regularfeatures

497: Buy Our Honey

Guess what patrons... we're pivoting to HONEY SALES now. That's right, Regular Features has produced a small batch of 100% organic honey with the help of a hive of professional bees in North London. 

Visit our shop at 2022-08-01 11:09:10 +0000 UTC View Post

496: Hot Mum Curse Mountain

You have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did. But since you're here, you might as well stay and listen. In this episode, Joe demystifies the British parliamentary process. Log helps out a mum in need. Steve got too hot in a heatwave.

495: The Catfisher Becomes The Catfished

Hello there, you nasty little Pom Bears! 

This episode was beset, nay, bedevilled with technical difficulties! Gav's software kept packing in, despite his assurances that he had a proper M1 Processor in his computer and *everything*. Log's internet went down at a time when he was particularly vulnerable, and though...

Log and Joe's Deleted Scenes Special

This might sound like a special in which we include deleted scenes from past episodes of Regular Features, but it ISN'T.

What it actually contains is Log and Joe joining forces for a never-before-seen twoboy episode in which they theme multiple micro-features along the theme of deleted scenes. We've got the Green Mile, ...

494: 10 PRINT "Hello Son" 20 GOTO 10

Dear patrons,

Some days you're the horse. Other days you're the horse's secret collection of amethysts he keeps under a big pile of hay in his stable. 

In this episode, Log tries to fill a printer-shaped hole in his soul with a laserjet. Matt springs a painterly pop-quiz on us. And Steve finds a way to reconc...

493: The National Trust Guide to Fruity Same-Sex Smooches

Chalk and cheese. You'd think they'd be disgusting together, but I'm eating some right now and it's absolutely delicious exchept forr hoaw it claggxx up mah mouuut. Aneewoy I shupposh iss tym to chell yoo abow thisz weekss epishold of Rehgyolnah Peeches.

Shteef hash sheen duh Dishnee Pixaaaaaah moofie Laghtyeeah and ish...

492: Laser Goblin

PATRON! Listen up.

Four score and Michael Barrymore.

Sorry, that's all I've got. Thanks for reading this bit. In this episode, Gav looms over us like a ghost, Steve's got laser eye surgery, and Log's a mean little goblin with a mission to pang the queen, That's right, PANG!

We love you.

491: Lord of the Ringo Bingo

A PATREON?! How did you get in here? 

This is a supposed to be a private crematorium. You shouldn't be riding your penny farthing around the crematorium honking on that antique horn of yours. Watch out for that pile of unburnt cadavers! Oh no, you've knocked them all over and their toe tags got all mixed up – now...

490: Emotional Wine Spice.wav

This week's episode of Regular Features is presented, as always, in high-quality .wav format. You make a .wav by walking up the holy mountain and holding your Zune to the sky. A single raindrop will fall into the 3.5mm headphone jack, and a .wav will be shat out. It's beautiful.

This week's .wav is filled with a spicy, ...

489: Orson Welles' Mucky Bins

Hello Beautiful Patrons! 

Here is another podcast for you that literally would not exist without your support. 

It's a nice one that's got it all: Gav's questionable behaviour, Log being a big ol' gossip Queen and everyone's favourite non-bird returning guest star. 

Please enjoy and thank you ...

488: Arcade Fires on a Rowboat

This is episode 488, which in bingo calling is "two fat ladies, married for forty years and still profoundly in love, standing at an easel where the first fat lady is painting a simple watercolour of their pet cat (name of Biscuits) as the second fat lady watches her from behind. The first fat lady turns to her wife and says,...

487: Dunst's Dizzee Flippin' Rant

Look at you, you tiny little patron! Oh my gosh, let me give your hair a ruffle, oh you're ever so cu- YOU JUST BIT ME. Why did you bite me? I just came along to tell you what's in this week's episode of Regular Features and now I shall have to get a shot for some kind of muddy disease. Serves me right for trying to be nice. ...

486: Golden Simpsons Ticket

Well patrons, there's nothing else for it, we'll simply have to do another episode of the Regular Features podcast IF IT SO SUITS THEIR HIGHNESS.

In this one, Log fails to groom a suitable heir to his publican throne, and Joe mourns the loss of the thing where the continuity guy talks about Hollyoaks over Danny Elfman m...

485: Tell Your Boss

Hiya patron! You've been very good today so here's a podcast we made just for you, as a reward. Also, hey, that thing you're feeling stressed about doesn't matter, you're doing great buddy. Keep it up!

In this episode, Steve is drafted in as the lord of the dance, Log unearths some horny personal ads from 1992, and Joe ...

484: Celebrity Heaven (with Spiders)

Hello! Or, as my mother says, "if you're coming in, come in. You're letting all the heat out".

Has anyone else noticed that the Regular Features boys initials are all clothes sizes? Steve => Small, Matt => Medium, Log => Large, Gav has to be fancy schmancy with a Parisian Grand, and Joe is the best and most exc...

Get Your Ticket to Regular Features Episode 500 LIVE

Hey there patrons,

This is your link to purchase tickets to the Episode 500 live show! 

The password you need is: JuicySusanWantsIn 

We're working on a way to be able to livestream the event to all patrons for free so those who'll miss it will still be able to watch at home.

...

483: Search for the Soreen Inside Yourself

Hello you wonderful patrons,

Here's another episode of our podcast that would not exist without your support. 

This one has some chat about heaven, heroes and malt loaf - it's pretty good, actually.

There's also some info about The Regular Features Episode 500 live show which you won't want to miss.&nbs...

482: Regular Features - Origins

Have you ever wanted to know how Regular Features' greatest stories came to be? Have you ever wondered how Grapesalicious gained her penchant for a piece of pink peppercorn? Or how Buck Pawchucker became mayor? What about how Gav surivived?

Well, we answer NONE of these questions in this otherwise origin story-packed or...

481: Banana Horoscopes Up the Wazoo

Hello Patrons!

Here is your weekly dose of Vitamin F(eature)! Take two of these and call me in the morning while you're making my fuckin eggs, whydontcha?

I don't know what any of that means but I do know that your continued support of this silly podcast is actually heartwrenchingly beautiful. You're all amazing a...

480: The Magic Convention Special feat. Topas

[This is a repost to fix Patreon's weird uploading error, sorry – you won't be charged more than once for this episode]

Gavin and Joe infiltrated a world of alakazams by putting on cloaks and big hats and saying that they knew what a spell was, and now they present to you, the Regular Feature...

479: And So To Bed

Ohhhh big stretch. Regular Features is all snoozy and cosy in bed! It is so warm and nice under the Regular Features duvet, we could just stay here forever. Do you want to climb in with us? There's a space here just for you! Don't worry about that thing you've got to do, just wiggle your way in between us and have a big yawn ...

478: Cowboy Cable Bunker Boys

WAHP WAHP PATRONS. This is an emergency broadcast from the Regular Feautures emergency storm bunker. Hello. How are you? Oh that's nice. We're fine thanks, but unfortunately... it is a major emergency!!

Storm Eunice has really churned our butter this week, if you'll pardon the phrase, forcing us to seek shelter in our s...

477: Twilight Bognor Telephone

Dear patrons, please accept this episode as a token of our friendship. If you collect ten tokens you unlock platinum level friendship which is the same as normal friendship except you are allowed to blow raspberries on our bellies while we giggle and cheep like baby birds. WHAT?!

In this episode, Joe considers the roman...

476: Dr Oetker's Goose Goes To Butlins

There's a legend around these parts, a legend about a kid who filled his belly button with bird seed and waited in the garden. "Any minute now", he thought, "a robin will land on my tummy and eat the seed out of my belly button!" And the little boy would chuckle and snort at the idea of a tiny red-breasted bird hopping along ...

475: Baby Was Dump

Hello there, you beatiful patreontic bastard! 

Here's the latest episode which you have ensured exists through your monetary contributions to the podcast. If it wasn't for your kind generosity we could've never have dreamt a sentence like "BABY WAS DUMP" could even exist. 

In a way, you're actually respo...

474: Winnie The Poop

Hello patrons, it's me, the grape stomping lady who fell out of a bucket of grapes in a viral video from 2007.

In this episode of Regular Features, Winnie the Pooh falls into Log's public domain, and a falling log wins Joe's public acclaim (which is to say he saw a poop in a TV show and wondered what if all TV shows got...