Suxxk my dixx, Bixxx!!!!

I'll get to the reason for the title of this post in a moment. Trust me, it's funny!

Anyway, I haven't posted in awhile because I've been beyond busy with doing a million idol related activities. I figured now would be a good time to relate all these activities to you, my fellow supporters, since I want you to know what you are helping to make possible, since contributing to me here allows me a little breathing room in terms of financially trying to make it here in the "land of eating up all your money"... better known as Tokyo. 

It's weird... I have a very deep love/hate relationship with Tokyo, and I suppose, with Japan as a whole. There are so many contradictions to my feelings every single day. For example, I am surrounded by the most beautiful women on the planet... not even kidding. I have been all over the world and you simply cannot understand how so much beauty can be poured into some of the people who I see here everyday. And I'm not even talking about the idols I work with... I'm talking about the girl on the train, or the girl walking down the sidewalk, or the girl working at the bar in Shibuya Glad.  Just... your brain melts when you think about it. I met a girl working at a maid cafe the other day (I'll get to why I was at a maid cafe later... again, kind of a funny story), and like...this girl EASILY could have been a movie actress with her looks. Not in a hot model way... like a kawaii, cutesy Japanese girl sort of way, and when I told her she should try out to become an idol, she got all hazukashii on me and funny, but I was being serious... she would crush the idol world. I told her about a few groups that I know who are currently looking for members, and she took the information (I have to be careful that it's not seen as me scouting her, since that is not allowed at maid cafes and I'm idol staff, not a regular customer, so that puts me in a strange position in this regard), and she left with a huge smile on that million dollar face of hers. And I was thinking how fucking common this is for me to experience... it's every single day here in Japan.

Yet... at the same time, the opposite side of this is that there are times when I want to beat the living shit out of people here in Japan, including cute girls. For example, the cute girl who I see riding her bike towards me on the sidewalk, coming at me at 100MPH and dead on, not moving to the side, and expecting ME to move, when she's hogging up the entire sidewalk with her harley davidson fucking hog looking bicycle... and I literally have to sidestep into the side of a building to avoid getting plastered on the front of her bike handrails. She's cute... but I want to jump in the air and pull a Street Fighter side kick to her skull and tell her to fucking take that bike and ride right into the street and get pasted underneath a semi. This is also... an every single fucking day occurrence of mine. Running into idiots on bikes on the sidewalk, or just the walking idiot types who walk right into me because they aren't paying attention to where they are going, or they just stop randomly in the middle of walking someplace and I plough into their backs, or they just simply don't move out of the way and expect ME to move out of the way.
FUCK THESE PEOPLE TO DEATH. Seriously... it's my biggest pet peeve right now in this country. I literally almost get into fights every single day because of these assholes... and yes, that includes cute girls like I was talking about. They tend to be some of the worst offenders of this simple to understand social grace. 

Other contradictions exist here too, like how Tokyo is pretty fucking clean and people do take a lot of pride in making sure this sprawling metropolis stays fairly clear of rubbish everywhere and anywhere... but yet there are barely any garbage cans you can find ANYWHERE. You are expected to take your trash with you, even if it's heaps of it, and dispose of it... I guess at your house? Or like most of us do, in the bathroom of some train station or restaurant. Usually McDonalds or Burger King or Wendy's, since, you know, that is where all the foreigners eat, and so Japanese people probably just expect those places to be filthy shit holes, and they usually are (now... whether or not that has anything to do with the fact that this is where all foreigners eat... I'll let you decide when/if you ever come here lol). Anyway, I could go on, but you hopefully get my point... this place is both beautiful and awful all at once. I suppose it's like this for any country though, right? Every place has its good and bad things you can love and hate. At the end of the day, I'm really happy to be here. 

I think. 

Anyway, I said all of this to kind of preface that my life has become this very, very different thing than it was back in the States. And I'm not complaining by any means, but it's just that... I'm still trying to figure it out. How to find a way to live and breathe here. And how to make the idol thing work and work enough that I can find fulfillment and happiness in my life before my life comes to an end. Hopefully that won't happen for a long time. I still have a lot to do in this world.

Some stuff I did recently, by the way, included working at a Merry Bad End show in Shibuya last weekend. Chihiro couldn't make the show because she was sick, or something like that. Honami and Yuina had to figure out how to do all the songs by themselves. The set was super fast, thankfully, as this was another mega-taiban that MBE seems to like to play. But they somehow managed to make it work flawlessly. I tell you... these girls are just something else. I told them I was really proud of them... they felt they were not all that great, but that's just them being typically their humble selves... another reason I like working for these girls. Their cheki lines were not that great either, considering there weren't that many fans there, but one guy showed up who wasn't a fan initially but through Honami and Yuina fishing him during buppan, he decided to do a cheki with the girls. And to my surprise, he pulled out this whole portable light stand. I mean... this thing had a huge battery pack, a light that was so bright police could use it for a spotlight, and a remote control even that you can switch the light settings to be softer (thank GOD!), or even different hues, like red or blue. I mean... FUCKING PRO. We talked about this for awhile too after he did the cheki (well, technically it was a cheki... Merry Bad End gives out free photo cheki you can take with your phone if you are a first timer doing cheki with the group). He was super interesting... he takes his cheki time very seriously. And to me, this was an example of the otaku idol wota culture that I love so deeply... that this guy does what he can to make his time with his idols as perfect as possible by making sure the lighting is good enough and not the typical lighting you get from Instax Cameras and their shitty lighting settings. 

After the show, I had to head back to my house and do some editing for the documentary. I went through Burst Girl's very long interview, the very first interview I ever did for the documentary, with my translator. He walked me through everything that was said and I took notes and that took us until about 11PM. Then we hurried to the train station so I could get to Shin-Nakano, where I was going to spend the night with Satanic Punish. They were doing an all night photo session. I was there to take the new members cheki to put up on Idol underworld (very soon!) and also to do mini-interviews of each of the members so they could put those interviews up on, I guess, a channel or website or something? It was surprisingly a lot of fun, despite not having any sleep at this point for almost 20 plus hours, and it being so late. I met a cool photographer who I think I might work with on an upcoming photobook for Idol Underworld. Trying to think about that and what I want to do, but that's a thought for a later time.

The new members of Satanic Punish are fucking awesome. This group, I'm really not exaggerating where when I say this.... they could very well be the next big thing in idol. Each girl is super motivated and dedicated to Satanic Punish. Each has sacrificed themselves to making this group work, and they are all really anxious to get the debut underway. And each girls has a unique personality to them. I already feel like I know each of them in some way after this night of being around them. 

For example, the super young member, she is probably the most beautiful out of the group. Easily, I would say. She seemed very sullen, very much not a part of the group. She was sitting by herself a lot, and she is super quiet. I was thinking, "oh, here we go again... another unreal looking idol who is depressed....," but she turned out to not be like that AT ALL. She was just tired. I saw her getting along with the other girls really well later on in the night, laughing and joking with them, and she also is kind of  a ponkotsu character. Like Chihiro from MBE... just useless but in an adorable, fun loving way. This girl cracked her head on a low hanging chandelier inside of the photo studio and had us all in tears laughing when she did it, despite it looking rather painful. I asked her if she was okay... she just looked at me said, "Maybe." Too funny. 

Also, even funnier... I cracked my head on the chandelier, and so did Morisaki san, Satanic Punish's producer. So... maybe she isn't so ponkotsu after all.

I turned out to be the very first person to take her cheki. And to interview her on camera too. Do you know how crazy that is? I actually was the very first person to take cheki of several of the members (one of the members is actually the ex-member of a somewhat famous underground idol group... can't wait for you to meet her, since she's hysterical and so, so, so wonderfully weird with how she looks at the world and her overall personality), and their very first time on camera being filmed. They were all nervous, and so not sure what to do... but that's so special to see in idol, you know? I expect all these girls will have a super long lifespan in idol if they can make it with Satanic Punish. I think they will. I honestly do. 

So, the night came to a close and I thought I had lost my camera light stand and mic stand. I had packed it up in a bag and I couldn't find the bag at the studio. I sort of freaked out on Morisaki san and made him call the photographer, who had left earlier, and ask him if he had accidentally took my bag. He said he hadn't. I then asked Morisaki San to call the train lines I rode to get to the studio, in case I might have left the bag on one of the train lines. He did, but nobody said they had it. I was so depressed and Morisaki san and the girls caught onto my vibe, which I didn't want the girls to notice. It's not my job to upset them in any way, as that was my problem, not their own. Everybody was super sweet to me though, and Morisaki san was so concerned for me. 

Turns out I didn't bring the bag at all. It was in my bedroom on my bed. I saw it first thing when I got home. I told Morisaki San on the phone later that day, and he just said on the phone the following:

"........yeaaaaaah......"

TOO FUNNY. I mean, I'm an asshole for putting him through so much worry, but then I was 99% sure I had brought it with me! So... I guess I hallucinated this? Was I THAT tired? I felt so so bad. I have to make it up to the girls so I think next time I see them I will bring them a gift of some kind. I totally fumbled the ball there. But... I was seriously worried that I just had lost about 400 dollars worth of equipment. Meh. 

After me and Morisaki san went to Shinjuku station together, we ended up talking about a million things right there at the station. Just talking about the future, certain producers we both are worried about, and about a fan situation that Morisaki san had with the old members of Satanic Punish. This fan sexually harrassed one of the girls. He showed me the fans picture, and we were wondering what to do because this fan also is, unfortunately, for real, tied in with the Yakuza. So... we have to be careful about how to handle this fan. I told Morisaki san that I'll talk to him and let this guy know that if he does anything to hurt any of my girls, I'll fuck him up right there on the spot. Morisaki san is a big guy though himself, covered in tats like me, and kind of initimidating looking (until he opens his mouth and then you realize he's just a big old teddy bear!). I dunno though... I don't play around, and my serious stare has been known to wither people here in Japan. That's what I usually do when I have to squeeze my way into a packed train and when I push backwards to make sure people move for me, sometimes a brave soul will push me back in anger, and then I turn around, get right into their face, and tell them "Don't do it. Just don't do it," and stare into their souls, and they nod their head and apologize. Of course, I'm waiting for the time I do this and I get my ass beat by some Japanese dude who doesn't have the time or day for a stupid gaijin like me who thinks he's a lot taller than he actually is. But you get my point, right? I don't fuck around when it comes to those I love and protect. I just don't. 

After we spent all that time talking, I realized I had to rush off to 2&'s one man live. I had to record the concert, which was in Shimokitazawa. So off I went. And by this time, maybe I hadn't slept in about 30-40 hours?

I have no idea how I held that camera for two hours, but I did. I was right up front standing on a step-ladder, and yeah, experienced a one man live that was super emotional, very fun, and honestly, had me in tears at one point. There was a song towards the end that Saki chan played where the music cuts out, and she just screams into her hands, not into her mic, "TASUKETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

There are some moments in music that catch you off guard, moments that are so well written and brilliant that you have a hard time realizing a human could actually pull off something that perfect in nature. That moment when Saki did this was one of them. I literally felt the tears start rolling down my cheeks. Because right as she did this, the music kicked backed in, and she started screaming as loud as she could, "TASUKETE! TASUKETE! TASUKETE!" over and over again into the mic, and the fans lost their minds, and so did I. I mean, the whole live, Saki did 22 songs, was backflipping and front flipping around all over the stage (Saki later told me she took gymnastics when she was in school) and even pulled off playing some songs acoustically with a guitar in hand. And yet this moment... I'll never forget this as long as I live. It was soooooooo God Damn emotional for me to hear her say this, because I swear I say this every single day to God, who some days does decide to help me, and other days, says to me FUCK IT, YOU FIGURE IT OUT. But Saki had me in that moment. I really, really can't wait for all of you to see this when they put this out on DVD or Youtube or whatever Saki and her management team is going to decide what to do with this footage I shot. 

Side note: I have a super steady hand when shooting, and I was complimented for this, given that I didn't use a tripod and held the camera for TWO FUCKING HOURS. And I was doing this on no sleep for almost two days.

One thing that kind of took me by surprise though was  that Saki's staff support hadn't shown up until right before the doors opened. They also didn't seem like they were used to doing buppan at all. Nothing against either girl who showed up, as both of them were super nice, but I basically had to step in and run shit for Saki. I ended up forming a second line for the buppan, since the line was out the door practically (the place was PACKED), and cleared out everybody as fast as I could before I had to set up for shooting. And then after the live was over, I ran her cheki line and did that for I think about an hour and a half? It was so long that we had to go outside and finish her cheki line at the entrance to the venue, since another show was going to happen later that day (Saki's one man live was in the morning). But I made sure everybody got their cheki, and in most cases, people took two cheki with Saki, like a PIN cheki and 2 shot. It was so much fun to do the chekis too. I live for the Cheki line, as it  is what I do best, or so I'm told. Saki was a machine too... she had just did a two hour concert, never stopped talking or moving, and then did the cheki line that was endless for as long as she did, and after that, STILL took time for me to take cheki to fulfill orders for Idol Underworld, and talk to me about a few things I needed to talk to her about. Just... this girl is ridiculous and you can see why she's lasted as long as she has in the Idol World. And oh yeah... she made me cry. Unexpectedly. I am so happy I deprived myself of sleep for her. Seriously. Even though I was not coming to her live to do staff work and only for filming, I felt like me and Saki bonded pretty well during the cheki and buppan time, so I think I might work more for her in Japan if she wants me to do that. She was happy, I think, with me saving her ass from being completely disorganized. And I was happy to do it for her. She's earned the respect of all of us for everything she's done. So it was my great honor to do what I did for her.

Afterwards, I went home and died in my bed. Then got up, and started working all over again!

I did manage to take a day off though. A friend of mine visited me and we went to Akihabara. I took her to a maid cafe. She's never been to one before. I felt that would be absolutely hysterical to see, and it definitely did not disappoint me at all. Also, I have't been to a maid cafe probably in about three or four years, outside of the cafe that me and Ricky would go to and have business meetings, but that was like not a maid cafe in the moe kawaii sense... it was just a cafe with girls dressed up as maids, and there is a big difference. 

Though with this cafe, I found it interesting that every single person I saw come into the cafe was a foreigner. My friend is Japanese, and she was also amused by this. The maids were all very well spoken with their english that they had memorized and probably have said a million times to the gaijin that frequent their cafe. I used my Japanese with them, and they were super happy about that and complimented me, which made me feel good. Then I had met that one maid who I swear was cute enough to be an idol, and we talked with her for a long time. She kind of dropped the whole maid thing when we did that, and so she and the rest of the maids were treating me and my friend like normal, not as customers at a maid cafe. It was funny because we would be talking to the maids normally and then they would make my friend do the whole "MOE MOE KYUN" blessing on the food! So so so funny. But in Japan, as I've said before in a past post... IT IS ALL ABOUT THOSE ROLES YOU PLAY, YO!

After the maid cafe, I took my friend to Super Potato so I could nerd out looking for old vintage NES games, but I never buy anything when I come here. I just wanted to feel nostalgic and happy, since just being in Super Potato makes me feel really happy. I dunno why... it just does. I watch a lot of old school video game videos on Youtube while doing work, so maybe that was it? But my friend was amused by the fact that I turned into a little child walking through the super tiny rows between the stacks of games and machines at Super Potato. It was fun to just be there.

It was so cold outside with the wind raging hard in Akiba that we both decided to call it a night at that point, which was fine, since I had to work and also had to prepare for meeting a bunch of groups the next day. Before my friend left though, she asked me to teach her some English, since she speaks very little English. I decided to teach her how to be angry at people who don't move out of the way when you are walking and they are coming at you. So I taught her how to say, "SUCK MY DICK, BITCH!" It was SO fucking amusing because she said it all kawaii-like, with a cute inflection in the wrong place, and with a smile. She didn't do it with any anger (my friend is incapable of anger... she's the happiest person I know, next to Miku from Nanomoral). But I eventually taught her how to say it angry, but even then, when she said it, it was like she was in a movie and saying it as a scripted line and not very well at that. I guess you had to be there to hear it, but she totally got it... and then she couldn't stop laughing when I told her what that actually meant. Like what it implied and what the actual ACTION was that she would be telling somebody to do when she heard it. I told her the fact that she didn't have a dick makes it even more powerful and funny because she's a woman and she's saying that. You know... very Demi Moore in G.I. Jane. I guess for me, it was hysterical and a way to keep warm in the winter winds that were making us miserable.

 I just hope my friend doesn't decide to say this to a co-worker of hers at her workplace who might actually know English....hmmm. Maybe I should message her now and tell her to forget I taught her that? Looool.

The next day, I ended up going to Lilii Kaona and Bury's live for about two seconds the next day. I had to pay them both for Idol Underworld. Bury was very happy about their first month's results. Thank you, everybody who made their first month so successful! Also, had to give Mishima san a bunch of track jackets back since they hadn't sold. I was so bummed to do that, but maybe next time I guess. We made our usual promise to go out drinking together. I hope we can actually make that happen soon. 

I rushed over to Shibuya Glad to meet up with Nanomoral, Squall, and Odoro, so I can pay all of them and also I wanted to watch the live. It was an idol's birthday. I can't remember the group or the girl, but she was very nice and there were a TON of fucking people at the show. I mean, it was basically filled from the front of the stage to the back of the venue upstairs, right to the railing in front of the bar there in the back. I was so happy to see this.  I spoke a bit with Paceli chan from Nanomoral and also Miku, who told me to be careful going home since it was so cold and shitty outside. I also talked at length with Odoro's manager. She was wondering what I thought of the new 5 member system. I told her it was a total win for us idol fans... Odoro is like the incarnation of the There There There's, in terms of their sound and style and just how adorable they all are. Shirome is a fucking beast onstage, and her sister Kurome is also pretty incredible. I begged Odoro's producer to keep Kurome, since she right now I think is just a temporary fill-in. But I feel she could be so much more if she decides to stay on... she is easily one of the strongest members of Odoro on the stage.

It was SO nostalgic to hear them play... it's been so long since I have seen Odoro. I love them so much... they just capture idol in a way that i can't quite explain. And they had everybody in the venue enjoying their incredible and powerful sound. 

I think the night might have belonged to Squall though, who went early in the lineup. They crushed it. When they played Jellyfish, I teared up... and they were SO God damn loud in the venue that the wall I was leaning against was shaking from how thunderous the guitars and drums were in the venue. It was like... this is HOW IDOL SHOULD BE. Squall's producer, Leader san, he's a genius and a guitar player who understands mixing music... so of course they sounded massive. I can't wait for their one man live, which is tomorrow. It's going to be incredible. A great way to start off the weekend. I was just in fucking awe of them, and so was everybody else who watched their set. The whole venue was moved... you could just feel it. 

Nanomoral of course did their thing, and Miku had everybody smiling. All the members of Odoro and Squall were standing near me, watching Nanomoral, and really digging it. I talked to Meru chan from Squall afterwards and we were talking about how amazing Miku is. I also talked to Meru about their upcoming one man live. She was understandably nervous... it's her first ever one man live. She's super strong though, and her voice is incredible, one of the best in idol (right up there with Saya from Okinawa electric Girl and Nadecha from Yanamyu), and considering how young Meru chan is... I just... another idol who I think will be idol for a long time if she decides this life is for her. I hope she does. I hope I can work for her a long time too. And Squall as well... I have a feeling I'm going to be working with them as much as possible... I want to take them overseas so much. And I probably will. They are THAT good. 

But Nanomoral is very close to my heart. They always will be. I have so much footage of them in my documentary. I can't wait to share who they are as people... Miku and Paceli chan are so beloved by idols and by fans of idols... they capture perfectly the essence of the underground idol world. So I hope we can all appreciate them for as long as they are around and then some. They are truly special. 

And so here I am now... home, getting ready to process about 50 orders from Idol Underworld. Still lonely though somehow, as the loneliness always feels more deeper after I'm back from an idol live. That is where I feel most alive. I feel like I matter there. For example, while I was waiting for the live to start, I had a fan of Squall come up and talk to me and ask me for my picture, and we took a selfie together. I felt so humbled. Then, Final Fantasy Tactics (Not his real name, but that's what everybody calls him), Hina Yotsuyu's T.O., was at the show, and I hadn't heard him calling my name. He kept calling it until I looked over and there he was. I ran over and gave him a big hug, and then we caught up for a bit too. It was so good to see him there. He didn't have to say hi to me, but he did, and then I go home and think about this and wish I had more people to talk to that I could just bullshit about idols with. 

Or perhaps it's more than that...maybe I just need somebody to love? I mean, I still am hoping for a super cute, super short and slim Japanese girl to come into my life and not want to leave my life. But will this really solve my loneliness problem? Because people usually leave me in the end. People I really loved and cared about... so many have gone out of my life almost as fast as they entered it. And that's 100% my fault, in almost every case, because I don't really trust people... I never have, and often times I can be the person who you think you can trust and I'm not the person you can trust at all... simply because my idea of trust has been damaged since I was a kid. It's not excuse to hurt people, but it's something that's built into my DNA. I am about survival, and doing what I need to do to not feel like I want to die, and I'll do whatever is required to not feel that way. And I think I do a pretty good job of it, since I am working with idols and they make me very happy, despite being frustrated somewhat by the lack of marketing or understanding that some of these groups and their staff have when it comes to expanding their reach or just paying attention to people outside of the five people who attend their shows every week. But at the same time... like, over the past two years... I had to learn some very painful lessons about loyalty and about idols and about what it means to be in this business. I really have learned lessons that have taught me to never, ever, ever make the mistakes I've made (one which is a huge one) again. I won't, simply because I value my career and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I think that makes me want to die sometimes more than anything I am missing in my life. Such as hurting somebody I really cared about. Two people, in fact, who I really cared about deeply. I hurt them, but I learned from the experience... I'll never do what I did that hurt them both again. No matter how selfish I want to act or how much I want to do it... I won't. I can't. I have too much I need to do and too many people I want to help. And also... I don't want to give lovely 4chan netizens anymore bullshit to write about me lol. Just kidding about that... they can write all they want about me... I need more comics to read while I'm going to the bathroom!

So, final thoughts... 

First, I'm STILL hoping to hear from some of you regarding replacing the video tier here at my Patreon. What should I do? I really can't record video with the terrible upload speeds I have here in Japan. That sucks, but I just can't, so... do you have any other suggestions that I can actually implement? Please let me know. Like... I really want to give back to all of you something fun and valuable and worth your time... so please help me find something to replace the video tier by the end of this month! I need to reach my monthly goal of over 1,000 dollars coming into my life through Patreon, so if you can help me do that, I would greatly appreciate it. Let me know your thoughts... I welcome ALL suggestions you might have! 

Next, please consider letting the groups you know and love about Idol Underworld. Tell them that they need to work with me and to message me. THIS DOES WORK. It worked for me to get NON onto Idol Underworld and also Yoneko... so please do reach out to groups, okay?

Also, I'm still working on the sister website and getting some photobooks lined up. I'll be working on my birthday live here in Japan and who is going to be on it too. So please stay tuned for those announcements. And if you want me to do interviews or hold a live, let me know. I have a tier for that here at my Patreon, so if you want to do like a one time shot with that, please hit me up. I will tell you right now that my birthday live here is costing me 3,000 dollars... I don't have that money at this time, so if you can help me with this, that would be great. The show will be important, as it's going to be my way of getting all the Japanese fans on board to Idol Underworld. And I also might pull off something really crazy at that show... but we'll see if I can make it happen or not. I don't even want to say what I'm going to do in case I can't make it happen, but I'm working on it. 

And last... thank you. Again... it means so much to me, all of your support. I really can't do this kind of life without your constant feedback and contributions at Idol underworld and here, especially, at Patreon. I hope these stories from the Idol Underground inspire you to come on board with what I'm doing and with idols in general. Find an idol or idol group you love and go support the shit out of her/them! Okay? And then tell me about it! 

Much love. And more to come! Your random chekis will be in the mail coming soon!

Derek