you become a memory yourself.

It's been a minute. December is here, and that means Christmas will be happening soon, though here in Japan, it's really not that big of a deal. It's more like an excuse to line up for a ridiculously over-priced bucket of KFC and yeah... cute lights everywhere put on trees and buildings and everything you can possibly attach a light too. The Japanese never miss a chance to be "Kawaii." 

I'm listening to Capsule right now. I have been feeling nostalgic lately, reminding myself of what I first listened to with Japanese music prior to discovering Guso Drop and then jumping down the idol rabbit hole head first. I love Toshiko's amazing voice, her sense of vocal control, and yet... I don't know much at all about Toshiko. I read somewhere about her that she has a very "different" sort of personality... like she listened one time to her pet cat's heartbeat with a human doctor stethoscope. But outside of this... I didn't know her at all. This woman whose voice filled my ears for hundreds of hours of my life over the years and even now... I can't recall much about her except those dark glassy orb eyes and bright smile and bob blond haircut of hers. That's it.

I think that's why Idols are so awesome... you can actually get to KNOW them. Like, their troubles, tribulations, trials. I think if you are an idol and I can't meet you or know you anymore, then are you really an idol? Like... that communion is what is so special about this business. That sense of knowing you, at least the story you give me to know anyway. Whether that story is really the story of the idol's life is a whole other story to tell, ain't it? I can tell you from personal experience that some of the more famous idols that are famous with the foreign crowds are NOT the idols you would think they are. They are not who they say they are, I mean. They are much deeper, much complex, and in some cases, completely the opposite of what a fan sees onstage. I know, because I see the real them in the gakuya, and I hear stories. I've heard many of the past two years, and even seen with my own two eyeballs... idols can be much different creatures when nobody's shooting kecha at them.

For me, this is the hardest part. I worked for Necroma for almost two years. To the month now. I got to see the Necroma girls as they really are. I got to see Ricky as he really is, not the Ricky you all get to see. I have amassed a wealth of secrets and know things about the Necroma girls and about Ricky that if you all knew, it would make your head spin around more violently than Linda Blair's in the Exorcist. No fucking joke. And yet... what I know about Necroma is kind of par for the course in the idol world, with alot of these other idols groups that exist currently in the scene. From working with several groups now in the idol scene thanks to Idol Underworld, I've learned a few more things... like the most innocent looking girl in one group I work with, and the girl who I like the most in the group, the producer told me she is the most difficult idol to work with ever. She is truly MEHARA. She is somebody NOT to be fucked with, and has a sense of insanity about her that you wouldn't think is there, but if you look more closely at her Instagram and Tweets and the pictures she puts out... holy FUCK is this idol kind of twisted in an always smiling but holding a knife behind her back sort of way. It blew my mind to hear the producer tell me this. And yet... I can now kind of see it. I had recently taken cheki with her the other day to do a restock of her cheki at IU and yeah... she's on the edge. Like... the type of idol to push that edge to see how far she can push it. I really, really got that sense about her. And it made me like her even more in a way (since I am a bit of an extremist in terms of my likes and preferences with people and things and art). But to all of you... that's a face you might not really see. Ever. It would destroy her cute, loveable persona. Or would it?

It brings me back to Toshiko... how much do I really know these idols that I work with? About as much as I know about Toshiko, right? That's kind of ironic, I guess. 

Back to Necroma... last Saturday was my final time working with them in a weekly capacity at shows. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. It's not something I wanted. It really wasn't, but many things lead up to it. Idol Underworld has become rather busy and large, and it's only going to keep getting larger. In case you didn't see it, I snagged Pikarin. She is going to keep me busy, as already right out of the fucking gate I have to sell 100 copies of her photobook to prove to her management company I am able to pull enough fan support for her for them to give me all of her cds and other items and also do other things with me and give me other idols to work with. I like the challenge to this and am totally up for it, but yeah... trying to focus on this while losing entire days to selling cheki tickets for a few hours each night at a Necroma show (yet I have to be at the show all night even for that one hour or selling cheki tickets and other shit that goes on at lives)... it is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I am finishing up my documentary and that's going to be my full time concern... editing this massive beast of a documentary and finding a great narrative inside of what I have that will make everybody truly feel like they know the world I live in and am part of here. 

The question I have lately with the documentary is... should I insert myself into it, Michael Moore style? I feel like I know this subject inside and outside, but... should I be the voice you all hear? Or should I let the footage and the interviews speak for itself? Only recently did somebody suggest this to me and I thought it was a great suggestion but just am not sure. I still need a full story here... I have a lot of mini-stories, but how to piece it all together to make it a coherent flowing body of work? That's the part that I am struggling with now. But I'll get there. I know I will. It's just trying to find the path that gets me to the goal line with this... feels very far away still. It really does.

But yeah... Necroma took up a lot of my time, and stepping away was something that eventually was going to happen. But it goes deeper than just this. WAY deeper. I got too close, I think, to Ricky and the girls. Too close in the sense that it was hard to work with Ricky. Not the girls though.. I always enjoyed working with them, and they never were a problem for me. Not ever. I honestly can say the Necroma girls are the best in existence and deserve all our love and respect. They kept me going so many times when this shit got really hard. They are also pretty clutch. That last show I played, I remember XTEEN was also on that show and went before Necroma. They put on a HELL of a show, in terms of getting the crowd super amped and just pushing themselves on the stage. Then Ute Nyan was on after them, and she had the entire venue in the palm of her hands the entire set. She blew everybody the fuck away. And then Necroma came on the stage.

I love my girls for this reason... they made EVERYBODY look beyond smaller than them that night. No offense because I love XTEEN and UTE NYAN and the grind groups that played and all the other performers, but yeah... I saw Kaki sizing up everybody while watching the sets of the performers before they went on. I KNEW the Necroma girls were NOT going to let themselves get outdone by anyone, and sure enough, they had the fans going apeshit for them. Sarnath that night... HOLY FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING HELLL SHIT! That was INTENSE. At one point, Hima looked right at me and just ICED my heart. I teared up... that was my favorite song by Necroma... still is I mean, and it was the song that I heard first by Necroma and saw Hima first perform it at Rokumeikan a few years ago and that turned me into a Necroma fan. How fitting that it's also the song I heard at the last show I would help them all at. The fans too... they went so insane for Necroma. Lifting, chanting, yelling, and Necroma blew everybody away. They do this consistently too... they always come thru when it counts. 

I couldn't even look at the girls when I left that night. I had tears in my eyes. I don't know why, but I kind of expected them to say something to me on social media, or at least try to thank me for what I've done, but they didn't. I mean, they said thanks as I left, but not like... hey... thanks for two years of your life and doing so much for us. So far... nothing really. I mean, Michelle kind of said something nice about me in her Instagram when somebody asked her about me leaving (but she tempered it with a jab at my terrible Japanese. I thought that was funny though.. more of an inside joke between me and her), but... I dunno why the girls wouldn't do that? Then again, maybe that's me not totally "getting" this business... I'm just a staff person. I don't deserve any recognition. It's all about the idols. Right?

Me and Ricky have had our issues, and after the summer tour and certain things that happened on that tour, it put a gigantic riff in between us. I think that riff existed somewhat before the tour even. But strangely enough, despite this riff being there, I am happy that there is no bad blood between us due to this departure, but it definitely was him wanting it more than me. And that sucks, because I don't know how he's going to move forward without me. I did more for that group than any of you will ever know, and I'm proud of that, and I wanted to keep doing for that group because I love the Necroma girls deeply. And now... I've been sidelined to selling their merchandise on Idol Underworld and maybe a few other things here and there. But those weekly shows were my lifeblood. I loved being at venues and all the monotony of waiting that goes along with it. I loved seeing the fans and talking to them endlessly. I loved seeing new idols and old idols and chatting with them and also the staff. And now... that's all gone. My life for two years here has radically changed. And the worst part of it all is that I won't get to see the Necroma girls anymore. It's not like I'm going to go to a Necroma show... I can't. It would be waaaay to fucking weird and painful. And yet... I feel there are still many things I have left unsaid between me and the girls. Many things I need to tell them and want to discuss... but I can't now. And that's the most difficult thing of all here. I mean... me and Himari never did get a chance to even sit down and discuss the photobook. And that sucks, because out of all the girls in the group, I had been closest to her, at least in the beginning. We were cool with each other, and she told me things about herself that really made me want to make that photobook for her. And the things I know about her... it's like knowing those things make me worry so much about her, and care about her, you know?  I don't want to say goodbye to her, or to any of them, because I went all over the world with them, and shared many important memories in my life with them. 

So I don't know what's going to happen moving forward with them. I just hope that Ricky will have me back to help him. I am 100% sure that whoever he hires to replace me, if he hires anyone at all, will not care nowhere near as much as I did about the girls, and still do, and I'm a huge believer that you should never try to extinguish the passion of somebody who supports you. And that's exactly what he's done by not having me work with them anymore on a weekly basis. My passion for them can't burn as brightly as I want it too. And saying "Hey thanks for all the work you done, we're truly grateful" doesn't mean a single thing to me. Words rarely mean anything to me anymore... it's actions. What you do. How you show support...  because that's what I did... I didn't just talk about how much I loved Necroma. I put them on tours that I created for them. I negotiated a million different things for them, assuaged fans that were upset about the constant waiting that goes on with Necroma when it comes to their merchandise orders and even created Idol Underworld, in part, to help Ricky with this problem. I made a photobook for Hima that would showcase not only her perfect beauty but also that very difficult internal struggle she has in her life. I am preserving secrets so deep about the group that if anyone were to know them.... yeah... I am a person of action, and right now, I feel very much like I was hit over the head with a baseball bat and am just spinning around in a daze. 

Seriously, what the FUCK do I do now?

Like I said, there is no bad blood here, so don't get me wrong with everything I'm saying. I'm just really, really sad about the departure. It's not a departure I really wanted. I do think though it's something that was going to happen, eventually, as I said, so now I can focus on getting Idol Underworld to a place that it is profitable and also helpful to both idols here in Japan and the foreign fans who want a more of a safer and deeper connection to the idols here in Japan. And I need to finish my documentary and see what comes of that. But now... now I think I'm kind of wanting something else to pursue after these things are in place and done (well, the doc is done I mean. IU I want to keep going forever). I think I'm going to start my own idol group... I just need to get more of a handle on Japanese language first, and also I want to think about how to do it in a way that I can pour all of myself into that group. Because I poured all of myself into Necroma, and since they've decided to "go another direction", without me... then I have all this passion and nowhere to put it, in terms of an idol group, and I would feel weird doing it with an existing group since I am not a fan anymore and can't go back to being a fan (too weird and really icky to do once you're staff). So yeah... I might really head down that road as a creative soul and just do my own thing in the idol world. Because I don't know what else to do at this point. I really don't.

On a positive note, I think I figured out my visa situation. A company is hiring me to do computer work for them. I think if that gets approved, I won't have to worry about anything anymore, at least for awhile, in terms of the visa situation. I can work at my own pace with SEO and that is fucking awesome. So keep my fingers crossed in that sense. 

BUT the other issue I'm having is that loneliness that has crept up on me here in Tokyo. This past week hasn't been too lonely, surprisingly. I mean, some of the nights have been rather lonely, but I've had Marlon, my assistant, over all night packing orders with me a few nights this past week, and also, I've met somebody who I am talking to and she's been keeping me smiling lately. She's cool, really sweet, but... that is a whole other story. I mean... I don't know what's going to happen there. I'm STILL not quite over the girl I was with before. That girl meant everything to me, one of only two people in my entire life that I ever truly loved with all my soul and heart. She STILL very much haunts me. And I haven't ran into her lately. She's truly gone from my life, and that's a reality I still can't completely accept, because I really had a connection with her, even if it was fleeting, and not that long (well, two years is a long time, isn't it?). But it's like... how do I put it.... I'm still reminded of her in many things I'm doing in my life now. And that's hard. And also, it's not something I am still able to mentally deal with. I have breakdowns sometimes. I will see something and it will break me in half right there on the spot. Like I can't function afterwards. I'll talk to myself and have this pathetic soliloquy where I talk to her and try to work out the issues between us, but that is the problem... she's gone, doesn't want to talk to me, and has moved on. I'm fairly confident she's fucking somebody else now, and that hurts most of all, given that it was me who she used to fuck pretty regularly, and it was the best sex I've ever had. So how do you go from that to another girl? Do you try to find something else in that new girl that will help you forget this massive influential relationship right before her? Rebounds don't seem to work for me in this situation. 

The new girl is nice though. Really, really nice. I think something could be there. And yes, she did make me feel less lonely recently, but she has her own suitcase full of issues too. This is what I get for fucking around with girls who are super beautiful, or models, or famous. All of which I'm into now on a regular basis. But that's what I like, you know? I think that's why being around idols is helpful... it keeps me from falling for anyone too hard, since I can't do that with idols, so at least most of the time, I'm not chasing girls around. That simply is out of my mind with idols. But this girl I'm talking to... she's not a normal girl by any means, in terms of who she is and where she comes from and what she's done and who likes her. The problem is that I feel like if I do anything with her, that means I'm also moving on from my last girlfriend, and that means it's really, really over, and I keep having this fantasy in my head that she will come back someday. She'll show up one night and just fall asleep next to me on my bed, like she used to do sometimes. It was one of the sweetest things she used to do, though rarely did she ever do it. She would sometimes just come into the apartment and quietly creep into my bedroom and just stand at the doorway, watching me work, and then climb onto my bed and wrap her beautiful hands around me and surprise me, and then laugh and smile and talk to me. I would hug her before she could really tell me anything and I would hug her so fucking tightly she would laugh more and then hug me back and then lightly touch my shoulders with her thin fingers and that would crush me every time. It was not so much a light touch as an invitation to do more with her. And you better be damn sure that I did. LOTS more. She would usually shower and then we would drink and we would talk and talk but really, it was all just a prelude dance we did to fucking. Because I usually would just stop talking and kiss her and the moment she would start getting vocal with me even before I got to working on her body.. the clothes came off pretty fast after that, the lights got turned off, the music got turned up, and we were off to the races. And usually we went all night, several times, and then several times again in the morning, and if she was staying the next day, several times the next day too.

I fucking miss that so so much with her. It was the one thing we did really well, and now... can I do this with "new girl?" Will it feel as deep to me, or as important, or as special, as it was with HER? That is the scariest fucking thought in my head right now... going in a direction where I will, one day, have HER as just another memory in a life of many memories. That's all my life is lately... so many memories, both good and bad, and painful. Things that you can't escape, but things that as you get older like I am... you realize is what you ultimately are: A human flesh bag full of these watery, pulpy, moments that you relive over and over and over again in your head, until your heart stops beating, and then you become a memory yourself. 

Here's what is next for me, and feel free to help me, or just read this post and ignore me, or whatever the fuck. It's cool. I know all of you will do what you can for me. You always do. And I love all of you so much for it. But... this is what's up now:

-I want to make a photobook for Yoneko. She is really really into this idea and I gotta be honest... I have a very instant connection to her. She is SUPER easy to work with, and we just really get each other. I want to work a LOT more with her, and this is a good way to start. She has a crazy sense of fashion, and she's also not afraid to go deeper and push limits with her photographs... so I think I can really do something special for her. Anyone want to make her dream a reality?

-I want to make a photobook for Hanako San. I met with her the other night and pitched this idea to her and she seemed really into it. I think I can do something super special for her too. It wouldn't be on  a grand scale or anything like Hima's book, I imagine, but.. I think me and Hanako can really do something good together. I have her trust, and she has mine, and we work really well together. I've known her forever, so I feel I can get to her essence with the photobook and capture who she is. Again... anyone up for this?

-I want to make a photobook for Nadecha from yanamyu. This is a very personal dream of mine, so if this gets supported, it would be more for my personal happiness. I don't have that connect with my ex-kami-oshi, but I think I could make this happen. I will know more soon if this can happen later this week, but... this would be a HELL of a Christmas present for me, if anyone is down to support it. Let me know!

-I wanted to give Rei, Kaki, and Michelle photobooks but yeah... like I said, my passion for them is somewhat in a bind, since I can't do much for them anymore. I wish I could, but... that's up to them and to Ricky. I need to be let back into the fold for that to happen, I suppose, and who knows when and if that is going to happen?

-My documentary is almost done, but I want to get about three more interviews done. I need to rent rooms for this and pay a translator. I have to work with a new translator now, since Ann is going to be out of the country for awhile and essentially unavailable. That's going to cost me about 400 dollars all in. Anyone want to help me there?

-I need to put together a video trailer for the documentary and put up the Kickstarter. That I'm working on now. I will really need the Kickstarter to work or this documentary will not get made. I cannot pay a professional video editor without the money. I need a video editor.

-The most immediate thing I need is to pay for cloud storage and two more terabyte hard drives and a new PC. These three things I need desperately right now. I had looked into Degoo for cloud storage and paid for it but it is GOD awful slow to upload. I can't load more than one file at a time and it takes hours and sometimes days to do more than a few gigs. I also am about full again with my HDs and need extra ones to copy the footage on to give to a video editor. The PC would just be nice because I need to back up everything. I want to get a PC with a gigantic HD of like 8 or 9 terabytes if possible. I think they make PCS like that now right? I use ASUS RPOG PCS... but again, they are all super expensive so you know... it would be great to get at least the cloud storage. It's just that cloud storage is massively expensive... so I need some help there.

-that's it for now.  The big things I need. For this month, I might do a BTS video of working for IU and showing you what I do to process orders and things like that. If anyone is interested. I have some great chekis to share and ESPECIALLY a SECRET CHEKI to give out of an idol who NEVER does random chekis but I got her to agree to do them for IU but only in the random cheki section. They won't be listed to buy, but I can give out if people buy random chekis. So there is that.  And I am still looking for more ways to make this all valuable to YOU. But for now... the photobooks would be good to get started on. I am also thinking about doing a tour with some of the groups on IU for next year. I was tied to Necroma for touring but since that doesn't seem to be the case anymore, I am free to work with whoever I want, and I think taking Yoneko, Hanako, and maybe a few other groups... I would be open to that. Maybe a European tour. I dunno. I'm really trying to figure it out. But that's also later. The doc is first, and IU, and if any of you actually give me the Christmas gift of doing photobooks with the idols above.... then those would be my obligations.

And of course, trying to find personal happiness in the arms of a new woman. or maybe women. I dunno... dating isn't something that would be so bad, I guess, when I really think about it. But I haven't been able to do that since SHE left me. So... that remains to be seen if it will work for me or not. I was thinking about making a dating site here in Tokyo. I can code something like that in a night. Craigslist fucked me and everybody else when they took away the Personal section, and so I want to bring that back but in my own way... just not sure if anyone would give a fuck if I did this or not. Or if it would work to help me meet girls like I used to be able to do when Craigslist was up and active here in Tokyo for personal encounters of the sordid kind. I'm still thinking about doing that as a one off for fun, just to break also from all the idol stuff for a night. Thoughts? Should I code something out and make that happen? 

Anyway, I hope all of you are staying warm and happy and enjoying family in the holiday season here. My Christmas wish list is above, but really, I don't expect anything. I have learned the hard way that expecting things leads to misery. God damn did Buddha have it all figured out when he said to not be attached to anything. How very true, but how very sad and lonely of an existence that creates for those who follow that ascetic kind of thought pattern and life. I can't do that, I don't think. So yeah... share your lives with me, your loves, and I'll keep doing the same, but if you can help me with my needs now and if you are in the spirit of Christmas giving and believe in helping my vision play out, you know what to do. I look forward to hearing from all of you soon. And I'll be posting more again soon. I'm sure I will. 

Love ya. See ya.

D