PATREON EXCLUSIVE: What Emotions Are You Meant To Feel In A Relationship

I agree. I'm guessing that Alex means it would be concerning if a couple never disagreed or argued. But "fighting" has a connotation of explosive emotions, and I don't think it's indicative of a problem if a couple never lets a disagreement or an argument turn into a 'fight'.

Blair

Hi Alex. This is the second video where you say "not fighting is a red flag". I disagree on this one. I am not sure what your definition of a fight is but I picture it as becoming angry, using different ton, words if not yelling at each other. This almost never happens in my relationship, we are both mature enough to understand that yelling at each other isn't gonna allow us to progress on the disagreement. If one person starts to get emotional, the other one just backs up for a bit and then we discuss calmly later on. I don't think fights are a positive thing in a relationship and when you achieve the ultimate "comfort" that you are mentioning there is no purpose in fighting.

The nexus of comfort, safety & excitement symbolically reminds me a bit of an artist's final works. Many of the their early works, side jobs, failures, tests and so fourth aren't recognized but are something like stepping stones for latter beautiful pieces widely recognized. Out of something chaotic, i.e. random pigments thrown onto a canvas, tamed by something orderly - the artist's brush and muscle, and tempered through time, trails and error. Some painters use oil, and other use water color. Some, in fact, sculpt clay. It's hard to explain the steps to becoming a renowned and accomplished artist because of the variance, but I think generally speaking we all can recognized the quality of the end product by merely gazing and pondering a great work of art.

Bryan

i think a lot of people failed to communicate adultly and always mix feelings during heated moment, the one thing to cool yourself down and be rational is to just say. ''i understand [where you come from], but i feel [things that you did that can be improved] but you dont want to come off as emotional either, so speak succintly

Great video. The concepts Alexander are not really different from the pickup and the dating phases. Being a mystery or a puzzle to solve is important at every stage. It's the application that becomes tricky. The problem, as Alexander put it, is when you're deep in a relationship and you already know most everything about the other person, how do you continue to discover things about each other that maintains your partner's fascination in you or vice versa? This is one of very few examples of content that addresses that question in practical fashion. Thanks Alexander.

Todd McDaniels

Fantastic video!!! Thank you for this, Alexander. This gave me a lot of clarity on what that "middle ground" should look and feel like. I haven't been able to find an answer anywhere close to this anywhere else. Thank you thank you thank you.

I think there is an element of narcissism more prevalent in modern relationships but I think it is much more than that. I think it is more of an ADHD thing. I installed this app called bumble and it has a dating version and a friend version and I wanted the friend version when I was at uni to meet similar people. I downloaded because lots of my friends use bumble the dating app and like it so I thought why not give the friend version of the app a shot. I enjoyed the first day but after that I felt so anxious and on edge like I had never felt in my life. I told my man about it and my friends and they didn't get it. I said it was sooo overwhelming, how do they keep up with this? I think they do have the same anxiety but they just don't even realise it or their brain adapts. Then normal dating becomes boring. I think people can snap back and adapt to the "old way" of meeting someone too. The world has so many options nowadays and it is a lot. But the fantasies are also a problem too xxx

Alisha

That is strange, two people interested in NPD. I think it is a complicated issue. What exactly would you even want to know about it since you already have experience with someone like that? Do you want to know how to avoid them? How to deal with one? What creates one? I think if you want him to do a video on NPD then you would need to specify what it is you want to know because NPD is a huge thing to cover. You ever watched any Dr Ramani videos? She is really good with personality disorder content. Glad to hear you are out of that bad situation though! Hopefully you are doing better xxx

Alisha

Yet another top quality video from Alexander. I’m pretty sure my ex wife has narcissistic personality disorder which is different from everyday narcissistic traits. Only when I truly understood this and matched it to a pattern of behaviours could I break free. I wonder if Alexander is planning to do a video on NPD.

Andy

Fantastic content. It took me 40 years and rock bottom to understand these concepts. I would encourage anybody in their early 20's to make sure they understand, practice and share these ideas with their friends. As was alluded to in the beginning of the video, modern society has deluded us into thinking that the "fairy tale" is reality. Social media is the worst offender by far. Everyone thinks they see peers enjoying a blissful, easy going relationship when that is never the reality. And when issues arise no one wants to put in the hard work to fix it. I feel that much of what Alexander says in his videos describes the concepts of narcissism though I only recall him naming this affliction a few times. I believe that it's the core problem with the shallow, short and desperate relationships that characterize so many people's lives today. I'd love to get a video from Alexander talking about the issues of narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder in particular) A deep discussion of it's presentation, effects and skills for observing and avoiding these types of people in our lives. Thanks for your hard work!

I think luck plays such a huge role in life but people are scared to acknowledge it because life feels safer when we convince ourselves of our control

Alexander Grace

There are people who have what I would call a relationship personality. They find it easy and preferable to identify in a relationship and would find it odd not to think from a "we" perspective. When these people find another like themselves to be in a relationship, things can work out as described in this video. But... there are very, very few actual people in this world who fit this personality. I would love to think that effort, skill and perseverance could create the sort of relationship being discussed here - and certainly those things are necessary - but in the end the determining factor is luck. Just luck. Of course, be as prepared as you can be to take advantage of whatever luck comes your way. But never believe your success or failure was due to your work or genius. Humbly acknowledge: I was lucky.

Agree 100% with everything. Yes extreme lust/passion goes down but it does not go away entirely. And you add that comfort/safety as you said. And things like… when your partner smiles in a way that’s just for you and you feel it in your gut. You gravitate to each other walking and hold hands and that automatic connection makes you smile. You sleep next to eachother, feel that skin against skin, breathe each other in and feel at peace. And yes, you fight. You talk things through. You compromise. You learn, grow, fail, try again, and again. It’s sometimes hard, and chaotic but a glorious thing when you work on growing together in a healthy way.

Yeah this is spot on or at least in my case. The comfort isn't a boring feeling, it is a content feeling, like being at peace. It is the same feeling with being around a best friend that you fully trust and where you can say anything and you won't be judged. Although... obviously there is a sexual element in a relationship (in most cases) xxx

Alisha

this is one of your best