PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Is Attraction Instantaneous?

A question I have is what do we do about these attractions? If you like a particular type of look because of what you think it symbolizes how do you get over this or how do you broaden your attractions? This doesn't just have to stop at appearance but also particular style choices someone makes that you think gives you insight into who someone is as a person. Like a girl who dresses in stylish clothing and you think she's reckless with money and shallow but if you got to know her maybe you would find out she makes most of her own clothes and wears the same outfit a lot and doesn't really enjoy shopping. I've seen many couples who said that while they were attracted to their partner physically when they first saw them their style made them think negatively about their personality or character. Like one man I watched thought his wife was stuck up because of the way she was walking and the type of outfit she was wearing. But when they started talking he realized he was wrong about her they became more attracted to each other and now are in a 10+ year relationship, married with two kids. So this fantasy projection thing is dangerous because we might not give someone a chance because of our initial prejudice and them not fitting how we think our ideal type dresses like or the negative assumptions we have about what certain people are like based on what they're dressed like. Is it even possible to broaden your type? Is it possible to not have a type? Since some people have been with partners who look and act a lot different than each other. How can we become more open minded like those people?

Thats the scary part. Most young people don't understand this. So they waste their time getting into relationships with people based on assumptions instead of looking at the pros and cons and thinking critically about if they are projecting onto this person. The other danger is if you sense someone is projecting onto you it's often times hard to know what to do about that. Sometimes they will even try to change you into becoming their dream guy or girl. This is why it's often times smarter to meet someone through your friend group or acquaintances because then you have friends who have history with you both who know what this person is really like and they can advise you. Even after this it's better to take things slow and really get to the know the person and not get too excited be realistic always.

Move

I really needed to hear this one. Exactly where i've been with the 'perfect' woman I met out of the blue & near dropped dead in awe on the spot. Since she's near driven me to hell in every way possible! Even though i broke ways from her just before new year i still think of her near every single day & haven't taken an advances from other women as 'i'm 'betyraying' her while she's having sex elsewhere! What a bloody idiot I am....& the worst thing is she lives right behind me so it's really hard to put her completely out of my mind even though we haven't been talking for around 5 months now.

Had this happen recently in a relationship - the euphoria I felt when we connected and were together was electric, and the feelings were powerful; uncanny. We went with it, but the truth was it was completely false and after two weeks or so it ended unceremoniously for the better. I've learned when I have the feeling that this is perfect and it's the most wonderful person in the world - be suspicious, be very suspicious, Also appreciate the concept of not attempting to find someone who meets every single checkbox on your list of desires in a mate; find someone high quality who meets the most important ones and accept them for who they are.

Kenticus

Good video. I can relate to being hesitant to letting go of the fantasy. It takes a while to learn to recognize that what I saw in my head was not who she was in reality. This is no indictment on her in any way, she was still a good person and I wish her the best. Just maybe not for me. However one thing I will say is that although we have these triggers in our head that facilitate attachment which can lead us to making mistakes, I wouldn't consider it a bad thing universally. Even now in retrospect, I can see that those triggers would've made me more willing to work for that relationship. Obviously always we need to vet and develop a functional love life as a healthy person, but that initial fire is not always present with all compatible people. It's not a bad thing to chase when you want to run.

I recently got out of a long and really unhealthy relationship that lasted way too long because of the reasons in this video. This video helps, thanks.

Slava Zelensky

Act on your instincts man, that's how it starts. The Keyword being "starts". After is starts, see where it goes. Ultimately an LTR will start the same way.

Ashwin Srinivas

Very apt video for April 1 since love at first sight can turn out to be the most costly April Fool's Joke anyone can experience.

Daniel L Chin

100% agree with everything. And it’s fascinating to acknowledge what attracts us and to notice if there are any changes over time as we learn more and build different associations in our minds. For example, when I was young I never was visually attracted to men with a hairy chest. The association in my brain was “sweaty and dirty.” But, my husband is very hairy and after experiencing it multiple times in very... pleasant... situations, I now have a complete reversal. E.g. At the beach I find myself noticing hairy chested men and am more likely to pay attention to one, even with a little beer belly versus a bare chested man with defined abs because in my head I think “masculine, virile, texturally amazing.” Other things have stayed the same over time though like loving blue eyes, dark hair, facial hair, and men who dress casually and don’t flaunt their income. Of course, my husband ticks all those boxes except the dark hair one so they’ve just been positively reinforced over time.

Hmm. I wonder if all I feel is lust and infatuation and thus I shouldn't date at all because I won't really love any woman I date.

ActOnInstinct

I totally agree with this. I think that sometimes in that infatuation state we project fantasies and ideals onto that person and if you ended up in a long-term relationship with that person... over time this infatuation wears off and that person isn't the person you expected them or wanted them to be. It is best to love someone without the infatuation. Some people might be lucky to experience both xxx

Alisha

Here's for helping people with their research: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkHlnWFnA0c

Rickard Fors

Wow this strikes really hard with my personal experience. As the video was going on I made a connection to one of his older videos talking about the psychology of fetishes (specifically about large breasts fetish) and how personal psychology relates to evolution and I want to take this one step further. I think the existence of this phenomenon can be explained by evolution. A single case cannot be explained and everyone sort of has thier own cues that they personally look for. But diversity is really important in evolution since if everyone else wanted the same type of girl we would just all be fighting for a small group of the population but since we are diverse everyone can find a partner they are happy with without butting heads too much and I think evolution positively selected for it. I know hypergamy in women is a thing but I also think that there is a diversity of preferences in them to a certain extent also. They may want the top guy but the top guy for them is different than for other women.

Tomer Shamay

A good way to summarize this video is that infatuation does NOT mean love and it could be insidious. As per AG's definition of infatuation, everyone has a template of the their ideal significant other molded over the course of their lives and the moment anyone fits into that template, even roughly, green lights start lighting up and I said insidious because, as AG, pointed out, you could have strong tendencies to disregard template discrepancies. And these discrepancies could very well be huge red flags but you're riding off the high of infatuation and projecting good things onto them. But I agree, that "love" is a strong word and is something that is built over time. Infatuation, on the other hand could be at first sight. Ignore Insidious Infatuation!!!

Ashwin Srinivas

Insightful video wow