[Esc] reality

Soft Singing and Close Up Whispering // Alternative Music

This, uhh... Is not your typical lullaby? But for those who missed my singing, I am performing - ever so softly and breathy - in order: Anesthesia (Type O Negative), Green Man (Type O Negative), Burn (The Cure), Tattooed In Reverse (Marilyn Manson), Deep Six (Marilyn Manson), Black no.1 (Type O Negative) and Wolf Moon (Type O Ne...

complex ptsd blog

Dying in a hole. 

This is a glimpse into an aspect of my life that no one sees. The thing I could never get through to anyone. 

The room is dim. I've spent the past 17 hours in darkness, sleeping on and off. I woke up once at 2PM, then again at 4. But I didn't feel ready to get out of bed. For the past week...

⛥August Extras⛥

This month, you wanted to hear what I think about all your signs. Please don't hold it against me if I don't have a lot of nice things to say about your sign (Virgo). I don't discriminate against anyone based on their sign and I'm always open to letting a second impression make a dent in an unfortunate preconceived notion. Pleas...

⛥August Download⛥

Just your friendly bonus content spam for my lovely patrons =D Here's your highest voted video from July as a HQ mp3 download! It only took me searching through 10 different converters to find one that doesn't bitch about ad block lol. Have fun with this!

☯️ Hot Stone Massage Experience ☯️

It is my pleasure to give you this soothing, balancing, tingly treatment of unparalleled relaxation. If I sound confident that you will enjoy this one, it's because I am. I'm quality checking it right now and finding it very calming. The slow, soft music goes great with the tempo of my speaking and makes the experience immersive...

Skirts and Baileys

So I ordered a bunch of skirts to try on. Spoiler alert, none of them fit. But I got some amazing fabric sounds, crinkling and more out of it. It honestly took more time to clear the floor space to be able to record in my livingroom than to make the video. 

So I haven't been entirely myself lately... There may be some unu...

Casual Mixology

Before there was a livestream, there was a prototype of a mixology video. I ended up hating the fuck out of it because of the setting, lacking ingredients and noise. This one is still noisy, of course I edited to make it not overwhelming - and hated every second of it lol. But I found it pretty relaxing/entertaining regardless. ...

⛥July Q&A⛥

I should have specified that "life's great questions" was a joke lol. Regardless, let's roll out your deep and meaningful questions this beautifully muted Sunday afternoon with my fresh iced coffee while I'm also bleeding dry from my uterus. Fun!

Do you have any siblings? No. They were expecting siblings (wtf ...

starting again

As I've hinted on a little bit, I've spent the past week in recovery from a mental breakdown. Nothing acutely outwardly awful happened, I'm just weak and can't handle stress - at all. Not doing much of anything ended up being surprisingly good for me, though I've done some off camera work and sent out the first 6 r...

⛥July Live Chat⛥

The drinks we made:

Cookie Cloud

1/4 cup Baileys
1 tsp chocolate chip cookie syrup
1 tbsp brown rum
1/2 tbsp cacao&hazelnut liqueur
1/4 cup milk

Shake with ice & serve

Virgin Blood

1/2 cup fresh raspberries
1 lime
6 heaped tsp cane sugar
1/4 cup gin...

⛥July Extras⛥

You wanted to see me going about my day being a real person and I tried my best to capture a more or less average day. That being said, I feel fucking raw opening up like that. Haven't made the best experiences with that so please ...

⛥July Download⛥

You've got me figured out, haven't you? You know that if you can get multiple videos in a tie, you get multiple downloads. I have underestimated how fast you sneaky kitties learn! There you go, your highest voted videos as an mp3 download:

Patching You Up ❤️

For anyone who has ever taken a blade to their own body. 

I've been clean for at least 7 months. I've fought the urge to self-harm countless times since the last time, which I don't remember exactly when it was - but Jack says it was last year. Some may say that's a big deal and I should be proud of mysel...

tender moments

"How's your next thing coming?" - Always such appropriate suggestions, Patreon. This photo is from an attempted outdoor shoot that I had to toss cause people. I was smart enough to shoot the thumbnails first this time so at least I have a pretty picture to share with you, albeit grainy cause low light. 

I just finished ed...

Caring Friend Explains [ASMR]

I have a dream... No, that's literally how this beast of a video came about, guys, I dreamt about doing this and thought it was so funny and original, couldn't contain my amusement, that I just had to do it. Hang out with me for what 98 minutes while I tell you about what I do, how I got into ASMR and try my bes...

cat food 2018

Today I made some progress with the rewards. I had errands in the morning and afterwards had my carer take me to a pet supply store to keep my end of the deal. Thanks to your awesomeness and generosity, I was able to donate 12kg adult cat kibble, 8kg kitten kibble, 9.6kg kitten wet food, 12kg adult cat wet food and 9 packets ...

⛧EMP⛧ Try-On Haul

Edit: I made some little changes to the video. I tried to up the brightness just during some parts where I'm showing off the clothing in [this version]. Let me know if this is better. The quality is still shit and I think it's ugly but I wonder...

life and medical appointments

"Tell your patrons what you're working on." - How did you know that's what I was going to start with?!

June, the month of painful medical procedures, I'm so glad you are gone. I'm more than ready to just not be in pain anymore. That being said, I'm feeling much, much better. I got my bandages out on M...

Formal Thank You Post

It's been a long month and even though for someone slow like me, a month can never be long enough... I am not unhappy with how things have turned out. I managed to meet my minimum quota while still getting very unpleasant real life things over with and I made some videos that you said really helped you - for that I am happy.&nbs...

on self-love and recovery

Green theme.

Lately I'm just really feeling the color. It's in the background of the new video I have rendering for you right now. It's on my face in the stalled Libra sex signs reading that I'm still thinking about. It's the color of the syringe they gave me to rinse the holes in my damn mouth... The last one being a vastly d...