PATREON EXCLUSIVE: What To Do If You're Jealous Of Your Girlfriends Ex?
Added 2022-02-15 07:43:38 +0000 UTC
Comments
My insecurity that lead to breakup was that she had higher body count than I did and she had experienced threesomes 3 times with same guys (2 guys, 1 girl), when I got to know about it, my first emotion was anger and I felt cheated and betrayed that she didn't tell me about it when we were talking about our past experiences, felt like she knew how I would react and intentionally kept that a secret from me. My coping mechanism is that it is a dealbraker for me and I can't date and be in a LTR with a girl of such past or is it really an insecurity on what I must work on?
Andris Hardins
2022-02-20 11:50:55 +0000 UTCUnrelated to this video - I've been a member here for a few months soaking in the info, on youtube for years at this point. Big fan. Myron from F&F brought up on tonights show he'd love to collab in some way/have you on the show. Hit him up if you wanted to organise something, they'll treat you well!
Oliver Rose
2022-02-19 04:00:44 +0000 UTCThis ties into retroactive jealousy. Its a mans instinct to be jealous to ensure paternity. What about the alpha widow concept thats so popular in the red pill community. Its not the number of notches but the number of alphas that imprinted a woman, deeming her unhappy when she has to 'settle' for a lesser man. So a woman could have slept with 10 men who are average and if your her best 'alpha' she'll be satisfied. Or if a woman has only slept with 2 men but they were her best, and you don't compare to them she will be unhappy with you and find another alpha or go back to her ex.
Sheikhspear
2022-02-18 11:09:27 +0000 UTCYeah, you are making sense thanks. I guess I wasn’t talking so much about a hero fantasy just that men are typically the ones expected to take charge and handle the various difficulties of life that’s probably why unconciously a women will use a man’s confidence as an indicator of how good of a protector, provider and partner he will be because most of the time someone is confident for a good reason because they are competent in certain things. I think its more acceptable for a woman to get away with being less confident because there are a lot of benefits for her appearing vulnerable, there are many white knights that are willing to save a woman from her troubles and give her all she needs. Typically, men won’t be saved by anyone hence more male suicide and homelessness etc
T
2022-02-17 20:15:51 +0000 UTC@T - I tried to respond to this the other day and it didn't take for whatever reason. I wanted to say I appreciate your comments and your questions. First - I completely understand what you are saying. I feel like, generally speaking, my confidence level is where it needs to be with my spouse, but I'm not walking around totally confident all the time, and I definitely have insecurities. Everybody does. What I was hoping to convey with my comment, and what I'll try to elaborate on here is: 1 Understanding how women perceive and value male confidence is a big deal. 2 It's not about IF you have insecurities, it's about HOW you handle them. I think a lot of really nice, thoughtful, well intentioned guys completely miss how anxious women feel around men. How will he act if I reject him? How will he act if I disagree with him? What if he loses his job or has another setback, will he change? I know that this might sound crazy because most of us have had women very easily reject us, but the truth is most women gravitate to men who are consistent and steady no matter what they throw at them, and confidence is a big indicator of this. That's not to say that anyone should tolerate abuse, it's just that in general I think women like to feel emotionally safe with guys, that comes from consistency and confidence is the indicator they use to gauge that. This also means that a lot of women (not all) gravitate to jerks, who don't care what anyone thinks of them - but they are damn sure confident!. We all know this is true, it's part of why we are even on this page. We are trying to make sense of things. This topic used to make me totally crazy. I was a shy, over analytical guy and I would never act confident about something if I didn't believe it was 100% authentic or earned. What I do now is, if I don't feel confident about something, I don't sweat it, and I don't make a big deal of it to my wife. If it's something I want to get better at, or improve, I tell her that but honestly I reserve a lot of the truly vulnerable talk for my guy friends - which is why I made my earlier comment about guys being there for other guys. I've come to understand that for my wife, it can actually create anxiety and uncertainty if I'm just dumping out all my doubts and fears. Out of kindness to her, I don't put her through that. Finally - you don't ever want to put it on her if you are feeling insecure. She won't respond to that by "trying to do better". What she will feel is uncomfortable and unsure about you and your relationship, you will in turn feel that from her and the vicious cycle will begin. I hope this has helped. I'm totally empathetic to your question and I truly understand what you are asking. I am also open to more dialogue here, glad you commented.
John Whelan
2022-02-17 15:53:27 +0000 UTC@T for the second paragraph I get the whole thing about women want to be rescued by a hero and men want to be the hero and although I think in a relationship it is better for the man to have more power (in most cases this is better for attraction in women towards a man and the other way round). But these hero fantasies are a fallacy, I can't remember the name of the fallacy (maybe happy ending fallacy) where in the story everything is happy but you don't know what happens after. The hero rescues the damsel, they get married and live happily ever after... then what happens after the movie or story is finished? Real-life just continues till you die as morbid as that is. A woman turns a beast into a man, okay... then what happens? The story doesn't end there. I am sorry if this was hard to understand, I am not sure if I am making much sense to you
Alisha
2022-02-17 12:12:00 +0000 UTC@T I get what you mean, 50 shades of grey is popular for a reason. It seems these women who try to change a man who is borderline psychopathic are unhealthy and get validation from having the power to change/tame him. I think both men and women have different short-term and long-term strategies. These psychopath men are as you mentioned mostly for casual relationships. Men who want something short-term and casual will go for promiscuous women but if they want an LTR they want a pure woman. But the women you are talking about live in fantasy land.
Alisha
2022-02-17 12:01:26 +0000 UTC@T also I meant to add, lots of guys worry about techniques in dating and sex, the best thing to do even for guy without experience is to stop worrying as worrying literally does nothing helpful, worrying is not planning, worrying is just imagining possible bad scenarios, your body feels like those bad scenarios are real and makes your cortisol rise. I know it is easier said than done though. But if you are wanting to sexually escalate with a woman, try to get out of your mind, stop thinking about "oh should I use this technique, should I do this, am I doing it right? Is her ex better than me, is she even enjoying this, am I failure as a man?". You need to enjoy and be present in the interaction, be able to show your desire without shame, be open to exploration, and have passion, those things don't take experience but they do take self-work on your mental state which can be practiced alone. Your sexuality isn't dirty, you aren't a predator to women. Most women actually like a man who has an animalistic side to him xxx
Alisha
2022-02-17 11:55:34 +0000 UTCyou do not have to be confident about everything, it is okay to suck at some things. just admit it let people know( when it is appropriate obv) and that is also being confident and people wont expect you to know everything about sth cause u told them. that is how I would deal with the things that you are not that confident about sth.
Th
2022-02-17 09:06:08 +0000 UTCHi Alisha, thank you for your thoughtful replies, No, I'm not new here, I have been following Mr Grace for a few years, but I am just slow with many of the concepts, and I have no real relationship experience. So you could say, I am “new here” when it comes to the relationship area lol What I mean by “muster up confidence” is that I find it hard to fake my confidence and a lot of the time when I do fake it I am found because I go into a situation that is over my head. So, I’ve learnt to only trust my confidence when its related to something I am competent on but I wish I felt that huge confidence that drives women wild I just can’t seem to get it lol My lack of confidence is in relation to dating: flirting, taking the lead, sexual escalation etc
T
2022-02-17 05:52:30 +0000 UTCYeah, that makes sense. But apparently women are intensely attracted/aroused by a man who seems super confidenet with no insecurities and borderline psychopathic and would like to at least have a casual sexual relationship with him but some of these women fall for him and try to change him etc and it mostly never ends well. but I do understand a healthier, more mature woman prefers a balance if she is considering a serious relationship I don’t mind if a woman has insecurities, it wouldn’t affect my attraction towards her. But of course, depending on what the insecurities are I know it could have an impact if we were in a relationship. A woman with a few insecurities can even be endearing in a way. But of course, with men we feel differently about a woman’s confidence as we like to be the hero and make up for her insecurities women on the other hand tend to like a man who has his stuff together and be confident because she wants him to be the hero for her I guess lol but yes, in general I would prefer a woman to have a heathy level of confidence.
T
2022-02-17 05:32:55 +0000 UTC@T are you new here btw? If so, welcome! I would like to first of all say (it is up to you) to not associate confidence with masculinity. Confidence is a healthy thing for anyone regardless of gender to have. Secondly, what do you mean about mustering up confidence? For me I think that confidence means many things, what areas do you not feel confident in? As you were writing your comment certain scenarios and memories would have popped into your head, what were they? Was it public speaking? Asking a girl out? Flirting? Making friends? Big social gatherings? Interviews? What thing do you want to work on first? To work on something it is best to break things down into as many small parts as you can and start working away at them. Lastly, of course competence will make you feel more confident. There are some people who advocate for fake it till you make it but tbh I am not too keen on that but as everyone has their own unique fingerprint or signature, everyone will have their own style of confidence and many styles won’t resonate with you, it might take a bit of trying things out before you find something that resonates with you. My style is to be very truthful but playful whereas some may feel they like to appear distant and serious. Don’t think about what you want to look like though, think about what feels right to you.
Alisha
2022-02-17 00:40:48 +0000 UTCWell said John, liked the bit at the end about male friendships, wish more guys were like this, build each other up!
Alisha
2022-02-17 00:33:35 +0000 UTCI kind of get what you mean but then again I was very jealous at the start of my relationship and worked on myself and now I am all good, my jealousy wasn’t his fault. But then again at that time I would have been jealous no matter who I dated. If you aren’t usually jealous and a certain someone makes you feel that way then it could be a big red flag but it could also mean you are just scared to lose them
Alisha
2022-02-17 00:31:50 +0000 UTC@T it is a tough one, I feel there needs to be balance, I feel if I was with a guy with no insecurities and who was too confident would ring some alarm bells as he is either faking it or being a psychopath. It is a bit of a paradox but a healthy, confident person can admit in a mature way when they are not confident. Would you prefer a confident woman?
Alisha
2022-02-17 00:29:42 +0000 UTCThank you.
Matt Locascio
2022-02-16 14:19:27 +0000 UTCYou say in your comment "It's also true that for the vast majority of women, confidence is sexy as hell - to the extent that it borders on overwhelmingly irresistible” how do you think a man can get this kind of confidence? I just always feel like I can't muster up confidence to that extent. And even if I do soon or later I’m found out because I slip up I always get conflicted between my competence and confidence. If I am competent at something, then I will be confident if I’m not competent then I will naturally have insecurities that will come through.
T
2022-02-16 13:56:38 +0000 UTCAlexander nailed it, if you appear to be insecure and you don't demonstrate to her that you are going to work it out, the clock starts ticking. I remember one of the first times I saw one of these videos and Alexander said something like "she wants to relax into her femininity around you" or something like that. That really is true. It's also true that for the vast majority of women, confidence is sexy as hell - to the extent that it borders on overwhelmingly irresistible. Her ex may be everything you are not or could never be. If she is choosing to be with you, pat yourself on the back and focus on making sure the relationship is what YOU want. Finally, be that dude that can absorb your male friends insecurities. Build him back up and do not shame him. Steer him away from dumping all of that on a woman. It's not just smart, it's kind.
John Whelan
2022-02-15 19:04:24 +0000 UTCIt’s good to get a woman’s perspective on this and what you said makes sense theoretically, but I just wonder how well it would work in practicality. Sometimes I do feel like a woman would much prefer a super confident man who expresses no insecurities of any kind. Maybe super confident men with no insecurities do exist. The men I have met who seem to have no insecurities and be super confident are typically the kind of men who would be labelled a psychopath.
T
2022-02-15 15:14:17 +0000 UTCIf I’m jealous. I break up. Pure and simple as that. I don’t see jealousy as insecurity. I see lack of resolve to part with someone who makes you jealous a mark of insecurity. I don’t put it on her to solve anything concerning what I’m jealous about. If she takes it upon herself to adequately resolve it, then she is demonstrating high value. She’s a keeper.
Todd McDaniels
2022-02-15 15:07:22 +0000 UTCLoved this video Alexander, I feel this should be on YouTube for people to hear as the info is so valuable and applicable to many people xxx
Alisha
2022-02-15 13:38:56 +0000 UTCIt is totally fine to have insecurities as a man. This is advice is applicable to all genders btw. It is more about how you deal with them. You should aim to express and display them in a more “I have these insecurities” not a “these insecurities have me” kind of way. For instance, take a guy who has a low paid job and he wants to have a higher paid job so he applies for one and gets rejected. There is no harm to your relationship to talk to your partner about how the rejection made you feel. You could be angry or sad, you could rant about nepotism if the company hired someone who is related to the boss, or complain the questions at the interview were stupid. You could say you feel depressed and unfulfilled in your current job and are feeling desperate to leave because someone is making your workload harder and not paying you extra, you feel taken for granted. You could say, I want to have more money and more fulfilment so that we can have a better life… What you shouldn’t do or say is things (like Alexander said) where you put the problems onto her. “You’d rather be with a guy who is richer, you see me as a failure” because then it is just like fishing for compliments and it is awkward, you wouldn’t believe her is she said “No, I don’t feel like that, I want to be with you” If you are insecure and want to tell your partner insecurities then always use “I feel” statements instead of assumptions as that will make your partner defensive. Imagine it with the genders reversed… what would you prefer in a gf? “I saw you looking at that girls ass at the party, I bet you’d rather fuck her instead” OR “I feel the other day at the party you were looking at that girls ass, it made me feel a bit insecure as she is more attractive than me, would you rather be with her instead?” Also, if the above scenario (either of the two) happens she is just wanting reassurance that you are attracted to her the most. Don’t lie and say “No she isn’t attractive” as she will know you are lying, she has eyes. But you could say, “I admit she was a very attractive woman but I wouldn’t be with you if I wasn’t attracted to you, you have nothing to worry about, I love you and I am really happy we are together” or something like that
Alisha
2022-02-15 13:31:43 +0000 UTC"Men falsely make women responsible for their emotions" isn't that default thing women do for men? I love those double standards. :D
Ignas
2022-02-15 12:04:23 +0000 UTCHey interesting topic I was just wondering when you say women are not attracted to men who are insecure but are attracted to men who are confident. I’m not sure how this would work because I’m not sure I know any man who doesn’t at least have a few insecurities. Would it be more accurate to say women are not attracted to a man who expresses and displays insecurities? I am guessing that it is ok to be insecure as long as you don’t let her know you are insecure, and you are dealing with the insecurities in a healthy way like as explained in the video?
T
2022-02-15 09:37:06 +0000 UTCInteresting, this is actually parallel relevant to my community question about „penance„ / „redemption„ The very existence of the idea that there could / should be some redeeming act to themselves or you, can in a way be seen as jealousy of the „ex“. The basic concept seems to be fairly parallel. In addressing the topic and it also offers insights into my query. Definitely food for thought. Thanks for the snack
Peter
2022-02-15 08:04:17 +0000 UTC
