Learning to be alone

the fact that I had the exact same experience trying to be social living in multiple countries makes it more scary. I thought it was due to cultural nuance or language barrier, but here I am in Canada in the most multicultural city where everyone speaks English and this video did in fact trigger an emotional response because I felt called out, it was mirroring my life so much I thought it was made specifically to mock me good job jreg! like, when I decided to be an extravert 5 years ago I also thought being proactive enough would result in me having a tight group of friends like in all those sitcoms I watched growing up, and now I finally realize that I’m pathologically always being asymmetrically proactive and interested in people who don’t have the same enthusiasm (about me) at all, and the best I could do is being a filler friend in multiple groups that fell apart. “why do I have to beg people to play music with me” is spot on. My most success community building was unsurprisingly building communities around specific interests since then there’s less friction and people tolerate you for the sake of pursuing interest, however connections created were mostly shallow. some of those communities were worthy to build but it took a lot of effort and I think I expected to receive more subconsciously. finally I reflected on my current situation and all those years and realized it was definitely not worth the effort, and right at the moment I gave up on people jreg made a video talking about exactly the same stuff! the fact that I live in proximity to jreg is even funnier cause I know there are people in the same situation as me (but in natural circumstances we would probably find each other repelling) becoming an extravert made me feel lonely when I’m not around people and also hyper aware of group dynamics and what people think of me, so here I am learning to be alone and I am glad to share this parasocial journey with jreg because he is literally me! I’m angry because it feels like failing when you genuinely *thought* you had things to offer to other people but I don’t really know how to interface with the world anymore. normie people can feel that I don’t belong and I’m not even trying to befriend them, and *interesting* archetypes (like male/female art hoes in latest jreg videos) perceive me as boring, and well in their frame of perception I really am of no value to them. so I’m an introvert now. eventually I will summon the strength, destroy my ego and move to Ottawa to start building wholesome communities postironically despite all the sediment, that’ll show them!

inconspicuous

this is also one of your best by the way. crushingly relateable

Sophie Ruth

What a sweet message, thank you so much! I did actually go to the class, and this served as the first stepping stone to achieving some other basic-but-major-for-me milestones, like going into busy shops, cafes, kind of starting a small play group with some local kids, reconnecting with some old friends, etc (severe anxiety has been keeping me extremely isolated). Things have been very rough-going for various reasons even alongside this progress - but without any exaggeration, it really was the most significant step forward I’ve made in 3+ years of dealing with this. So yeah, also thanks 2 Jreg, who very unintentionally provided one of the rungs on the ladder that finally allowed me to start climbing out of this hell. I was already ready to try to escape, but needed a few pushes. And thanks again to you! I really hope I find that fulfilment too - and the same for you, of course.

cam

I really wanted to do this when I was younger. If you can’t fully commit, I have had some great experiences going to retreats and conferences. As an adult, I’ve focused on writing-based events and have always come home with better work and at least a couple “camp friends.” I’ve met some of my favorite friends that way, and we still travel to visit each other on our own

Kris Jeffords

That is very well-said. Sometimes I question my sanity, but I’m sane enough to see it’s a lot sturdier than most of the absurd stuff we all see every day, lol

Kris Jeffords

That is awesome, and I hope you had a great time! And if you didn’t make it to class yet, don’t feel bad. When something big like what you are feeling starts poking up through the soil, it usually grows and blooms in time. You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person, and I hope you find great fulfillment

Kris Jeffords

I'm extremely sorry if my conscious choice to develop a parasocial relationship impacted your ability to be genuine.

Sophie Ruth

follow up: seeing this video just after having the conversation mentioned above really kicked my ass into gear in terms of tackling this head on. guess who is overcoming their self imposed isolation by going to a sewing class at the local community arts centre this weekend. gonna make friends with some old ladies 😎

cam

Sometimes it's better to stay local, or local-er. The example I gave is Boston-based I think, but these kinds of communities exist in most cities

Empress Janeway

But isn't that why most artists move to L.A.?

Fiona

going to church can help if you believe but it doesn't solve everything

Liam Lemons

Have you ever considered an artists' residency like this one? It's basically a commune. That way it wouldn't feel like it was just you trying to create & hold together a community. https://www.instagram.com/stjosephsartisans/

Empress Janeway

Go to church????

Fiona

you can join my cult.

i commented before i watched the video but dang, that hits hard

Meridius

It's a strange time to be alive, and you're doing an amazing job documenting what it's like to cope with remaining sane in a completely unhealthy world

unironically i used to go to church for the community aspect, and they all knew i wasn’t religious, but welcomed me anyway. eventually i stopped for a variety of reasons, but it gave me the first true insight into why church is so important to so many people’s lives

cam

unfortunately, this is something where I can pitch in with my own experience, but by no means make the subject matter any more hopeful. I spent 11ish years in church, and it was one of the best, tight knit, communities I have ever experienced. for better for worse, the church blew up due to financial fraud, but myself and the people that have left honestly never found anything better. Not because agnostic life was worse, but simply because nothing in the agnostic cultural space could make people of a range of background and ages open up their deepest secrets, cry in front of strangers, be generous without wanting a return, and genuinely support other random ass people that aren't their kin religion is so bad when its bad, but no one ever tells you that when it's good, there's nothing else like it. i don't know what to say Jreg. post ironically join a church for content?

Not to get parasocial… but I’m happy you felt comfortable sharing what you felt you wanted to (or needed to) share. I’m a similar type of person, at a similar age, in a different country, and coincidentally spent half an hour tearfully explaining this exact issue to a family member just a few hours ago. It seems like a particular plague to be struck by - being a social person who never feels completely fulfilled by their social relationships. I think the truth is just that some of us are heavily community-oriented and do need deep connections to rely on and keep us moving, but there’s certainly an element of learning to live with yourself. Learning to cope with the racing thoughts in the silence, the yearning for another human being to bounce ideas off. Someone to sing a nice tune with. I don’t think it has to be all or nothing. I’m just a stranger on the internet, so I’m in no place to be offering advice, but from experience - even through this journey to find peace with yourself (truly yourself, alone, only you), it’s good to be wary of isolation, as that’s its own poison. It’s easy for self-improvement to become self-punishment when you blame yourself for how you’re feeling. With that being said, I look forward to the upcoming content and hope that throwing yourself into creative pursuits only brings you the type of feelings you wanna be having :) wait, is this parasocial frfr? i just think it’s a human being sharing thoughts with (at) another human being who shared their thoughts, but honestly idek these days where the line is with communication across the creator/audience abyss lol. we’re all just weird little creatures on a floating rock after all

cam