Throwing Water at a Brick Wall...

Last week was fucking insane. 

I interviewed so many people for my documentary, set up meetings with producers for Idol underworld, and on top of that, still found time to do Necroma business. I literally have fallen asleep the past couple of nights with my fingers on my computer keyboard trying to keep up with all the work I have now. 

Today, I went to see CY8ER. I wanted to talk to their producer. CY8ER was playing with Migma Shelter and Uijin at Shibuya O-West (or east? I can't fucking remember). I stepped inside the venue and couldn't even move past the door, it was so fucking packed.

That didn't stop me, of course, from grabbing a beer at the bar on the other side of the venue. I settled into a nice viewing spot just as Uijin finished up and CY8ER came onstage pretty fast... or at least I think they did. I couldn't see past the wall of fucking wotas who were lifted in the air in front of the stage and the hundreds of light blades flashing everywhere. Seriously, it was like, I think, over 30 people lifted all at once! Just... that's incredible to witness, and very much what you see at idol shows that are that big and kicked into full gear like it always is at CY8ER's lives. I forgot how emotionally overwhelming they are live, and how much fun they are too. I was really, really tempted to say FUCK IT and join in the dancing. 

Thank you, Marlon, for the ticket. I didn't have time to buy one so he got me the ticket and then made the introduction to CY8ER's producer for me too, since everybody knows Marlon in CY8ER's camp. 

I talked to the producer... he seemed interested, at least, in getting an email from me to discuss a meeting. So we'll see if that actually happens. I hope it does. I really, really want to work with CY8ER, particularly Hamuchan, and totally move to that next level of idol in what I'm doing. I hope it will happen. I need it to happen. 

This week I have some more meetings lined up, but also Burst Girl Rei's graduation show. I wonder how I will feel to see Rei leave? She means so much to me. I... I dunno. It will be painful, I think, to see that happen, but as with all idols.... they are transient, here today, gone today. I'll save my feelings on that for another time. 

I did get to spend a nice night with Mishima san, Koyuki, and Yuka from Lilii Kaona. They allowed me to watch their songwriting process and record it. I got some great footage from that too. I'm so happy I could make that happen. I'll be getting a lot more footage of them soon. 

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You know, I've really been dealing with a lot of mental stuff. It's stuff I can't be specific about because of people that are involved with this "stuff," I'm talking about, but... can I just be honest right now and say to all of you that I'm struggling still? I mean, I got a lot of great encouragement and that's been super helpful to me. Really, it's helped tremendously. And staying busy with my documentary filming and Necroma has helped me to not have time to really think about the stuff that happened with me. But when I go home, I have about a ten to fifteen minute walk to my apartment from the train station, and then I have an empty apartment waiting for me. An apartment that, at one point, wasn't so empty, and sometimes had somebody in it that I loved deeply. Now I have nothing here. I mean, I have people I work with, and the idols who I cherish and protect always, but at night... it's hard here. It's really difficult to think about the fact that certain things I eat, or certain things I see around me, or certain things I listen to... they are all reminders of what I lost. And what I can't seem to get back again.

I think about the question of whether what I really lost was all that much? Like, the person I lost... she was not so kind to me, and very selfish in many ways, but... we had moments where we were together and just were... happy, content, not on the earth anymore. Really in our own private Idaho, so to speak. It was escapism at its best, and with the person who I thought was best to escape with. But was she? Was she really somebody who I could have had an actual future with? I mean... when I really think about it... we were doomed from the first day we met. It was never going to last, and something was going to break it sooner or later, and there were so many times when she was seemingly waiting for that to happen... there could be no problems, I could only be perfect for her and had to be on her timetable... and I put up with all of her bullshit because I saw the good in her that occasionally glimmered to the surface... like how she would do nice things for me sometimes, and those nice things were unbelievably nice and at the right time for me to receive nice things, as in, when I was crushed by other things in my life that were good at crushing me. 

Now, I feel like I've gone crazy. I'm a zombie walking home from the station. On the train, I must look shell-shocked to those around me. And you know, the old idea of finding somebody else and moving forward... yeah, that will probably work. I don't doubt that at all because honestly, that is how I heal from this, I think. I move on, but the scariest feeling in the world I have right now is thinking that the next person I meet and touch and maybe even love again won't be the girl who I lost. I hope you can understand what I mean. That's super difficult to understand. Or accept. And I'm trying to not listen to sad songs and get super Emo, or stay in this place mentally. I've been through more pain and suffering in this life than most people will ever feel in their entire lives. I'm sure there is more misery in store for me too. And all I really have is my creative push. That and my family. Dominic, Frankie, Gina, my mother... Frankie in particular... he's changed his entire life around and now has been there for me. A lot. I can't even believe it, but... he's been through some serious shit too. And you know, I'm getting older, and that scares me too.. how much life do I have left on this planet? Mortality is setting in to me... as people I've known my whole life are dying, and the people I loved (not in the way I've been describing, but like.. you know... NORMAL love, I guess? Not all consuming love) are not even my friend on facebook anymore, and all I've been left with is a life that could easily have any given City and Colour album as its perfect soundtrack. 

How did I end up here? I mean... what is going to happen to me? Will I actually reach the goal line and end up happy? It's not that I'm unhappy now... It's that I have nobody to be happy with now here in Tokyo, and that's rough. Really rough. Everybody I love is gone... taken away, or far away, or I can't see them because of where I am at and who I am and what I'm doing... and I can't go back to Pennsylvania again. I did that once before, when I was stranded in St. Louis many years ago. I started over then, and I did it right. And I built a life for myself and did many things I wanted to do, but that all happened because I broke up with the first girl I ever really loved. I still have a deep place in my heart for her. She was truly special... truly somebody I couldn't even believe I got to kiss and touch and spend so many great nights with (and so many horrible nights with too). And now.. I'm in the same exact spot again... far from home, broken up with the second girl I've ever truly loved in my life, and not sure if I should go back home, or keep fighting here. 

I will stay. For now. I need to finish what I'm doing here. That's not going to change. But after I do... then what? I still have those books to write, but I also kind of need to be here to write those books. And if I go back to America... I can't do anything I'm doing now as effectively. And I don't want to go back to America... I need to make it work here.

But how do I do that when everything here reminds me of what I lost? I'm back to that question again. How do I really make this work? 

Have you ever loved somebody so much that running into them by chance leaves your legs shaking so bad you feel like you are going to fall over? That is what Tokyo is to me, right now... a minefield full of shell shock. So... that's what I am feeling now. I know... fucking stupid, right? 

I have this stupid fantasy.... and I'm sure it's really stupid but I'm going to write it here anyway because I like to fantasize....

I live in Tokyo in a big fucking house in the middle of Ginza, or Meguro, or someplace where all the rich assholes live here. Someplace where my big house won't attract that much attention.

My bedroom has glass walls full of thousands of gallons of water, and is full of even more gigantic jellyfish that float around in the walls. 

I have more money than God. I don't take the trains anymore but have some really cool, buff Japanese martial arts master drive me around and basically protect me from everybody who would even think to approach me in a way that would suggest violence or being a dick to me. 

I am fluent in Japanese. Like, fucking master at it.

The girl I love is with me. We are inseparable, but because she's obsessed with me to the point where she can't live without me and would rather take a knife to her throat and slit open her windpipe (and maybe mine too) than breath another breath if it meant not being with me. Yeah... I want THAT kind of love. Yanderes are welcome in this fantasy.

I organize world tours for idols, put out photobooks of all the idols I love, and make music with idols. And I eat Ikinari Steak at least once a week. 

Okay, that's about as far as I got with my fantasy but yeah... I want that kind of money. Stupid money. Not to be selfish though... the things I just mentioned are really the only personal things I want. Like, somebody to just help me out. An Assistant would be nice too. But I would be running shit and helping people with the money I have. That's all. And my jellyfish. I really want to own one someday. Or hell, a digital jellyfish I could put in a fake water tank and put on my desk... that would work too lol.

I'm done for now. My mind is just gone... I'm gone. I just... I'm trying to figure out everything, and trying to be happy, and it's not working as well as I want. So please forgive me for being so crazy with all of this. I just... I don't know how to recover myself after what happened to me in the past three months... I'm just emotionally at the lowest point maybe I've ever been in my life, with the exception of the night I left my old band, and the night I said goodbye to my first love... now here I am again, and Tokyo's pit of hell is unforgiving. 

But there's still all of you to drag my nails against the deep well walls for. I will keep dragging. For you. Because right now, maybe you is all I have. 

Love, 

D.