the moment comes
where it all feels like too much again.
where the loneliness is so big
it fills by stomach with acid
and my head with constant thoughts of worry and fear.
the moments come
when i don’t know if or how i can do this.
sit with it all.
it’s all so much.
a ...
2022-03-22 14:08:22 +0000 UTC View Post
i feel my pain.
the loneliness, oh fuck, the loneliness.
the heartbreak, dear god, the heartbreak.
the fear, please, i can’t handle the fear.
the anger, not more anger.
and beautifully it turns to,
the loneliness, oh yes, the loneliness.
the heartbreak, the sweet sweet, h...
2022-03-20 12:13:57 +0000 UTC View Post
i’m done playing the victim.
i am not a victim.
i have been hurt, yes.
i have been assaulted, yes.
but i have power.
i design my life.
i decide my worth.
i choose where i go,
and what i do;
what i wear,
and if i care what anyone thinks.
i won’t care what th...
2022-03-19 11:34:01 +0000 UTC View Post
how scared, terrified, i felt yesterday, march 16, at this time of night.
how excited, energized, i feel tonight, thinking about the exact same things.
2022-03-18 13:52:02 +0000 UTC View Post
one day i am here.
the next i am so, so far gone.
so, so far away.
one day i am calm.
the next i am a hurricane moving through the house.
but this time i am fully aware how much i’m raining. and who i am raining on.
that’s good right?
that’s progress?
i hope.
the who...
2022-03-18 02:16:38 +0000 UTC View Post
(this one was from a few weeks ago)
one big letting go.
letting go. letting go. letting go.
i don’t know how... i don’t know how to... what? anything. sleep. smile. cry. let it out. let it go. move through it. no, maybe i know how, but it all just feels like i am incapable. ...
2022-03-09 17:43:38 +0000 UTC View Post
It’s a new morning. And there are a million new pieces of this morning that I could get lost in. I try to keep coming back to my breath. Back to noticing the tension in my shoulders. Back to noticing when I am not breathing. Back to being aware of when a thought takes over and spirals out of control into anxiety or hope. Si...
2022-03-07 18:22:01 +0000 UTC View Post
i currently feel so at peace. so alive? i do feel alive. so aware. this is the path, or at least my path. or at least my path now.
i knew it when i went to vipassana. learning how to not hope, to not desire, to not push away the present moment.
abandon hope.
abandon hope.
abandon hope.
hope is so...
2022-03-06 15:32:46 +0000 UTC View Post
i'm gonna start sharing some of my B rated rolls.
2022-03-04 02:03:17 +0000 UTC View Post
fear seeps in.
takes over.
I push push push it away.
it gets worse.
fear seeps in as I wash dishes.
as I take a bath.
as I go to sleep and as I wake up.
my life in shambles.
no idea what I want or where I’ll go.
how I’ll live.
who I’ll talk to,
dance with,
fuck.
fear seeps in again...
When I wake I feel myself breathing. I wake and walk upwards. Up the sheet covered ice mountain that is just outside my door. Grabbing branch and rock to steady myself with my hands as my feet slip and slide and my knees hit the ground beneath me. Each bang reminds me of a pain in my heart. I remember the meditation this morn...
2022-02-28 02:46:33 +0000 UTC View Post
this isn’t it.
the drinking.
it’s just not.
i know this.
and then i go for another bottle.
i said 27 would be my year of sobriety
and then i drank.
but can i try again?
of course i can. i can always try again.
but can i?
i can’t with gideon.
but i can for...
2022-02-26 12:27:58 +0000 UTC View Post
today it feels like freedom.
today it feels lighter
and gentler.
today my grief is giving me
a strange peace.
today my grief
feels like a balloon
that was emptied so quickly
but is now filling
and floating
into the cherry pink sky.
today i feel freer
and ...
2022-02-21 15:36:40 +0000 UTC View Post
i want me.
i love me.
i thought sleeping alone would be the hardest part of separating.
but instead it has been a way back to myself.
finger tip against finger tip.
breathing into the four pillows pressed against my body.
a night with no self pleasuring
but self pleasuring in the mill...
2022-02-20 11:57:40 +0000 UTC View Post
(stream of consciousness writing this morning.
thoughts turned poem. poem turned thoughts.)
Is it all connected?
it feels like it’s all connected.
every
little
thing.
i...
2022-02-20 02:29:29 +0000 UTC View Post
hannah and andrew take me in for the longest.
one night we get high and i sit in between them.
thighs snd palms and arms touching and linked.
i think they really love me,
i wish it was something i knew instead of something i thought.
a panic attack comes on?
but by now i’ve learned to fee...
2022-02-18 13:01:16 +0000 UTC View Post
always aching.
aching for the life i had;
yes.
but more than that,
aching for the life i thought COULD be
with gideon
aching for the years and minutes and breaths put into something that was never returned.
aching for reciprocity.
aching to be held.
aching for all the year...
2022-02-17 18:57:17 +0000 UTC View Post
what the fuck is language for? its not for being perfect. its for communicating. for connection, for being WITH another human in a more truthful way. but when the focus is on correct grammar and correct wording and correct punctuation - that connection is already gone. when the focus is on being right when there is only one w...
2022-02-16 13:10:06 +0000 UTC View Post
my mind is throbbing.
home.
in the house,
alone.
spinning
spinning
spinning
spinning in the car
spinning on the dance floor
spinning in the house
around and around and around
looking for that camera,
trying to fix my website,
what to pack?
whe...
2022-02-15 19:21:09 +0000 UTC View Post
Nalcoah asleep in a strange room.
i walk out to the living room with everyone else.
i drink.
i drink more.
and more.
7 glasses total throughout the night.
Emmy and Dawson come in.
Emmy puts Auren to sleep in the bed with Nalcoah.
Emmy reading my poem, my mouth dries up.
he...
2022-02-14 16:39:17 +0000 UTC View Post
a friend of mine had a "pretend artists club" and I was able to attend the first meeting where we shared pieces of our art that we have been working on or something brand new. I find when I am prompted to create for a specific reason, I thrive.
One morning while in Ohio with Nalcoah, as I am figuring out the ...
2022-02-13 16:21:53 +0000 UTC View Post
another weekend
another couple days where i am floundering trying to figure out what to do and where to go.
who to stay with
who really wants me? or is okay with me being in their home?
another weekend another couple days trying to figure out if ill be okay a...
2022-02-11 15:28:54 +0000 UTC View Post
i want to make a post and just say thank you to everyone who has been sticking around through these months of me basically not existing on this platform. the support is noticed, constantly. especially now.
i’m not sure what i want to say or share about how the last few months have been for me. but i’ve be...
2022-02-03 01:03:18 +0000 UTC View Post
re-uploading some of these photos because patreon doesn’t like seeing buttholes. so censored like i would for instagram.
i am so unorganized i couldn’t even find all of these photos. 🥴 someone help! send tips! haha like those have ever worked for my brain.
2021-12-23 01:39:30 +0000 UTC View Post
i stayed at my moms for a week in september. i needed some space and time in a different scene. this was my first time staying there for a week in years and i wasn't prepared for the amount of flashbacks and old habits and mindsets to come back up like they did. nalcoah was with me, which made it ever the more lovely and ever...
2021-12-02 18:04:20 +0000 UTC View Post
