PATREON EXCLUSIVE: The Impact Of A Toxic Father On A Boy's Development

You are pretty interesting with your view. I kind of get into psychology and philosophy. Evolutionary biological psychology is pretty interesting. I noticed mainstream psychology misses the point. Having a good Dad role model is lacking today unfortunately. You work on developing the best person you can be and ignore the critics that don't benefit you.

Im a 31 y old male whos father died in war when i was only 2 years old. Never got to experience that bond with another male. My mother never even tried to find anyone after that. I missed out on everything that should make me a better man and i struggled with everything ranging from drug and alcohol abuse, unable to do my job properly, choosing poor quality women, unable to commit to anything longterm and i always felt like i have excess feminine energy about me and i hated it. Still to this day sometimes i get angry at him and jealous cause he got to fulfill his duty and it was such an obvious choice to do as a man in that situation. In other hand im having trouble to forgive him and move on cause i always wonder how would my life, our life be if he just moved out of the country when the war started. Worst of all our people get to win the war and gain independence but the corrupted politics fucked us over that im shame to be the same nationality as them politicians. Makes me feel he wasted his life for nothing in the end...

You are vindicated!

That's great. You want to build on and better what your father gave you, so you'll be an even better father.

I really liked the comment of the person who wrote about -Receiving the paternal love of God-. That is the true answer. All other things in the natural order have that beginning.

Heartfelt thanks for putting in place the final piece in the puzzle.

Thanx man, I needed this video many years ago. But it is still very valuable. I am raised by a narcistic father who loved shaming us in public. Yes this did result in me being disgusted by the male energy and I developed a very female side because of it. It didn't help either that my mother is very codependent. It was incredibly hard for me to develope as a man. I also have been looking for my male role models outside and they were Indeed the same type of guys. The sad thing is that these fathers set their sons lives so far back. On the other hand it made me a truly selfmade man.

Hey Alex, just wanted to say thank you for these videos. I wasn't expecting to get emotional while listening... But I've found myself in many things that were said. Honestly, I tried talking about this with lots of people, but this is the first time I've felt understood, and I maybe understood myself a bit more. Especially the ending... Alex you seem like a great guy, thank you. I'd love to listen to more similar topics.

Thanks Alexander. I just became a supporter on Patreon. I am 54 years old, getting divorced but still raising a son (16) and daughter (13). Despite my marital situation, my kids are thriving and enjoying the benefits of my love and support. My father, now deceased, was a bit of a bully, like my soon-to-be ex. Watching this video made my day...I feel vindicated. I think you will make an excellent dad someday.

This one was beautiful alex

Thanks Alexander, this was a really helpful video. The father wound is real for so many of us, but it can be healed. Receiving the fatherly love of God has been the starting place for me. And the love and validation of other men has helped offset the lack of fatherly affection in my life. And yes the women in our lives can love of us to a degree, but they were designed to lean on us for strength in the middle of their storms and they will not fully understand the performance burdens of being a man. Brothers, we need each other!

Don’t know my father and lots of other things. I feel everyone is partly trapped in their destiny with (the lack of) certain experiences in childhood. Maybe it is a shame that science could not yet unleash us from this chain that our own brain embodies. Who is our (absent) father? Essentially just water, mostly. Why are we so incredibly dumb to change our behavior because of a water bucket? While cleaning we don’t mind flushing it away... Ofc I know the evolutionist reasons. But I question if humanity need to comply with those chains. We can edit our own genome now. We maybe will be able to alter our brain. Maybe we destroy humanity with this power. But maybe before that a few people can really escape their chains with help of advanced brain science related stuff. There are so many organisms (humans/animals) that carry unconscious concepts that trigger pain. Cows want to walk even though in today’s world they just need to stand to survive (until they land on the plate). Social media and everything is targeting our instincts. The world seems crazily controlled by our evolutional blueprints. And if they would not be there I would not know if we would even value it. If we could alter blueprints, I wonder which committee should decide which blueprints to discard? Argh I’m drifting off. Seemingly you triggered something with me as well. Thank you for this video.

Thank you so much for the video. I actually teared up so much near the end. I never had a father growing up really and you were right. I sought it in strong men around me and it was never the same. Now I’m a father - a single father with my 6 and 7 year old sons full time. I try to pass on all the skills and lessons I had to learn on my own and it makes me feel so thankful to be able to do that for them. And thankful for the few father like figures that I stumbled across in my darkest hours. I strive to be that person for other men now, as well.

Alexander, I'm just wondering, what kind of parents have you had ?

Mario Veca

Interesting topic. Brings to mind that old Mark Twain story about leaving home in his teens mainly because he thought his Father was ignorant. Years later, as I think his tale of Huckleberry Finn was based upon, he returns home only to find his Father had matured so much while he was away. I agree that parental relationships are important especially the father/son dynamic, Sometimes, you must agree that there is no model relationship, and through the trials and tribulations of conflict one rises to be a better person? Definitely agree with one's viewpoint is the most important. And of course, it is always in conflict of w how other's view you,

Never knew something could love his job this much.

Thanks man I really needed to hear this in my life. My father abandoned me and my mother when I was 4 years old then 3 years later my mother presented me my stepfather. I used to have a lot of illusion of finally having a father and I always tried to impress him and having his validation. But he never gave me anything only financial support. Now I am 21 years old and I cant intimate with him because I am resented he didn't give that masculine father role model. I am doing great and I don't want his approval no more neither of my biological father. But man this hit me harder. I am truly grateful for this video Alexander I wish I have more money to support you but I still in college. I promise that I'll a great masculine father figure to my children in the future.

I am one who had to learn masculinity for myself. It has been very hard and a life-long process. I can claim success, at great, great effort.

Thanks for this great video, Alexander !

If you try that with a high quality woman she will dump you so fast

Alexander Grace

Hey Alex, after watching your videos it make me feel like narcissism is a way to communicate with woman. This reason is that narcissism shows confidence and helps you stay dominant. Of course the dark side of it is shifting blame to them or to other causes, but woman do this as well. Would this make her feel like your the alpha male? This is just a theory and I will like to see what people think?

what about your father? did you have a good one?

Alex, your points ticked a lot of boxes for me personally, including that I used to feel like a fraud of a man going through life without most of those skills that ideally we'd learn from our dads.

Blair

Excellent contribution, thanks!

Blair

Beautiful video Alexander. ‘I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.’ - S. Freud

Oliver

My father is essentially a good man but has failed in some regard to embody or pass on many positive masculine characteristics. I believe that a lot of the difficulty he had in this regard stems from his very negative experiences with his own father and from that perspective I can certainly appreciate how much of an improvement he succeeded in making with his own sons. I think that most men can relate to this idea of inherited masculity. I believe that building upon what you inherited and forging your own definition of masculinity is both one of the most challenging and fulfilling things a man can do. I notice that in a lot of ways I have developed my own ideal man to aspire to become. Sort of a combination of the truly positive aspects I've learned from the men around me and throughout history as well as my own masculine instincts. My truest sympathies for the guys who didn't have good fathers in their lives and my best wishes for those guys who are dedicated to being great fathers.

Steven

God the father has loved us so much that he sent his one and only son Jesus Christ to die for our sins. If you believe in him Jesus promises that he will not leave you as orphans and God will adopt to you into his family. Only the supernatural power of Almighty God can heal your broken heart and the void inside it. I’ve tried to fill my father wounds with other males, drugs and alcohol. But my heart was healed when Jesus came into my life and showed me His wonderful love for me.

Alexander, Thank you so much for sharing that with us! Even as a woman I found this discussion useful and encouraging. This is one of my favorite videos you've ever made.

Jennifer Coopman

Can you do the impact of toxic older siblings on a girl's developement please ?

Hi Alex, could you make a video on the impact of a toxic father on a girl’s development some time?

Thanks. I am 54, I would have needed your channel like 40 years ago, I am still struggling with shame because I don’t achieved much in life. Kids are the best though. I got three kids and I really want to be a good father. Mine was kind of absent, tough we did things together, but I never learned anything about life from him, he was very quiet and mostly shared complaints about how bad things are. I can not pick up a conversation with him about it, because he passed away 6 years ago.

I had a good relationship with my father though he was an alcoholic and a bad role model. I’m watching this from a different perspective. My gf is a widow so her 4 old son does not have a father (alive). Helps me understand what I can do to be a male role model.

Andy

Very emotional video for me. My father was always around and overall a pretty decent guy. But we didn't really bond as men. He was doing his thing, I was doing mine. His views of the world are pretty limited. He has some deep insecurity that makes him virtually unable to admit being wrong on anything. So he never learnt anything of value. Absolutely no wisdom. He still has good values but he didn't teach me much about masculinity or anything that could give me an edge in this world. I didn't realize it until I was exposed to people who had had a good relationship with their father while growing up.

What a wholesome video! Love the ending, definitely made my day.

great video! I think I'm quite lucky as my father wasn't really abusive and he worked always hard. We just don't understand each other I think. Looking back on my childhood, I preferred to be on my own (i still do) while he is more extraverted and prefers to make contact. He is also a bit emotional as in he gets easily angry or would shed a tear while I'm rather the opposite. I sometimes try to have some deeper conversations but it seems to be a bit unusual for him because he says something like "hmm deep stuff suddenly" so it kinda discourages me to have them more often. I have them with my mom though as we are more similar. Since I moved out (8 years ago) and started my own life he has the need to know everything I do so he follows me on social media and follows some random friends and texts me often random stuff. Probably to just make contact but it's usually not something to start a conversation about. I already said to him a few times that it works the opposite for me when someone tries to start conversations like that but nothing really changes. He will get a dog within a year though so perhaps that changes it a bit. It is one of the reasons though why I look for personal development outside of my family and appreciate channels like this or Jordan Peterson. I think it's good to have external views on how to approach things in life.

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And perhaps learn a bit more about their lives within school. My father tended to be very iron focused on my grades and how I performed at playing baseball

I am very lucky to have a father who I admire in many ways. He wasn’t perfect, he has anger issues and can be somewhat rigid. But I admire his wisdom and the way he looks at the world. I take his advice very seriously, even if I don’t entirely agree with it. I want to be similar to my father in many ways when raising a child, with less anger and perhaps a sl

Thank you, Alexander. What you described here fits my situation to a tee: the drunk, abusive, neglectful, un-self-aware father who completely failed in his professional life and personal life. He had plenty of opportunity to do something smarter, but he didn't. He was, and is, nothing but a burden to himself and everyone around him. It's been such a struggle to understand what it means to be a decent man and get somewhere near embodying that. But boy has observing his bullshit as a child put a fire under my ass to be better than him... and I'm getting there. My work life is headed in a great direction and hopefully, in a few years, I'll have met a good woman and had my first child. The future is bright. Thanks for your insights on situations like mine. All the best.

"Be the kind of man, whose approval means something." Like that.

rumlyne

I'm so happy for you! I'm sure it wasn't easy, you should be very proud of your accomplishment. Enjoy the rewards of your new life, sounds like you thoroughly earned them :D

Alexander Grace

I'm one of those men. My father is an idiot narcissist slob who bleats non stop about his feelings. It's only recently that I decided *I* was my father now, and, incidentally - my mother as well. No one was coming to help me, and it was up to me to decide who I wanted in my life. Correspondingly, I ditched my narc wife and threw all my user friends into the chasm and got on with my own life. Big dividends are now paying, with extreme confidence and the most amazing new partner who loves me so so so much, I'm blown away. Sooo much time wasted. Stop tolerating rubbish people and go fix your own life - no one is going to help you.

The video that I had been waiting for! Thank you so much!

Your videos are getting more amazing with every passing day! Incredible value Alex!