Darth Vader Blind Date!

Still has an Irish accent! Hilarious.

😂😂😂

D.V: "Stop laughing right now." Me: "I'm sorry." *pulls a straight face* Me: *bursts out laughing*

Prue

Drunk Vader! Priceless!!

Happy almost-Samstag, Claudia! Although I am still under quarantine, I might just sneak out to go watch <i>The Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2</i> because I have been eagerly awaiting its release for weeks 😃 <b>Preferred head size (non-erotic version):</b> I'd pick watermelon. Maybe I would get lucky and end up with a head the size of one of those sugar baby watermelons, which wouldn't be so bad. <b>Mouse or elephant:</b> I'd be the tiny elephant. My tusks would be so small that douchebag poachers wouldn't bother trying to hunt me for ivory, and I'd probably get the <i>"Aww, she's so cute! Can I keep her and love her forever?"</i> treatment instead of the <i>"Oh God, kill it! Kill it with fire!"</i> response I'd get if I was a giant mouse. <b>Live forever or die imminently:</b> Gah...I don't want to live forever, but I definitely don't want to die in the next 5 minutes. I suppose I'd choose immortality - I'd have all the time in the world to think of a way to make it bearable, I suppose. But there's still so much that I want to do and experience in my life that will require a lot longer than five minutes. (Case in point: I probably wouldn't even have time for one last round of lady fapping 😞) <b>Lion's mouth or human cannonball</b> I'd pick the human cannonball. I guess I would have to trust that the experts who set up the performance did so in a safe manner that would allow me to <i>not</i> have my legs blown off or die on impact. But if the lion suddenly decided, <i>"Fuck this noise, I'm done with the circus life!"</i> and unleashed his contempt of humanity directly onto my face, I'd be screwed. <b>Ugly genius or hot moron:</b> I'm already about 70% unsightly genius, so I might as well go the distance 😝 <b>The Walking Dead or Jurassic Park:</b> I've never watched The Walking Dead before, but I'm assuming it takes place in a post-apocalyptic setting where zombies roam reasonably freely across much of the world. However, in the Jurassic Park franchise, you're only ever in danger <i>if you actually go to the park</i>. So I would pick Jurassic Park because I could go about my merry day-to-day existence as usual and just not go to the damned park. <b>Horse's tail or unicorn horn:</b> Probably horse's tail. I could always trim it to a manageable length and hide it under my clothes, whereas a unicorn horn would just be...there. Like, right there, on your forehead, all the time. It might come in handy if you ever got into a fight with a ram 🐏 but really, how likely is that to ever happen?

Guten Morgen sweet Sirens! A wonderful Samstag - Saturday! Hope everyone has a good Wochenende - weekend!? Have you planned something... hm... Gaelandianic? Haha... whatever that may be? :) Today I have some tame questions... for a change. Feel free to get as detailed as you like. Would you rather... ... have a head the size of a tennis ball or the size of a watermelon? ... be a giant mouse or a tiny elephant? ...live forever or die in the next five minutes? ...be the circus person who puts their head in the lion’s mouth or the clown that is shot out of a cannon? ...be an ugly genius or a hot moron? ...be in a real version of The Walking Dead or Jurassic Park? ...have a horse’s tail or a unicorn horn? So, danke wie immer - as always. Bis später XD And don´t forget to send your "Voices of Gaelandia" audio message! Deadline May 9th!! Please don´t be shy... Gael will enjoy to hear from you. the.frau.claudia@gmail.com See details on the community site (you have to scroll down a little) or the "Exciting Future" thread. Danke!

Epic indeed. Hurrah for Doktimus!

Doc, you are freakin' epic. Just saying.

Dearest Frau Claudia, I have news to tell you that you may find interesting! Since I was looking as pale as Morticia Addams, I decided to get a tan by indulging in some UV rays. Unfortunately I got into the wrong bed in the tanning salon and ended up being exposed to gamma rays instead. Although my radioactive glow is quite aesthetically pleasing, public health officials have informed me that I must now stay at least 2000 metres from all human life because I ooze sex appeal so potent that it does damage at the cellular level. 😱 The moral of the story is to NEVER, EVER use tanning beds, unless you want to end up a social pariah (or develop a whopping case of melanoma. But for real, ladies and gents, use sunscreen and wear a hat during these upcoming summer months! 🕶👒)<br><br>At the insistence of public health officials, I have been <del>forcibly relocated</del> sent on an all-expenses paid vacation to the jungles of South America. My benefactors at public health have set me up at a lavish but abandoned holiday resort inexplicably named "Spain".<br><br>Remember how we all felt sorry for Seanie for being such a simpleton that he actually thought Spain was in South America? Well, the joke's on us...he was actually referring to this very resort, making him technically correct that "Spain" is located in South America. Call me crazy if you must, but as I was exploring the empty kitchen, I found that someone had written "Seanie wuz hear 2017!" on the floor in mustard. Next to this cryptic message was a drawing of two penises in ketchup. The one that was about as long as my green arm was labelled "Seanie's massive mickey". The other, measuring about as long as my pinky finger, was labelled "Gael's man clit". So I'm pretty sure that this is where Seanie, bless his well-intentioned heart, recorded a full-length version of his erotic audio that is yet to be released to the public. I do wonder how he escaped from the attic, though! While we're on the topic of phallic symbols, I found this in one of the bedrooms here: <img height="190" src="https://zibbet.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/photo/file/7248086/gallery_hero_7248086-original.jpg"> Could it really be, Claudia? Is this the elusive key that the Lizard Queen has been searching for? She did say that Seanie knew of the key's existence, and he is enough of a trickster to have stolen it from Indiana Gael. But Seanie also seems like he might have some...err, unconventional fetishes, and he might just as well bought this off of eBay and accidentally left it here. I shall keep you updated on the details of my <del>mandatory quarantine</del> astounding adventures! Keepin' it real, Fräulein Doktimus

Oh, Herr Vader is harmless, Frau Claudia! He is probably too busy Force choking the chicken as he creates his next instructional audio for his loyal stormtroopers 😝<br><br>If you want to hear something truly terrifying, I've left a little present in your inbox - the screeching wail of a Canadian banshee 😯

I instantly laugh after hearing the the kissing sound xD

Midnight Erza

So, Herr Gael did it again... he scared everyone away!... tss... tss.... You can come out now Sirens! Herr Vader won´t come back anytime soon... I hope! XP

"Hungover Vader" is an awesome idea... The Ninja would love to pick up some Jedi mind tricks...

Maybe I should send Vader after Queenie and the Ninja? 😜

The skit was gloriously funny! Thank you so much!

Someone mentioned may the 4th and so I hurried home and tried to put something together as quickly as I could. At first I had Vader as a gentleman full of chivalry.. but then I re-thought it.. I was like: what if he's authoritative and bossy... But then he has some wine and gets the 'beer googles'.. hits on the girl and then vomits... making it a date from hell. But it's so hard to write humour for this type of character.. I tried lol I was expecting a bit of a back lash as I thought it was a terrible audio... But it went ok me thinks... I just wanted to do something to mark the occasion. 😜

I just can't with these questions 🙈😂 But I would like to try my hand at the story: There was no denying she was beautiful, he thought as he felt her lips move along his throat. He'd done everything he could to focus on that which was tangible--the curve of her hip, the arch of her back, to keep his mind off other thoughts. But no matter how he tried to convince himself that she was merely a sexy distraction, he couldn't ignore the fluttering of his heart at all those other qualities she possessed: the way she answered text messages in perfectly punctuated paragraphs; the way her feet sounded as she padded through the dark kitchen in search of a midnight snack; the way she frowned ever so slightly in her sleep, though he didn't know why; the way she named the dust bunnies under the bed (the latest was Gonzalo). He realized with a gulp that what was supposed to be lighthearted and uncomplicated had turned into something more, something he wasn't sure he could handle or allow. Against his better judgement, he put a hand under her chin to tilt her face up to his and kissed her mouth, giving no hint of the revelation he had just experienced: he was in love. Gave it a shot, anyway. Hope you all have a lovely Friday! ❤

Laura

Hahaha! 😂😂 Loved it! I never knew Vader had issues pronouncing his H's tho! 😝 That kiss...🤣💋 Thank you!

Trish

That was very funny!!! A laughed a lot! Thank you

Guten Morgen Gaelandia! Hope everyone has a happy Freitag - Friday!? I dug up some old questions... I think they are quite interesting... Do you/would you like Bondage? ...a little rope play, to be tied up or maybe cuffed? ...and of course, do you/would you like to tie up your man ? What is your favourite? ...when Gael cums deep inside your pussy? ...over your Arsch - ass and back? ...over your Titten - tits? ...all over your Gesicht -face? (though he never did that yet? Did he?) ...or in your Mund - mouth? (sadly he never did that too! :( ...) How do you imagine Gael`s Schwanz - cock? XD (Edit: Oh that´s a good one, isn´t it?) XD Do you like it when Gael says his name in an sexy audio? (Well I do! ...though I haven´t heard it in a while? Am I wrong?) And I think we haven´t had a little story for a while? So if you like write a litte Geschichte - Story, including these words... hm... let`s see (I gonna grab the nearest book and pick some...) ...distraction, gulp, why, hint, text, ignore, dust, feet, allow. So, that´s it. Danke as always... I will see you later in the evening. I know you will lurk around `cause it´s Friday... won´t you? Hm? XD Please remember to record and send your "Voices of Gaelandia" audio message! the.frau.claudia@gmail.com Deadline May 9th! See details in the "Exciting Future" thread or on the community site. Thanks!

I laughed so hard I almost wet myself at work, Gael you have to stop this, mocking the Lords of the universe could prove dangerous in the long run - even if it is hilarious today!

KrystaLynne

Careful there Lord Vader, too much alcohol has been know to cause lightsaber dysfunction, otherwise known as LD. 😜

This audio is what the world needed 👌🖖 *kissing sounds* "You make my helmet throb"...

I can't wait to listen! 👏🏻😝

Trish

Ahahahah that kiss!!! 😂😂😂 Great job Lord Vader 😂😂😂

Kathy M

In the Vader mask? LOL

Laughed so hard, my family thought I was nuts! I don't know, those lines sound awfully familiar to me....sure Seanie wasn't giving Vader some dating pointers? LOL

Oops put this in the wrong place before: I ❤ this comment so much. 🤓

Yaaasss, an exclusively Star Wars themed audio! 😍 Best May the Fourth ever! Despite his literal and figurative hardened exterior, I've always thought Vader was a softie deep down. And it was awfully considerate (and responsible) of him to take a cab home rather than risk flying his TIE fighter while under the influence of alcohol. 👍 Because I'm absolutely not a nerd, I'll point out that Darth Vader actually can consume food orally through feeding straws located along his collar that run through the inside grills of his face mask (i.e., the triangular-shaped grill in this blueprint of his mask): <img height="190" src="https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/6/6a/RiddellDVBP.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20121220143024"> Plus Vader apparently goes Number One like any other Sith Lord - there's a catheter, collection pouches, and a waste recycling system built into his suit. ...anyone else excited for Episode 8? I know I can't be the only one here who is. 😃

You had me at greetings...I am your date...😂😂😂😂

Yemaya37(Water Witch)

Hahaha!!!! Oh wait....I wasn't laughing at you, it was something that happened earlier...than, uh....gee look at the time. Gotta go 🚀😖😖

You're so not getting a second date 😂. Shame too because that supernova comment was fantastic. Yes, I am mocking you. 😛 This was hilarious, loved it 💕

The best Star Wars fanfic ever... EVER!!!!! 🤣😂🤣😂🤣

"Chewie" pasta?? stringy - yes; vegan - no*

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 #commentsonfire

Trina

Ssso that Vader... at leasst he´sss a Lord... hmm... *taps claw against her lip* But... nah! I don´t like canned meat... *slithers quickly away*

LOL!! XD

Yes, yes, I mock you. Now destroy me.

I thought I´d never say that... but can Seanie come back instead?? Biiittte? ...please? Hm?

I stopped everything I was doing to listen to this. I could not stop laughing 😂😂😂😂😂 It made it even more funny when you said "stop your laughing right now!" 😂😂😂😂😂😂

The fact that I got the notification that this is also on Patreon immediately made me think there was gonna be some extended version with Vader erotic lovin' going on #shameonme #conditionedlikePavlovsdog #iknowwhenthatpatreonbling #PArequest😂😂😂

💖What a great date! Lord Vadar with an Irish accent 😁😁😁

This has made me laugh for hours. The newsroom thought I was insane I was just sitting at my desk dying. Haha.

I just turned off Snoop and Dr. Dre. This betta be worth it! 😉

Kelly S