I think probably the most surprising discovery of the year was not that ESAM is bald, that much should have been obvious to the studied observer. No, the most surprising discovery of the year is that we are, in fact, all bald, whether we know it or not.
We are all living under a toupée in one way or another -- so...
2021-09-28 17:14:10 +0000 UTC View PostTwo options appeared before me
And sorry I could not take both,
I held to the ledge, as long as I could
And took the option less taken
Death
An option chosen for me
But an option all the same
To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream
And in these dreams, I find myself
A new world, a ...
The Haunted Controller
"This is a very special device," the devil shopkeep says ominously. "It's a controller guaranteed to make you win any set." "What's the catch?" I ask. "In exchange, you will die alone, unloved and unlamented." "Oh," I reply disappointedly. "I think I already have one of those." 2021-08-17 18:27:17 +0000 UTC View Post
Friendly Reminder: Kindness is free. But if enough people withhold kindness, and we collude to keep the supply down, people will start to panic. Soon the despair and desperation will set in, and that's when they'll finally realize that they needed nice guys like us after all. And they’ll wish they were nicer to us when they...
2021-07-12 17:06:27 +0000 UTC View PostI'm not stepping foot in a tournament until the VIP lounge is equipped with the following:
They say every Smash player dies twice. Once when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when they insist the meta has changed and that you couldn’t compete in the modern era.
They say every Smash player dies twice. Once when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when Hungrybox p...
2021-05-25 16:49:22 +0000 UTC View PostTop advice for budding streamers.
1. Be kind and wholesome; positivity is inherently contagious.
2. Be yourself, but be measured: people want authenticity, but too much feels like therapy.
3. Model the behavior you want to see in your followers.
4. Have an extremely cool penis.
5. Be famous, sexually...
1. Turn gaming into a career and you'll never need a vacation.
2. Discover that it's hard to enjoy a hobby when your life depends on it.
3. Realize that you've lost your only escape from work and don't have the time to find new ones.
4. Take a vacation, you'll need it.
5. Try to clear y...
I am proud to announce that I am authoring a biographical trilogy that is already being called a "tour de force" by my parents. The first book is titled "Fuck Off,” and consists of me needlessly sabotaging my personal relationships for financial gain. Its sequel, "Fuck You,” builds upon this theme, extending the insults e...
2021-03-25 19:41:06 +0000 UTC View Post[Intro]
god damnit, i just don't care what other people think
you know it. i know it.
i'm a gamer.
if you know the tune, sing it with me boys
[Extremely Dank Beat]
i'm a gamer guy with Macintosh bones.
i game all day on my gamer phone.
i buried their family in a...
i casually stroll into the boy scouts national Smash jamboree and fill the tournament venue with a thick, black fog of mustard gas. scouts begin to emerge; eyes red, screaming. "not so brave after all, are you boys?", i mutter to myself as i proudly don my mustard gas badge.
i clap and clap, completely engrossed. i wish...
2021-02-18 20:36:38 +0000 UTC View PostThe year is 20XX. Everybody plays Ness. Life is suffering and the living envy the dead. In the perpetual gloom of this stillborn planet, I search for a home I know I will not find. A scream pierces the endless cacophony of death and decay, a cry that haunts my dreams: "PK Fire."
The cold wind blows over a desolate lands...
2021-02-02 17:42:34 +0000 UTC View PostThis is part 3-4 in a monthly Q&A with Patrons. Any Patron at the $9.00 tier or higher can ask DeepLeffen a question of their choosing. I've consolidated all the questions submitted to me in December and January by Patreon subscribers into a single post, since there wasn't enough in January to justify a standalone. He...
2021-02-01 21:05:43 +0000 UTC View Posti have it on good authority that the next fighter's pass will include the following characters: 1. Queen Kong. 2. Dinkey King. 3. Type II Diabetes. 3. PK Pete. 3. Junkman & The Little Dipper 3. Sticky "Ricky" Steamboat and the Lunchpail Gang. 2. Cactus Jack. 3. and 4. Mario 4. A character named "Lance Diamond". 4. B...
2021-01-20 18:43:29 +0000 UTC View PostTo the upvoters of this post, thank you for believing in me. You will be rewarded handsomely. To the downvoters of this post, I appreciate you understanding that criticism is essential to a well-functioning democracy. I value your eager participation more than the upvoters who, quite frankly, I am terrified of. I wake up ever...
2021-01-08 18:25:24 +0000 UTC View PostIt started to become clear to me by the seventh hour that the attractive gentleman before me was not a man at all, but some kind of “basketball hoop man” with a slender, metallic body and a hoop for a face. By the eighth hour, I came to realize that "basketball hoop man" was, in fact, more man than me and half the woman I...
2020-12-30 20:58:20 +0000 UTC View PostThere are so many beautiful play styles to choose from. M2K, the machine, cold, clinical, calculating. Mang0, The Serial Killer, unpredictable, in your head, feeding on your emotions. Armada, the Jazz Pianist, improvisational, technically precise. So many beautiful ways to play this game, and yet you still chose to play like ...
2020-12-21 18:16:02 +0000 UTC View PostPrompt: Everybody says that Smash is a game of rock paper scissors. This couldn't be further from the truth. Smash is more like a game of...
Dear Nintendo,
I'm so sick of Nintendo and their relentless money-grubbing. After the next few DLC, I’m officially done with them. And unless they release new character skins, or a new game, or downloadable frame data for my main or custom character weapons, or Nintendo-brand "Poké water" that tastes like shit ...
2020-11-25 18:37:27 +0000 UTC View Post"The eldritch whispers of the Void were calling out to me, begging me to return home. An insatiable hunger gnawed at my consciousness; a desire to see the world unmade. In this twisted madness I saw hideous visions of things to come, and delivered myself voluntarily to the blastzone so that everyone could be spared and ...
2020-11-20 17:02:03 +0000 UTC View PostThis is part 2 in a monthly Q&A with Patrons. Any Patron at the $9.00 tier or higher can ask DeepLeffen a question of their choosing. What follows is a list of the questions submitted in September by Patrons along with the curated DeepLeffen responses.
Q: What is your favorite chess opening?
2020-11-20 14:58:44 +0000 UTC
View Post
Deep Leffen: Welcome to another episode of Smash with the Boysss. Today we have Robert the Robot in the flesh, but also in metal. Welcome Robert.
R.O.B.: Hey, can a man get some juice around here?
[Audience laughs]
Deep Leffen: Just as a brief aside, I accid...
2020-11-09 15:06:52 +0000 UTC View PostThis is part 10 in an ongoing series. See part 9 here.
On the last episode:
The judge stood up to speak, but mew2king continued, "as you all know, there is a chasm of space-time that exists between "b... 2020-10-29 15:25:28 +0000 UTC View Post
This is Part 9 in an ongoing series. See Part 8 here
he said, "as long as i'm with friends, every game is a friendly." hugs was beaming with pride. the judge couldn't help but feel pity. he said, "hey, HugS... 2020-10-28 14:42:21 +0000 UTC View Post
This is part 8 in an ongoing series. See part 7 here.
In the last episode:
the judge turned to the court and said, "wow... that was... that was really something. Can we get a round of applause for Mango?" 2020-10-20 17:55:39 +0000 UTC View Post
This is part 7 in an ongoing series. See part 6 here.
In the last episode:
"and some people, mango... some people start a fire because they can't contain the flame that's inside of them. the first fire doesn'... 2020-10-19 18:23:46 +0000 UTC View Post
This is part 6 in an ongoing series. See part 5 here.
In the last episode:
but it was at that moment that the courtroom doors swung open. a small, hairy man reeking of alpha male energy slowly approached the bench. 2020-10-16 17:23:42 +0000 UTC View Post
