When The Crashing Comes and You don't know who...

4AM is super dangerous for me. Mentally speaking. 

I spent Saturday basically taking chekis of idols. All fucking day. It was so much fun, despite being tired from only getting about two hours of sleep Friday night after Miyakos seitansai show. Two new groups joining Idol Underworld, one of which whose chekis are above in the image I posted for the header. Guess who they are?

I've loved Kaishin no Ichigeki for a long time. I remember seeing them at the very first Gyunou fest that I worked for Necroma, at Shin-Kiba. They crushed it, and had everybody just really into what they were doing, and waving that gigantic fucking flag they took with them everywhere... it was something I watched on Youtube over and over again over the following year. Just putting it on in the background and letting their music really hit me, since they are one of the rare idol groups with several insta-classics, their most notable being "Jellyfish," which is like their "Skulls in the Stars," if I can make the comparison to Necroma. Just super, super emotional, and all kinds of awesome. ALL Kinds. 

They were one of many, many groups from my idol past who we lost this year. I couldn't believe it... I had just attended their one-man live a few months back, and was so happy to have been invited to that, and then... they pretty much went on an onofficial hiatus. I got the real story as to why, finally, but I can't share it since it's super private, but now... they have re-formed as the glorious SQUALL, and already have like four songs that are super-instaclassics, AND they are performing old Kaishin Songs during their set, so all is not lost I suppose. I feel for Iris and Rino though, since they had to carry themselves through losing Ito, in particular, but now they have Meru (Miru? Sorry, I'm horrible with names), the Twin-Tail Hina Yotsuya look-alike who has as her charm points twin-tails, youth, and a whopper of a fucking voice! And Squall's producer was the very first producer to ever give me a CD, which was Kaishin no Ichigeki's first album, just as I was beginning to work for Necroma back in March of 2018.  And we've stayed cool with each other ever since.

So after I took chekis of the other group earlier in the day, I hustled over to Squall's show, which they were doing with Spark Speaker at Spark Speaker's kind of unofficial home at Shinjuku Fate, and when the show was done (I got there right as buppan was wrapping up), we walked to Shin-Okubo and found a park and took chekis there. I can't even begin to tell you how much God Damn fun that was... Iris had me nearly in tears laughing because she is so like... I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING, and went for every show doing super funny humor shit in them...but the thing is with her, I swear to GOD it's unintentional! She's like... funny-awkward, you know what I mean? I've known Iris now for awhile and we are super cool with each other, and I can talk to her almost without the idol boundary in place and just as a normal human being. She's fucking cool like that.

Rino is quiet... shy, but also kind of in her own world. She also is somebody I've known now for awhile but never talked much with her. Her English I think is better than most of the idols I've met, but I don't think she tries to whip that out much for anyone to hear. She'll be the first to tell you she is the worst at English, but I've heard her speak decent English before. 

Meru is the interesting one for me too.. she's SHARP. I mean, watch out boys. She is the don't take shit from anyone type, and also her character is kind of sullen and dark, but she's actually kind of funny too. She was playing the part of super idol with me, but then she would drop the idol formality shit and get all real with me during chekis, just saying shit that idols probably wouldn't want to say in front of somebody they just met for the first time. It was cool, because Kaishin is a group that I've loved forever as I've mentioned, but now I have a sense of comfort with the members. We got along well... I mean, I swear I almost wanted to ask if they all wanted to go get dinner (the idols and their producer, of course, not just the idols. Don't go there!). It was really comfortable. They might be a group I want to take to America or overseas someday. I want to, I mean. They are high on my list.

The reason mostly though is not even them... it's the music.  This is 4AM kind of music... peaceful, then suddenly tense, then a guitar comes crashing in that is heavy drenched with delay and reverb (Their producer writes everything himself and we actually talked recently to each other about our love of super drenched delay/reverb guitar parts), and doesn't let up, the girls crescendo with their voices and it's kind of like if you are into Yanamyu, you'll fucking be into Squall. Easy. 

For me, though, it's anything BUT easy. I'm listening to Squall's unreleased demo and it's heart-wrenching. Just unbelievably passionate and kind of exactly what my internal state is right now.

I keep feeling like... super tense lately, and then super sad and there hasn't been much release from these two feelings, except at shows that are really incredible to be at or film or just watch as a guest or regular fan. I mean... how do I really go forward? I have been fucking trying and trying and trying... and now I'm really getting to the point where I dunno what to do anymore. I really don't. Money is always an issue, of course, but it's like the one girl who made me happy I have been seeing unexpectedly a lot and then at the same time, I'm trying to meet new people with my limited time schedule to do so, and yeah... it's not easy, man. 

For example, one girl I talked to recently... she INSTANTLY rejected me because of my past and what I've done. I mean, instantly, not even trying to get to know me and who I am today. Fucking cold ass bitch. Honestly, fuck you if you are THAT judgmental! 

Anyway, I'm not trying to date again, you know? The last thing I want right now is probably another relationship that can disappear like my last one did, right out of the blue, without provocation that justifies what happened. 

I mean, I feel like I'm pretty close to breaking mentally. I've been this way since August, but... how much can you a person cry before that crying doesn't do anything for the soul? It doesn't cleanse, doesn't release, doesn't heal. It's just wet shit popping out of the corners of my eye sockets that carry nothing but memories I don't want to lose onto the ground... spilled, forgotten, reminding me that yeah, I can make new memories... but with ANOTHER... not with HER.

And it's not even that so much... I talked to my brother Dominic the other morning... the first time in a long time. It was so comforting, and then I realized... I'm so far from home. I thought Japan would be my home, I mean, I've always felt that way my whole life, even as a child, but here I am, fucking broken in a way that I've ONLY been broken before one other time in my life, and that was in St. Louis after I left my old band and tried to make sense of the only other girl I've ever loved in my life besides the one I just LOST. I am not equipped for this, and yeah, it sucks I take these posts to blah blah blah about this shit, and sorry to keep doing this, but it's a release for me lately. I really have no other release, except at shows, like I said, but it's hard to hide how much pain these shows bring me anymore... like, I know everybody there now, and I'm getting friendly with many people, but =......... still very, very alone, often, and wondering what I should do about it? 

I don't see my little girl either... but I won't even get into that. It's too complicated, and I don't feel like dragging the knife across my throat anymore than I already have thinking about this bullshit emptiness inside of me right now. 

Thank God for the idols. I mean that. I don't know what I would do right now if it weren't for moments like I had yesterday with Squall, having fun taking their chekis, and just laughing so much with idols and a producer who treats me with respect and like a human being and not like a piece of shit. And the group I worked with earlier in the day... they are pretty much managed by the one leader in the group, and she was super kind to me. She made very single girl in the group introduce themselves to me, which is funny since Necroma plays with this group at least two or three times a month I swear... but sadly, I've never had an occasion to say more than "Otsukare" to the members at those shows. Now I know them all and we've laughed and had good talks while I took their chekis... one of them even told me she went to Texas for a dance competition.. she told me her real name too, and why she did it was super sweet of her to do so... just... moments like that, you know? I can forget my bullshit and focus on living symbols of God's beauty in these creatures that are so sacred and important to so many. 

But again... what do I fucking do about me? 

Keep going. That's what I do. That's ALL I can do at this point. I don't have anything else in my life but the next day I have to work. That's about it. Maybe if I can finally find somebody to just lay down next to me again and help me feel that sense of human comfort, that will help me, but so far, that ain't happening. I will try my WANT magic and see if I can make it happen for me, and soon. 

And more immediate, I am taking cheki of a VERY VERY FAMOUS IDOL today! I'm so happy! I can't wait to finally talk with her a little more than the usual show greetings. And I get to see a good show today as well. Then it's back to packing orders for Idol underworld like I've been doing, and then catching up on emails and other extraneous shit that I need to do in order to keep things moving in what I hope is a right direction, even though lately, the only direction I feel like I've been moving is down, down, down.

Thank you all again. I'll be sending out the chekis too this week probably or next, those of you who are at that tier. I will also be going through the other tiers. Hope one of you decides to go big and help me do something else like an interview or a photobook. My GOD, the access I have now to all these groups...I can make all that happen really easily, and so, you know, let me know! If there is somebody you want me to work with, you can make that happen, and see your favorite idol or idol group get some much needed world exposure!