End of (these) Days

It's been a minute, hasn't it?

 So the last few weeks were a whirlwind of both happiness and shit all mixed together and slung at my face with the speed of a Nolan Ryan Fastball. 

I was able to secure some more interviews, including a very easy and fun interview with the members of Kiss Hug XOXO (Pictured above). Always lovely to be around the three of them. I didn't originally have them scheduled to be in the documentary as a group, as my focus was on Moe, their leader, but over the course of filming them and working with them, Ruri and Rin won me over with their charm and hard-work and overall sense of ease they have when I work with them. Ruri is fairly quiet, as is Rin, but sometimes you don't need to be a chatterbox with me to really make me feel like I can like you and work with you. Sometimes charm is enough.

I also was able to get (finally) Rei's interview from Necroma. That was shorter than I had hoped for, but we literally had to squeeze the interview in the other day at a show, due to scheduling conflicts. Rei got very emotional and very open about what I asked her, as is Rei when you get her to open up and talk (normally, she barely says two words unless you speak to her directly). I am grateful for this, but I really wish now I had more time to do a deep dive with her. But like I said, due to scheduling and various other reasons which I can't get into, that didn't happen.

For me, the big, huge, unbelievable acquisition I was able to get was Tanaka San of Bellring Girls Heart/ThereThereThere's/Migma Shelter/GGLL/Nilkly fame. Ricky hooked that up for me. He nailed the interview and did everything I could ask him to do for the interview, which was unbelievable that he took the time out of his busy schedule to make happen. I also have an additional segment with Tanaka San and Ricky kind of nerding out, talking about idol culture together. I probably am not going to use that though. We'll see if I can fit it in somehow, but really... Tanaka San.... this guy is responsible for so many idol groups getting their inspirations to even BE an idol group, or be an idol. Ricky formed Necroma because of Bellring! I mean... this guy is probably the most important person in the entire idol universe, right up there with Watanabe San from WACK and Pour Lui. And he was very gracious with his time, even though he was also sick and coughing up a storm the whole interview. Kawaiso. But I feel that he really understood what I was going after in terms of the point of this documentary. It is a rare, rare moment that I hope to not fuck up going into post now and doing edits, which I'm about to do here in a few weeks. Or so I hope.

Now the shit part...I am done with Necronomidol. Well... not DONE DONE, as in totally and completely cut off, but in terms of working with Necroma every week, going to shows and running their buppan, yeah... that's over for the time being. I also am not going to handle their international bookings and coordination at this point. There are many, many reasons why this has happened, but I think what it comes down to, for me, is not having enough time in the day to do everything I'm doing. I created Idol Underworld and didn't expect it to get this huge this fast, and I can't keep up with it all. So I need to get that reigned in and zero-focused on and then I want to expand it even further and make it THE place for all foreign fans to get their idol merchandise from overseas. I also want to make it THE place for Japanese fans to get their merchandise too, if they can't get stuff at shows or perhaps we can run exclusive deals and what not that the Japanese fans would buy into. So there's this and also my documentary, which for the next several months of my life, is going to require MASSIVE editing and work, given that I'm an amateur film guy with no help in terms of cameras and additional team members and I will need a professional to really come in and sort through the terabytes of footage I have at this point and pull out the best stuff to create a flowing narrative. It's going to take some hard work, to say the least, but if I have to lose whole days of my time due to a Necroma show happening (which on any given day there is a Necroma show, I'm basically fucked for time on that day and can't get much done, if anything at all), then this documentary will never be completed.

So that's the "official" reasons for my departure. Unofficially... well...  because I believe in Necroma still and want to support the girls, since I love them so much, I won't get into all the other things that lead up to this departure. But I will say this only: I put myself in a position with Necroma since March of 2018 to basically be whatever Necroma needed me to be, and I gave them blood, sweat and tears (all three literally) over the course of this time until now. I became a subordinate at times, despite helping Ricky out of friendship with him, and also I saw things and witnessed things that were incredibly difficult to deal with and still wrap my head around. I allowed myself to be a servant, when normally I am the one calling the shots and doing things I want to do and how I like to do them. And I did this because the idol world has a VERY specific way of doing things and behavior that's normally accepted in the west is NOT accepted even remotely here in Japan, and ESPECIALLY in the idol world. Sorry to be general in my comments but the point is that I took all this time to LEARN, and now... I'm ready, I think, to step out on my own, and it's been a long time coming. There is no ill will between me and Necroma. I still will work with Ricky and the girls in terms of Idol Underworld and possibly even the international tour help, if they need it. And also other things I'm doing here in Japan that will likely involve them, and of course, the documentary. But for now... that is over. 

It was the hardest thing in the world, seeing the girls yesterday for the last time, as they put on one of the best performances I think I've ever seen them do. At least in awhile. Sarnath was absolute insanity... the crowd was so passionate and so crazy (and so drunk, as many of them had been drinking all day at Shinji's birthday show)... it was hard to not want to cry and just run out of the venue. And when I did leave, I couldn't even look the girls in the eyes... I just felt like my head was going to explode. Like... I can't believe I won't be going to the store to buy the girls water and food at the next show, or filming their rehearsal, or setting up buppan and selling cheki tickets to the Necroma family (who, to many of their credit, showed me an ENORMOUS amount of love and respect yesterday, and even ran to catch me as I walked down the seedy back streets of Ikebukuro, to say goodbye to me and to give me hugs and show me how much they appreciated what I've done for them). It will be weird to think that I won't be dragging those god damn mics and the receiver cases onto the trains, scraping the shins of idiot passengers who don't get the fuck out of my way and think I'm not just going to plough over them (which fuck people here in Japan who think I SHOULD be the one to move out of their way... I've arm-checked so many assholes at this point here who think walking in the middle of the side-walk or standing right in front of the train doors when they open and NOT moving out of the way of incoming/oncoming passenger traffic is acceptable. It is NOT acceptable). It really, REALLY hurts to think I might not take another overseas trip with the group and meet all of the foreign fans again. I am worried that Ricky is going to have his hands really full without me... I am not trying to brag, but I did EVERYTHING for Necroma. Will they survive without me? Of course they will... that group has had more drama and problems than a fucking American Soap Opera, and they've come through it all. But I also think for them, the real question is going to be... is the image they have and try so very hard to control and maintain going to last? And more importantly... will they overcome the final hurdle in their existence, i.e., this sense of being a group that's been around a very long time and still does not have the kind of level of popularity and support that other groups do in their same position, and how to change this or get that "big break" and resonate and be important not just to overseas fans, but to Japanese fans as well? That's the part that hurts me too, but in a kind of deeper way... I want to be there with them when and if that ever happens, and I want to be part of the reason it happens. And now... I dunno. 

I think this won't be the complete end between me and Necroma. As I said, there is no ill will here, and it comes down to really differences in direction, to put it nicely and politically. But I'm not even going to lie... I'm really devastated. Emotionally, this year has been the hardest ever in my life. And I really feel like this last bit of shit slinging at my face has finally broken what was left inside of me, in terms of being able to handle everything happening to me. I have things I'm still doing, and things I'm still trying to do, and God knows the last thing I want right now is drama, so maybe in a way, this new development for me is not a bad thing? I still can go to shows, still have to anyway because of Idol Underworld, and also... my whole life, there's been a kind of internal compass guiding me to just do my own thing and not work with others like I have been with Necroma for so long. Just be myself, be my own person, and not depend on others. I think that's why writing was something I was given as a gift in life... because it requires nobody but myself to do. I mean, that's kind of true... I still have to experience things with other people so I have something to write about, right?

Thank you, all of you, as usual, for reading this far, if you're still with me. Again, I don't wish Necroma anything but success and peace and happiness. The members I am loyal to, so I don't want to say anything that I could say right now which would kind of paint things in a much different light, as to what I know, seen, and have experienced since 2017 with them. I think part of the idol world that works so well for what we do is the fantasy element. So it's better now to project the fantasy of the situation than the reality of the situation. Maybe someday that won't be the case. I think it all will depend, for me at least, on how things play out from this point.  And there is still work to be done. Lots of work.

Anyway, hope everybody is good and peaceful and happy. Um, once again, not trying to be THAT guy, but if you can help me out a little this month with some cash injections, that would be awesome. I really need your help now more than ever, since I'm now about to enter the editing phase of the documentary (Just need a few more interviews and behind the scenes footage, and I'm done with the shooting), and I also want to keep working with Idols. For example, I met with Yoneko the other day to take cheki of her for Idol Underworld, and I talked to her about doing a photobook. She wants to show her Harajuku-style fashion and also her general sense of wackiness in her overall appearance and how much she likes to really put out there an image that is... interesting to say the least lol. I had her meet Izumi san, the photographer who did Himari's photobook, and I think we could really do a fun photobook with her. So... I do have that tier on my Patreon page here... if anyone is interested in seeing Yoneko have her own photobook, I can make that happen now. And that would keep me in the groove again with these idols and also doing my own thing, which I've been doing so much of the past month with Idol Underworld's new additions and also my own documentary.... so please, anyone out there, want to help me out on this?

Oh, and other idols I'm thinking about approaching for a photobook (which I would do if any of you did that Patreon tier for any of these idols): Hanako San (that would be interesting, wouldn't it?), Nadecha from Yanamyu, Chirin, formerly of Gochasuto, Chihiro of Merry Bad End, Jinja of XTEEN, Mizuho, and Miku from Nanomoral. Oh, and I'm open to suggestions, of course, if there is anyone you want me to consider!

So for now, let me know your thoughts about everything. I love hearing from all of you. And now, I need your love more than ever... it's really, really been helping me. I feel happy when I see messages from so many of you. Thank you again for all the support and kindness. I think some of you by now will have received your chekis... let me know what you think of them? I hand-picked them all personally for each of you, and I hope you enjoy them!