Lilii Kaona. Dance in the Perfect.

Literally woke up after two hours of sleep exactly. I have no idea how the fuck I managed to do that. Usually when I try something like a two hour sleep quickie, I fuck that up so bad that I end up having to cancel whatever I had planned and do a restart.

 I couldn't do that this time. I was scheduled to film Lilii Kaona's one man live, their second one, at Shibuya's Space Odd. I had to be there at noon and was given just about full and total access to film anything and everything that day, which I ended up doing pretty much. And then some. 

Well, I could've filmed more, but I ran out of memory cards. I only have three. This is why I need money, folks... I need to buy shit to do my job lol.

Anyway, tried to catch a bus but usually when I'm trying to do that, it just doesn't show up. Even if the bus schedule says it's supposed to. That bus saves me a twelve minute walk to the train station, which from that point to Shibuya for me, is about 45 minutes. I tried to hail a taxi instead and pay the 5.20 or so it would cost me to get to the station from where I was at... yep... not a single taxi in sight. 

So I humped all my video equipment and myself in the blistering fall sun (Yes... fall here is pretty much an extension of summer weather here). Then when I reached Shibuya, I needed to take the New South Exit to get to Space Odd, or so I thought? I think I was completely wrong, because I ended up in a terrible spot of not being able to get a taxi in that part of Shibuya to get to Space Odd. That venue is not close to the station at all. 

Eventually though, I found a taxi and got to Space Odd, and then got to filming.

Now, I won't go through everything because, honestly, I'm so tired right now I can barely sit up straight. I have to film Kiss Hug's live tomorrow (well, technically it's today), but that's later at night, I think. So I wanted to just get some rest. I have a bunch of new Idol underworld Orders I want to process, plus it's bill paying time, and I have to do all the invoices for all the Idol underworld artists. And of course, figure out what's going on with my own finances and how I can continue my documentary after this week. It is getting more difficult, as Hanako San, who I am supposed to film at her home on Thursday, told me her parents decided that wasn't happening, so now I have to rent ANOTHER space for her interview. There's another few hundred dollars I have to come up with. Hanako was super apologetic about it and I understand completely. I'm striking out with all these idols when it comes to going to their homes. It's not like I even want to do that. I really don't, but I feel it's important for the documentary to show the idols outside of lives and doing interviews, you know? That's going to get super repetitive really fast in my documentary. So... I got to figure out what I'm doing there.

My mind though was totally focused on getting all the filming done that I could at Lilii's Live. It was tremendous, though I felt at times I was kind of just in the way. I did end up helping them with some stuff they needed done for the One Man Live, so that was cool. But... I was on my own there, for the most part. There were probably 20 plus staff there doing everything under the sun for the girls and for Mishima san, including making all kinds of food for the fans to eat when they came into the venue, another girl to set up the buppan table (though I helped with that), another person to do the chekis for the girls later in the evening, a team to man six videocameras to film the entire show, a photographer who seemed really annoyed at me because we were the only two in front of the stage during the live and couldn't get by each other to switch angles very easily with our shooting, and then of course, the poor girls... I stuck my camera in their faces so much I'm surprised they didn't want to kill me by the end of the evening. They were of course very "idol" about it all, but like at one point, backstage (which is right behind the main stage, with only two doors that are curtained going to the backstage), I was talking to the awesome costume designer for them, Ayako, about her designs (Yes, Lilii is an idol group that will change outfits on you at a one man live. Their outfits are incredible. Truly works of art, thanks to Ayako), and Koyuki came off the stage to the back area and in so many words, told me to shut the fuck up. 

Well, she was super nice about it, but also kind of scary, because she was a girl with a mission today. Even Yuka was like... Koyuki is scary today looool. I was laughing because there's always that one girl or person in a group that is the ass kicker, who makes sure everybody does what they do. 

And to Koyuki's credit, she manned the practice that went on for HOURS, all day, and guided Yuka and the little girls who joined LiliiKao onstage for a few songs, practically through every inch of the show. It was incredible to watch this girl work. And Yuka. And Mishima san, who never once faltered with his bright spirit and making sure he paid attention to every single person at the venue that needed his attention. Not once did his break... that was incredible as well to watch. And at the end of the night, I gave him a hug and asked him what he thought. He just had one word for me:

 TSUKARETA. 

Yep. I was feeling exhausted too. I filmed so much and did so much today that it reminded me almost of Necroma's one man live back in April... except that one man live I did a hundred things that day and was dripping in sweat for the entire day, thanks to having so much to do for Ricky and the girls. This one man live was much more quieter, subdued, and relying on Koyuki and Yuka to just do what they do onstage, which is something very few idols do well, and that's dance their assess off but do it in a way that reminds you of ballerinas painting in the air with their hands, legs, feet, and faces. Or something like that. It's hard to describe, but you can sure as fuck cry your eyes out watching it. I broke down a little during a few songs, as I was right up front, practically as close to the stage as humanly possible without getting on it (something most idols don't allow, since that space is so sacred to them), and just feeling so much emotions swelling over me every moment of the show. When the little girls came out on the stage, dressed in all white flowing robes that Ayako also made for them, and their faces had these beautiful painted veil covers on them... they danced like professionals, even though they were all super young (and one of them repeatedly kept saying in English to me, "HELLO!" whenever I saw her backstage. She trolled the shit out of me. I couldn't stop laughing at that, though I also couldn't stop crying by the time they were done with their song and collab song with LilliKao. I felt so many memories of my life hit me so hard... like, thinking about all the people I lost this year and the past couple of years... and realizing if their bodies have dissolved into molecules in the ground, they are now re-formed in the musical notes that people like Mishima san strings together to provide the soundtrack for such beautiful choreography that Koyuki creates and Yuka demonstrates. It's all symbiotic, you know? And it was working overtime tonight, because the crowd in the venue (it was packed to the fucking door, and the upstairs VIP area had several people in there too.. and idols! More on that in a second) was silent the whole time, lost in their own memories and feelings, I think, and swimming in their own tears (I saw several weeping). It was truly glorious. Truly what idol is for me and what I want to show the world that THIS is what idol can be in Tokyo. It's not all creepsters and pedos stalking young girls. It's men and women and idols in a crowd watching these idols on the stage and invoking a deep sense of themselves as they reflect that sense of themselves on the idols on the stage. Like I said, it's reciprocal on a painful but cathartic level of emotions. 

That's Lilli Kaona, in so many nutshells and eggshells. 

I saw Moe from Kiss Hug at the show. She came over to me and we chatted for a moment. I asked if I could film her for a moment (since her story on my doc is about her idol otaku spirit) and she initially told me we should probably get permission from Oshima san, which she's totally right, but then she was like... because it's you Derek, it is okay. Go ahead. So... I was happy about that. I hope Oshima won't be upset at me... I should have sent him a quick message to ask his permission. I let the Western side of me get the best of me... because you know, in Japan, you are defined by your roles always. My role that day was working for Lilii Kao, and Moe's role that day was a fan of Lilii Kao, NOT an idol. I shouldn't approach her with any kind of request or even really talk to her, unless she wants to say something to me first. I know this shit but just... fuck it man... I was sooooo tired, and I wanted to add this on the documentary. So I just said fuck it. I won't do that again though. I respect the idol rules as much as possible. 

Moe gave a quick cute speech about Lilii Kao. I hope it makes it into the documentary!

Anyway, there's more I could write but the story's the same. I need your help. I'm revising the Patreon here soon. I really don't know what I'm doing about the rest of the month and my budget I need to complete the interviews and other assorted things I need to do (I did a quick calculation... if I get every interview I am trying to still get, plus do the B-Roll stuff, and that's it, I'll need about $2,600 or so total. That will cover all the expenses outside of the Video Editor and subtitles and final steps of work, which will cost about 32,000, give or take. So yeah... gotta find a way to make $2,600 in the next week or two or this doc gets put on hold because I simply can't finish it thanks to my personal bank account funds just... not being there. And yes, that's AFTER what I'm getting paid by Idol Underworld merchandise (It's not as much as you think... I barely take anything from the artists). 

And yeah... I missed HER a LOOOOT tonight. Saw something tonight on social media about her that made me truly sad. She's changed so much than the girl I knew. You know that feeling when you see the person who used to love you and you used to love having fun with other people and openly flaunting that and basically sending me the message that she's moved on from me? Yeah... THAT feeling I got right after I got home and got to work tonight. 

I think I just need to live at the clubs and get lost in the music forever. That's the only thing really keeping me floating. Me and Chihiro...we are really the same in that regard... idol music is saving us now, but I'm not sure what I'll do when I'm not... as involved with idols as I am now. That day will come, and it's not something I want to think about right now. I just want to forget everything and sleep a little. And maybe wake up to money in my bank, or encouragement for my heart to get fixed and for me to move on. 

I'll go to sleep admiring the beautiful dancing and music I experienced tonight. Thank you Koyuki, Yuka, and Mishima san, for letting me experience such an imitation of the divine tonight. You are all so special to me.  

I wish I could be special for somebody right now too. 

"Itsuka, ne?"