thehardtimes

Art Giveaway Winner REVEALED

Hello patrons. It's time to reveal who won the coveted mutilated corpse drawing from last week! Bill's dog Murphy did an excellent job picking the winner. We will be contacting the lucky patron within the next 24 hours to get their address so we can get this one of a kind masterpiece shipped to you. Thanks everyone, we apprec...

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ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local man Ronny Stout’s blacked-out knuckle tattoos are forcing neighbors to assume the worst about what it used to say, suspicious sources confirmed.

“At first, I thought maybe it was just something dumb. I saw a guy on Reddit who had ‘BURRITOS’ once. But blackout seems so extreme...

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Hold onto your hats partners, because the most sensational extravaganza of the year just blew into town. We may have just witnessed one of the most fantastic displays of talent in our modern times, effortlessly executed by a woman barely taller than a barstool.

That’s right folks, gather ‘round because we’re looki...

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SALT LAKE CITY— Local band The Collective’s ambitious attempt at creating a groundbreaking concept album about a humanoid race of people bringing joy and love to Earth accidentally resulted in the perfect soundtrack for the newest Kia Sorento, commercial reps confirmed.

“This album is an amalgamation of all of our...

Ian Miles Cheong First Recipient of Neuralink Thanks to Inherently Low Risk of Damaging Intellect

FREMONT- Ian Miles Cheong was revealed to be the first recipient of  Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device implant thanks to the inherently low  risk that drilling into his brain would damage anything functional  anyways, company officials and doctors said today via a press release.

Nadia Samson, a spokesp...

Jordan Peterson Crying Two Minutes Into Debate With Elmo

Public intellectual Jordan Peterson reportedly broke down into a loud  sobbing fit just two minutes into a debate on the future of Western  Civilization with muppet character Elmo.

The debate, promoted as  the culmination of a long-standing feud between the prominent professor  and muppet, was not re...

HBO Max Unveils Ominous New “Don’t Get Too Attached” Category

NEW YORK — Popular digital streamer Max, formerly HBO Max,  recently unveiled a foreboding new “Don’t Get Too Attached” category to  its platform, according to nervous sources scrambling to find out what  that means.

“We’re excited to offer this new feature to all our  lo...

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DALLAS — A recent scientific study has found that transgender  women who compete in women’s esports leagues have an unfair biological  advantage in receiving online harassment.

“We found no meaningful  evidence supporting the idea that transgender women have biological  advanta...

Friends Stage Intervention Following Gamer’s Most Recent Horny Statue Purchase

CHICAGO - Friends of Chicago gamer Brandon Proski, avid collector of horny video game and anime statues, have staged an intervention following his latest purchase of a statue depicting Street Fighter’s Chun Li mid-squat.

“I was on my way back from meeting my dealer, mentally rearranging my display shelf to make room...

The Top 10 Cannabis Strains to Give You a Panic Attack While Watching “The Bear”

The cannabis industry has seen massive expansion over the last few years, and with recreational use now legal in 24 States (with more expected next election) more people have access to more strains than ever before! Unfortunately, increased variety brings confusion to some users.

Different strains of cannabis can have r...

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WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that they reintroduced the American jock to the ecosystem in order to counteract what they call a “worryingly large” population of nerds.

“A dearth of wild meatheads has led to an explosion in the nerd population over the past decade,” explained d...

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It’s been eight months since the company I worked for replaced everyone in our call center with artificial intelligence software and walked us out the door. I’m still pissed, but I get it. Telemarketing isn’t brain surgery, and it was only a matter of time before computers figured out how to sling testosterone boosters ...

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NEW YORK — Local man Doug Clearing has been accused of shouting his relationship problems into friend Lewis Samson’s ear during the band Mudd Butt’s best song of their set, annoyed sources confirmed.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t bring Jessica up, but I just couldn’t help it,” Clearing admitted. “Mud But...

The joys of aging

HARTFORD, Conn. — Elder millennial Thomas Sharpe is reportedly in “critical and deteriorating condition” after erroneously believing that his haggard husk of a body could handle a second of shot of Goldschlager, sources who wish they could just die already confirmed.

“Well, it looks like this is the e...

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Hey man, you ok? You’ve been looking a little down lately. From 93 til infinity, we’ve always been honest with each other. Are things going well in your relationship?

If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. That can be really tough— you’ll feel a lot better if you get those feelings out and ta...

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BROCKTON, Mass. — Local beatdown hardcore band Blood Reaper drastically changed their appearance and sound just two months after members of the band began using Ozempic, multiple sources confirmed.

“We used to walk into a venue and people would scramble to get out of our way because they were afraid we would beat th...

Eight Songs We're Listening to This Week To Celebrate the End of Dry January

We’ve all survived another January ripe with unfulfilled resolutions and horrifyingly sober weekends during semi-successful attempts at making the month ‘dry.’ Now it’s February. Winter is halfway over and you can drink to your heart’s content while enjoying gradually increasing sunlight and undoing all the progress...

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The English language is full of words and phrases that many people think sound disgusting. At this point it's actually become sort of cliche. “Ewww don't say ‘moist,’ it just sounds gross, I hate that word!” Or “Ughh, come on, ‘would I like to round up my change for charity?’ Barf!”

But...

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SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local NFT enthusiast Harris Woods was dumbstruck at a Chili’s on Saturday night when after years of being shot down, his pickup line actually worked, confirmed multiple bystanders.

“I went with the old standby of ‘everyone says dating is a numbers game, so can I have yours? and I was just about...

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So, you turned 25, and you finally stole enough money from parking meters to get a business license. The next step? Growing that business to the level of class traitor. If you want to find out what’s next you’ve come to the right place. That is, the right place to finally hear what a piece of shit you are. Let’s get one...

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WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Loyal Weakerthans fan Tim Ezra was shocked to find that the city that inspired many melancholy, somber ballads is so dreary, cold, and gray, several seasonally-affected sources confirmed.

“I really expected the hometown of my favorite overly-literate Canadian indie-punk band to be a vibrant, sou...

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With so many people openly talking about their struggles with mental health, it can be hard to stand out from the pack. You’re spiraling but you feel like you’re just not as creative as others. After all, somebody from work got “I Go To Therapy” tattooed on their arm, and your sister’s husband announced he’s on SS...

Well, it's Groundhog Day... again...

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Punxsutawney Phil, he world’s most famous groundhog, admitted he did not see his shadow which is expected to usher in early spring, and also went on a long-winded rant about the Chiefs, Taylor Swift, and the NFL, confirmed multiple sources in attendance.

“Well folks it looks like I have good ne...

boygenius Hiatus

LOS ANGELES — Lucy Dacus, Phoebe Bridgers, and Julien Baker announced boygenius will be taking a hiatus after they realized that they can no longer sustain their streak of iconic photoshoots, band reps reported.

“We knew ‘the album’ and the tour was a watershed moment in indie music, while we were pre...

Every Gang From “The Warriors” Ranked by Our Conservative Uncle’s Fear of the City

Our Uncle Hewlit was never the brightest bulb in the box. He’s the sort of guy who is highly susceptible to conspiracy theories like QAnon, thinks Barack Obama is a Satanist, and believes New York City, a place he has never been to and will proudly never go to, is the most dangerous place on Earth. Every Thanksgiving he was...

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LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local man Gregory Cross had a distinct mullet that either made him seem like the most racist person at the bar or a pansexual communist, confirmed sources sitting at the edge of their seat awaiting confirmation either way.

“It’s a coin toss,” said Caleb Garcia, a confused bar patron...

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Yo dawg, what’s the 411 with the shorties these days? I was just rolling with the homies and spittin’ mad ‘90s slang and these Gen-Z jabronies wanna give me the gas face? As if!

So peep this. There I was just mindin’ my own with my posse while giving them the download on this fly honey (who is all tha...

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SESAME STREET — The owner of used record store Mono Mono (Doot-Doo DooDooDoo) rejected a large clutch of records from longtime Street resident Cookie Monster due to the dubious bite shapes in them, sources confirmed amidst errant crumbs flying every which-way.

“This isn’t the first time that googly-eyed...

Original art giveaway

Hello patrons. Thank you for your continued support as the slow march of time grinds us all down. Our co-founder/Editor-in-Chief drew the picture above to use as part of the art in this article: 2024-02-01 21:04:38 +0000 UTC View Post

The latest from Adidas

PORTLAND, Ore. —Sneakerheads around the country are celebrating after Adidas announced that they’ll be liquidating their stocks of remaining Yeezy shoes to make room for the new Mountain Goats signature sneakers.

“I’m 95% sure these the Mountain Goats aren’t going to say anything anti-Semitic and ha...