How to Tell People You're Autistic + Parenting Struggles | Autistic Advice #2
Added 2023-12-05 22:05:01 +0000 UTCThe 2nd exclusive advice video! More ramblings from me!
Earrings can be found here: https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1045161986/plumbob-earrings-all-colours-available?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=the+sims+earrings&ref=sr_gallery-1-1&frs=1&organic_search_click=1
More about D-MER: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24879-dysphoric-milk-ejection-reflex
Feel free to send your questions, problems, and dilemmas to advice@imautisticnowwhat.com
Put 'Patreon' in the subject line, so I know to respond on here 🥰
Comments
Seems no one has answered the depressive feelings while breastfeeding issue yet. It's called D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex). What happens is the hormones causing the milk to flow release a wave of negative feelings at the same time. I can't now remember how it worked and which hormones are responsible, as for me it was about five years ago. But I suffered from this for a bit (I have hormonal issues) and I researched it myself online seeing as I couldn't get professionals to give me answers at the time. Some people have this throughout their entire breastfeeding period, other for a few weeks or months. Some have if throughout the entire pump or feed, others for just a few minutes. However even if it lasts only a few minutes at a time, it can feel very very difficult to deal with and dishearten people from breastfeeding. I hope this comment helps others who may go looking for information.
Essie
2024-07-17 12:44:19 +0000 UTCUnless I know people well, I will just point out my obvious issues and say something like, "I sometimes get carried away on topics I am really interested in. If you catch me doing that, it is okay to point that out to me. I will not be offended." (Then secretly hold a grudge if they do.)
Roger
2024-03-01 16:50:16 +0000 UTCI was also worried that I didn't immediately have that loving protective attachment to my child. That was 13 years ago and while it hasn't taken that long, it did take some time for me to really feel that deep love and protective feeling for them. I was definitely afraid that I was a terrible person somehow because I didn't feel that way right away. <3
MagnaCorpus
2024-02-08 17:43:06 +0000 UTCWhen I told some of the people that I’ve worked with for the past 19 years that I was diagnosed as autistic, they were not surprised. In fact, one of them told me that he’s known this about me for about 10 years and he’d never mentioned it. Another coworker said that she had been advocating for me for a long time about the best way to work with me: that it’s best to be direct because I won’t take offense, but will accept the information really well and will be able to respond directly and do my work efficiently. She also told me that she had learned some time ago not to be annoyed at the long, preemptive info-dump-type emails I would send her because invariably her clients would come back with questions and she would find that I had already addressed them in my initial emails and she said it made her better at her job that I was so detailed and thorough.
jenniferaslan
2024-02-02 03:50:37 +0000 UTCI knew early on in my teens that parenting wasn't for me but always struggled to explain why. Deep down I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with the noise, mess, running around and the general lack of control (of life and myself if I lashed out at being too overstimulated - out of character for my masked self since being told off for throwing that chair at a bully in the infants school). However I never was able to express/admit just how much I felt I wouldn't be able to cope. I just knew I wouldn't be able to tolerate it but I guess no one ever really believed me when I said I didn't feel I would be able to cope, so I just assumed I was being selfish for flat out shutting down any hint of the idea whenever it came up. My official excuse throughout my 14 year engagement was I didn't want the responsibility of looking after a child but in hindsight I guess I really didn't trust myself not to lose control while trying to cope with a baby as well as with "normal" living/existing. 30 years on I have yet to experience any regrets for making that choice early on. Although looking back at myself with an autistic lens has been an eye opener... the truth is so much around young children, pregnancy and childbirth was so triggering for me that I still actively avoid it whenever possible.
Rosie Wise
2024-01-30 00:20:25 +0000 UTCI finally got to see this. (Life is busy) I love that you were into novelty earrings, and that you stopped because you thought they were immature or not mom stuff. I too have always loved earrings, and not wee diamond studs or small gold hoops. I actually have made many many types of earrings in my 62 years. I stopped wearing my earrings and eventually banished my collection to the laundry room - because life was getting too busy, I was always stressed out, and I had a hard time keeping up on my basic personal hygiene let alone taking the time to select earrings. Many years ago I shifted how I selected earrings from going with a particular outfit to what my intention for the day was. I even wrote and developed marketing and handouts and shopping lists for a course I would teach called "Earrings of Intention". The premise was that earrings are basically benign but knowing personally what I had decided my intention for the day was and feeling them on either side of my head brought me back to my intention throughout the day. For example - I had earrings that were three small gold coins on little gold chains that jingled. Those were for my gather money days. Sometimes it was to go pick up cheques or send out invoices to clients. Sometimes it was to do my banking or file my income taxes.
Mandy Watson
2024-01-10 00:04:43 +0000 UTCAt first I thought of telling everyone at work about my diagnosis but I think I will just let them guess. I leave lots of clues. Also some of the autism stereotypes are brutal.
Don Hicks
2023-12-12 19:52:34 +0000 UTCI didn’t know I was Autistic when my kids were born, and I REALLY wish I had- sensory sensitivity (even just the almost constant physical contact with my babies/toddlers) was overwhelming at times, and I was so hard on myself. I have told my family about my self-diagnosis through a blog I started. It’s been great because I can give all the relevant info in an organized format (vs trying to say all of it well), and it’s helping me process my past experiences. I also hope I can help others to feel less alone , as others’ experiences have helped me.
Kayla
2023-12-09 21:49:45 +0000 UTCThanks for sharing those parenting experiences, you could tell it was deeply personal but it’s so true that people don’t often share truthfully about that kind of stuff, as if you’re already feeling guilty for finding it difficult, it can make those feelings worse if you actually let it out. I appreciate your insight on the female side of things, as my wife struggled to really put it into words - I feel like that’s really helpful to empathise. Ours is a weird dynamic as we’re both on the spectrum. Being pregnant ended up making her permanently disabled (chronic pain in her hips / pelvis that means she can’t walk much, stand or bend forward), and has later turned into rheumatoid in her wrists and ankles - she definitely got the shit deal. I ended up taking on most of the childcare and looking after her too, as she physically struggled to do any of it, although bless her, she did manage 6 weeks of mixed breastfeeding, which I’m super proud of her for - and her experience was much that same as you said in the video. In terms of the whole Dad praise thing, I’ve actually experienced a lot of discrimination the other way - if you’re taking over everything as a Dad, you get a lot of comments like “while you’re busy playing mum”, always looking through me on childcare issues and telling me to make sure his mum does stuff. And just kind of whispers and funny looks around other mums.. I don’t know, it’s kind of patronising the other way - they treat you like all you are capable of is changing the occasional nappy or some basic time together, but don’t forget to hand things off to the REAL parent.. I mean, yeah, it’s harder for real mums I’m sure, but I already feel pretty inadequate as a parent and it just kind of backs it up, you know?
Samuel Melrose
2023-12-08 09:25:54 +0000 UTCYour birth and breastfeeding experience sounds a lot like mine. I wish I'd known that I was autistic then, too. I got diagnosed with post partem depression, but in hindsight, when i would regularly go in to the Dr just streaming tears asking them to help because the sadness was just overwhelming and i couldn't do anything or stop crying for long periods at a time... those were meltdowns. Not depression. Or maybe both? But anyway thank you for this. Gives me a bit to think on.
Brooke Beauregard
2023-12-07 23:56:30 +0000 UTCi tell anyone i have more than a passing relationship with, usually at the point where they invite me to some kind of typically-chatty or -drinky activity that i have no interest in. Also if they're being bantery or sarcastic, i tell them why i don't understand whether they're just funning or being mean.
Otter Annason
2023-12-07 03:14:35 +0000 UTCI love all your earrings, they are great. Not at all childish and they represent your personality. Great advice for telling people you are autistic and also the reality of parenthood. It is very difficult but everyone pretends it isn't so they seem like the perfect parent. I have two sons and very much would not want to go through the early years again. You have to share things out with your partner. It may not seem equal, but we all have strengths and weaknesses and do what works for the family. My husband has always done a lot with our kids and let's me get a bit more sleep because I need more than he does. We have worked out what works for us and that is what we have to do. I had a terrible experience during birth and after too. I would like it if you could share your experience one day, if you feel up to it. I understand if you don't want to though. It was very traumatic for me, so I get it. Love your videos, I find them really interesting and you seem like such a lovely person. Xxx
Lucy Sandford
2023-12-06 21:46:32 +0000 UTCIt was a bit frustrating telling my boyfriend and friends that I thought I had autsim because they kept saying things like "oh don't worry, you don't, there's nothing wrong with you" and it felt a bit invalidating. But I think it was just a mistranslation. What I actually meant was "I think autism is the reason why I am the way I am” but I think what they thought I was saying was "I think there's something wrong with me" and were trying to comfort me. We’ve talked a lot more about it since and I think they understand autism a lot more now. I think we’re starting to realise that more of them might actually be neurodivergent to haha
Sqiddy
2023-12-06 21:20:19 +0000 UTCThank you so much for all the videos explaining my experience in a way that I could never do so myself. It's been so useful to not only understand myself better but to help others understand me too!
BD
2023-12-06 12:48:25 +0000 UTC😂 I can't wait!
I'm Autistic, Now What
2023-12-06 10:32:17 +0000 UTCThank you so much for sharing this - I'm sure it'll be helpful for others reading 💛 It must be nice to unmask at work a little sometimes!
I'm Autistic, Now What
2023-12-06 10:31:58 +0000 UTCI seriously need that video about the stock footage 😂 some of it is soooo random 😂
Katherine
2023-12-06 06:19:53 +0000 UTCThank you, this was so interesting and useful! I told three people by sending them your video explaining what masking feels like and telling them that I related very strongly to it. The first person said they've known for years, the second said they think they are probably autistic too and the third dismissed it saying that what you were explaining was basically just social anxiety. But after some more conversations and sharing of your videos, she's really starting to make an effort understand me better which is amazing! I haven't told anyone else but my work seems extremely open to discussing any adjustments / accommodations I might need in general which is nice to know in case it ever comes up (and I don't just want to suffer in silence). Most of my team at work have many autism symptoms and there's one person in particular that I can even unmask quite a bit in front of and they just see me as normal (maybe more normal than they see other people).
BD
2023-12-06 04:02:59 +0000 UTCIt really frustrates me too, especially when the mom is suffering from post partum depression, they are sometimes seen as a villain...
BD
2023-12-06 03:54:14 +0000 UTCthat is the most honest I have ever heard anyone talk about parenting. thank you.
Melody Hession-Sigmon
2023-12-06 03:52:42 +0000 UTCMy work is providing support to adults with Intellectual and developmental disabilities . An essential part of our service necessitates developing a rapport with our clients that takes us into their worlds. this rapport also an accurate
Woody McGee
2023-12-06 02:19:05 +0000 UTCI love the earrings. An artist i follow on youtube has a huge, weird & wonderful collection of them & i always thought it was awesome. The pregnant & parenting stuff was really interesting. Sounds like a real struggle. I'm impressed you lasted 6months breastfeeding. More & more benefits to this seem to be being discovered over the years. I think you will look back at that time proudly. Although it does sound like it made those first few "joyous" months a living hell. When you are adapting to so many changes already. I've known several people without any of your issues, give up after a couple of months. So this just seemed really impressive to me. Shows how much you are willing to suffer for your child's well-being. But that could be a part of being autistic too, grinning & bearing through it. Thinking it's normal. On the other hand, the child can pick up on all sort of bad juju the mother gives off. Which will probably cancel out any positive effects & having a sad mother is not good for anyone in the fam, especially the mother! I'm not diagnosed yet. But when first put on the waiting list for an appointment. I told my Mother, father & sister. My Mum who i spent the vast majority of my time with as a child. She could tell i was always very different from other children, so she could see why i would want to find out. My father pretty much just said i was very normal & didn't understand. My sister didn't seem to understand either & didn't seem to want to talk about it. So i've decided to pretty much just surprise them when i get the diagnosis. I'm hoping i don't need their input so much. I got a little from my mother, but she struggles to remember a lot of things now. I might tell my work when i get diagnosed, but just to tell them the areas of my work that might be impacted. I already have a list in mind. One of the main areas is my tendency to work past my pain limits. I feel this is something an employer should be aware of, if i'm working for them long term. Loving the videos as always, sorry for the long ramble 💛
fo4URm
2023-12-06 00:39:00 +0000 UTCYou are absolutely right about the very bizarre, “Oh you’re such a good father” type comments for doing just the basics. It’s really odd to be on the receiving end of that too - I can imagine Lewis doing a single eyebrow raise at that!
Autistic AF (Mike)
2023-12-05 23:45:16 +0000 UTCBeing a parent is quite possibly the scariest 😱 but at the same time, the most rewarding thing that a human being can be 🧡🥹🧡 Great advice Meg, as always 😎😁🥰 I have to agree with Steven. The earrings are sooooo cool 😎🤩😍 we definitely need more earrings 😅😅 (and while you’re there, more cat ears/funky alice bands please 😸)
Buddy
2023-12-05 23:41:17 +0000 UTCkeen people would usually know despite you didn't tell them, or a subtle hint will suffice, since it starts to pop in several bubbles (ie. child autism struggles are theme for a Japanese movie debut of Yusuke Morii). as for the masses, it's better to blend in.
Konrad Rzentarzewski
2023-12-05 22:51:53 +0000 UTCThank you! 😁
I'm Autistic, Now What
2023-12-05 22:40:20 +0000 UTCI think it depends on the person - some people will come around and be open to learning 💛 But sadly that isn't the case for everyone, you're right.
I'm Autistic, Now What
2023-12-05 22:39:45 +0000 UTCThank you so much for the advice. Love the earrings. You do you. I look forward to your next advice video. Take care. Peace ✌️
Steven M Chatelain
2023-12-05 22:30:54 +0000 UTCa rule of thumb is don't tell. current knowledge about neurodivergence not being actual disability, but a mix of traits both positive and negative is near zero. you'll be stigmatized, and taken pity on at best, and taken advantage of at worst.
Konrad Rzentarzewski
2023-12-05 22:23:49 +0000 UTC
