endlessjess

Death Stranding: Crime and Punishment

Okay baby i'm all drugged up and ready to sink into beautiful darkness. Before i do please enjoy this miserable continuation of the worst thing that ever happened, aka the time i played Death Stranding a lot. 

This whole episode is just me getting pissed off, and not in a fun silly way. Just torturously annoyed and...

Yuko's Awesome Express

hA ha holy shit this game rules, fam. It's called Yuko's Island Express and it's basically like Sonic Spinball, only good. I personally adore Sonic Spinball despite it being a nightmare in every way because i'm demented but this game is even better. Did i say it's like Sonic Spinball because it's also like Super Metroid which...

Icy Spear

AAAAaHH god it's too hot. im burnign. im burning up in hell so i guess i post me hades. 

in this episoe i take on ths blistering blazing balls depths of Hades with the COOOLESt weapon you'll find. The Icy Spear, distant relative of the Icy Sword. I wish i could find a icy spear  in real life .god. hot.  2022-09-30 23:38:27 +0000 UTC View Post

Microwave Pork Rinds

We're a little out of order here i think. Sometime between the last Evil Within 2 and this Evil Within 2 i played The Evil Within too, hence the confusion you may experience upon hearing my palpable relief that the boss lady is an actual boss that you shoot, instead of the god awful run-around-and-solve-a-puzzle-while-getting...

Travis Vs. The Scariest Chick I've Ever Seen

Gross. Disgusting. Superfreak. Manic Babbling Monster Bitch. These are but a few of the ways one might describe this boss. Just when i thought Visage couldn't get any more worthless, No More Heroes 3 decides to turn itself into a way scarier and less crappy Visage, just to show off that it can. 

This freaky ass ho ...

mknstrert[]]]]]]]]='

My cat titled this post by trundling over my keyboard. I'm going to allow it. It's probably closer to the corrct spelling of mmONstor RNinchYr than i would have managed. 

Let's all say a fond farewell to Rowsby Woof. The most loyal, stupid, vicious, dumbass dirty dog that ever dumped itself out of a bitch's butthol...

Firewatchin part 2

Last month i'm sure you all were positively riveted by watching me answer depressing choose your own adventure questions about early onset alzheimers and dead dogs, well now i'm past that so the game can finally start. Gosh, don't you just love that this is what games are now? 

By "now" i of course mean 2013 when t...

Figment? More like Higgs-ment.

Another night alone in my Gamer Tomb, another weird game no one's ever heard of. This one is called Figment and for all I know it might be a figment of The Blue Glow itself. Only my own irradiated brain would be demented enough to cook up a character like The Gangly Coofer. That's a real character, in this actual gam...

SKIODO!

The Evil Resident himself, sometimes known as The Silly Man, returns for more cool stupidity. Where did i go? Off The Rails. Where am I going? A padded Cell. Where does it end? The same place it began. It goes on on and on, Heaven and Hell. 

This time i'm blowing the lid off a closely guarded personal mantra and ma...

A little bit of The Good Life

As a personal hero of mine, the guy who says "time to relax" on that Offspring album once famously said, it's time to relax. Kick off your shoes, take it easy, and enjoy The Good Life. Not your actual life, we all know that isn't good or else you wouldn't be here, you'd be off enjoying some juicy and delicious steak in a bett...

My PLUME.

Alright what the hell, here's one more cool video before i allow myself my one night a month of decompression, and then revert back to the mentally insane grindset that is slowly killing me. There's a whole new month ahead of pacing my padded cell and smearing da vinci code stuff on the walls in blood.

This is too much ...

An UnaVOIDable Tragedy

It was the perfect crime... perfectly bad. The consequences... also bad. It wasn't supposed to be this way but sometimes life throws surprises. Sometimes you have to kill a couple men. Sometimes those men turn into ticking time bombs that you have to dispose of.

Sometimes they float a few miles down the river. Soemtimes...

Ancient Dark Souls - Mustard and Malice

He's gonna take you back to the past, to play dark souls and fall on his ass. Can you believe those rat-bastard goblins out there in the people-city put mustard on my chili dog? Mustard. On a chili dog. Despicable. If Sonic were here he'd blast process through you like a blazing bullet of vengeance with the fire bubble power-...

Fire-Watching and Sad Backstory Simulator

Believe it or not i don't hate all walking simulators, just the crappily written, pretentious ones, which happens to be most of them. I know for a fact i've played good ones but it's always the annoying crappy ones that get all the praise. Does Firewatch fit into that craptastic category for me? Umm... yeah kinda, i mean pret...

AAAYYYY-DRian!

Here it is, world. Here's my vote for most annoying video game boss in the last 500 years. This big fat gelatinous bullet sponge that soaks up damage forever, one shots, and repeatedly yells out the same ONE nonsensical voice line with every. single. attack. 

AAAAAYYYY-dRian! AYYYYYY-dRian! AAYYYYYY-dRian!  2022-08-31 16:08:48 +0000 UTC View Post

My Sounds Have Taken Over My Body

Greetings, traveller. I am The Man of Many Sounds and this is my loyal mutt, Rowsboy Woof, the smelliest, mangiest, dirtiest, dumbest, dogginist damn dog that ever dogged around in the dirt. My power is greater than you could ever imagine, and every day my disappointment in this crap-tastic canine grows, further fueling the r...

Helliest Shit I've Ever Seen

I'm serious, this one is fucking demented, insane, straight up psychotic. I love it because i am also those things, but i can not in good conscience recommend it to any but the most hardcore of buff movie buffs, zinema connoisseurs and sleaze-ianados. Stuff like this is an acquired taste, you gotta know what a crum...

Spelunking some SNES obscurities.

The Super Nintendo has one of the best libraries in the history of gaming. A decent number of those masterpieces is on switch, but so are a bunch of weird bullshit games that nobody ever heard of. So of course those were the ones i decided to play because my brain is diseased. 

This adventure in gaming features suc...

Nasty Boy Reviews Janet

Damn it, Janet, it's Groovy Tunes time again. The world's most random and insipid music review show, by the man with the world's most eclectic palette. This time it's Janet Jacksons classic 80s bangable banger bonanza, Control.  

That's right. It's a review. A regular music review about the regular funky music and ...

The Con-flabbed Conjuring 3, yippee.

The scary spooky bullshit quest to catalogue these crappy James Wan movies for no reason lurches along like a deteriorating husk. 149 movies down, 11,027 to go. The worst thing about subjecting myself to this trash is that at this point i've accidentally become semi-invested in this dumb universe. Not in the sense that i care...

Cursed, too funny summerslam review

As usual i'm incapable of just talking about wrestling like a normal person and have produced yet another mentally insane babbling tirade that would make all 3 animaniacs combined seem dry and professional. Depending on how wrong you are i may have gone too far in a few dozen places throughout this one. Its the endless curse ...

The Legendary Live Action Panel-Cast

I know what you people want, what you need. You wanna see my stupid cool face and manly body. For some reason that feels like the real shit, the good stuff, premium grade fun-fuel. Let's plays and podcasts might cut it or a while but sooner or later you fine people get the urge to bask in my inhumanly charismatic camera prese...

Visage 6, a pile of dix

Visage. 

Fucking Visage. 

Of course it had to be fucking... dogshit visage. 

In this episode Floozy finally fucking loses it over a glitched out room that won't do what it's goddamn supposed to. I, on the other hand have dissociated into a sort of zen state to mentally overcome this evil game ...

Hundred years ago dark souls part 2

Continuing on with our documentary series about primordial life, in this recently discovered archival footage we are shown how primitive man would present his female companion with a "video game", an ancient ritual of some significance.

Something something god i'm sick of typing. Fuckin hell. When can i rest? Will there...

The other sekiro

Here's where my Sekiro journey ended. Pitifully, as does a sad squeaker of a fart that you thought was gonna be huge and blow everyone away. As you can see it was this battle with the big fat man that made me realize i don't care for this game enough to git gud, so i didn't. 

Will i ever return to it? Well that sou...

Cat's Eye - a Scary Spooky Classic

I randomly remembered this movie the other day and had to watch it to make sure it's as good as i remembered it being, and hell yeah it is. I fucking love this flick. 

This is an often overlooked classic from Stephen King's cocaine and booze era about a very, very good kitty who travels through a whole ass antholog...

The Side Mission From Hell

This will be a series of pain, a torture-train on a terror track toward triple-hell. I'm calling it the side mission from hell but in truth the actual mission is only the beginning. If you were cursed enough to witness this unfortunate series of a blunders when it streamed a couple years ago, you may vaguely remember the tria...

Ancient Sekiro stream

Oh look, another lost and forgotten blue glow dragged out into the modern day like a primitive cave hag chained to a doghouse outside the museum of natural his-tory, or something. 

This was recorded sometime in 2019, edited into the blue glow format and uploaded sometime in 2020, and then forgotten about. I must ha...

Remember The Last Guardian?

He's the last one, you know. Or so they say. I wouldn't really know because i will never beat this game. 

I posted part 1 of this series maybe 17 years ago or something and just remembered there's more of it. I must have repressed all memory of this fetid piece to protect myself. 

Now that i'm watching t...

Groovy Tunes: Hurley

eeeeeeeeee hee heee

Me doesnt just play video games somtimes i play muzik in my car, and then i go home and talk to myself about it, and you can listen. 

Goddamnit that's enough. Enough is enough and it's time for a change. I'm gonna rip some fucking shit i swear. No more goddamn bullshit. Fucking Hell. Here'...