thehardtimes

Hard Digest January 9: Wildfires, Early Access Vegans, Radiohead, Hippies, and More

Added 2025-01-10 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

Biden Takes Immediate Action On Los Angeles Wildfires By Sending New Weapons Package to Israel

WASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons package to Israel.

“Listen Jack, what’s happening in the beautiful city of Los Angeles right now is devastating. I remember the first time I visited LA. I was 26 and I met this really cool cat named Charlie down by the PCH but that’s a story for a different day. We need to focus on helping the people of Los Angeles recover, and to do that properly we need to make sure Israel can defend itself,” said Biden after the funeral service for former president Jimmy Carter. “If this fire continues to grow it could hop the Pacific Ocean, span across Asia, and cause immediate damage to our allies. With these weapons, they will be able to bomb the fire, and engage in tactical strikes in order to make sure the wildfire does not reach their border.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu applauded President Biden for his innovative approach to fighting wildfires contained in the continental United States.

“Our intelligence agency reports there is good evidence that Hamas is responsible for the brutal Santa Ana winds that caused this disaster. We are more than willing to bomb every hospital and school in the great Los Angeles area to help neutralize the threat,” said Netanyahu. “If we do not put an end to the threat of Hamas immediately they might be able to cause more natural disasters. Tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, and even brutally cold winters are all the handiwork of Hamas leadership. We believe we can exterminate that threat if only we had a few billion more dollars given to us with no oversight on how it is spent.”

California Governor Gavin Newsom also supported President Biden’s plan for federal funds, but will be taking additional action as well.

“We need to pray for Los Angeles right now. These fires are a direct threat to many communities, but we also have to remember that unhoused individuals are often as dangerous as wildfires. That is why I’ll be redirecting resources to help law enforcement officials break up large encampments across the city,” said Newsom while posing in front of some smoldering brush. “I’ve spoken with the largest donors in the city and they all agree that we need to eradicate the homeless population as soon as possible, I think now is the perfect time to make that happen.”

At press time, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass was entering her 16th hour of staring blankly without saying a word after being asked how she will handle the wildfire emergency.

Vegan Coworker Feels Obligated to Take Third Plate of Giant Uneaten Office Party Salad

By Jacky Pritchard

BEND, Ore. — Vegan office employee Jackie Caplan felt compelled to eat more than her fair share of uneaten greens during a social gathering, confirmed sources who refused to even make eye contact with the salad.

“I mean, it was an ambitious mix of arugula, spinach, kale, shredded carrots, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, roasted red peppers, and sunflower seeds, but coworkers focused on roast beef sliders, shrimp cocktail, and an extravagant dessert bar featuring mini cheesecakes and chocolate mousse cups,” said Caplan. “Meanwhile, I’ve already had two salesmen ask me where I get protein while they both had brownie stains on their shirts. I feel almost like it’s my responsibility to consume these greens to be polite. I don’t even want more salad, but at this point, I feel like I have to prove something.”

Linda Palmer, the self-proclaimed “office mom” and party chairperson, expressed confusion over the salad’s rejection.

“I thought everyone likes salad! It’s healthy, it’s light—perfect for a party,” said Palmer, gesturing to the colorful but largely ignored platter. “I thought about taking a little bit but, you know, I had the baby back ribs and filet mignon instead. Jackie can have it. I asked if she would have some fish since she’s vegetarian or something, and she said no. Then I offered up chicken as a vegan option, but she won’t consume that either. Apparently, she can only eat salad and nothing else.”

Experts note that the phenomenon of uneaten salads at office parties is all too common.

“Fruits and vegetables are often bought out of obligation, not demand,” said Dr. Ruchi Moorjani, a sociologist specializing in workplace culture. “When no one eats it, vegans are left feeling guilted into overcompensating, as if they’re personally responsible for the salad’s existence. It’s like meat eaters don’t understand that vegans actually consume a variety of foods as part of their diets and if they just tried, they’d learn that they actually eat more than just iceberg lettuce. Sure, I’m not sure what else they exactly eat, but I have to imagine there are other foods out there for them.”

At press time, Jackie was seen awkwardly maneuvering a full platter of carrots, broccoli, and celery onto her bus home out of obligation.

How I Enhanced My Radiohead Listening Experience by Standing on the Edge of a 9-Story Building

By Malia Simon

What up Radiohead heads, I’m halfway through my fifteenth re-listen of the entire discography, and I just discovered a new way to seriously enhance the sonic experience: climbing to the top of a 9 story building and gazing longingly at the beckoning ground below.

Any serious fan is no stranger to the fact that you can’t just listen to OK Computer while strolling through the park or chilling at home with a friend—in other words, while enjoying your life. In my now tested experience, the best and only way to absorb the full meaning of a Yorkeian ballad is by standing motionless on the rooftop of a 9-story building and pulling a Kendall Roy-style full-body lean against the glass.

They say set and setting are important when consuming a piece of art, and I can attest that is very true. Whenever a Radiohead song shuffles to the front of my liked songs, in which it was admittedly quite recklessly interspersed, I immediately mount the nearest office or hotel building, shove my earpods deep inside my sockets, and inch my feet as close to the edge as the pesky barrier will allow. Instantly I am plunged into the full emotional depths of “Codex” and its lyrical mysteries. You’d be amazed at the new significance taken on by “Jump off the end, no one’s around” when that is a very real possibility created by your physical circumstances.

If you decide to try this method, just be warned that distractions may disrupt your meditative state. For instance, on my last 2 excursions, I had to calmly explain to the firemen sent by the crowd of people frantically waving their hands below that this is nothing to be concerned about and merely a classic listening ritual for Radiohead fans. People listen to smooth jazz while swirling wine and imagining caressing a lover, and people listen to Radiohead while staring out at the abyss and imagining ending it all so sweetly.

I’m not gonna do it. The fact that I’m standing atop a 9-story building overlooking the interstate highway doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it, nor does the fact that I’m shouting “I’m gonna fucking do it. Would any of you even care?” Like I said, this is merely part of the all-immersive experience I have created for myself as a Radiohead fan. Come to think of it, my entire life has been a series of enrichments I’ve made to get the full experience of the band’s masterworks. From failing to find a lasting and significant romantic relationship to working a soul-numbing job for two and a half decades to having an undiagnosed mood disorder since I was 16, I have been doing everything in my power to make the music sound fucking out-of-this-world, soul-wrenchingly incredible when it hits my eardrums. I like to think I am Thom Yorke’s palette and my excruciatingly painful life is his paintbrush. What’s next? Discovering I’m impotent? My dog dying? Who gives a shit! “High and Dry” is gonna slap.

Hippie Names Dog Bowie After Phish Song “David Bowie”

By Tim Graham

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local jam band enthusiast Melody Meadows chose to name her new puppy Bowie as an homage to one of her favorite Phish songs, according to pungent sources.

“Phish is my favorite band, so it was only natural that I’d name my puppy after one of their greatest songs,” said Meadows while knitting a tiny rasta cap for her pug. “I thought really hard about it and finally narrowed it down to Nectar, Fee or Bowie, after their song ‘David Bowie.’ Of course, I ended up going with Bowie because that song is such a blast. It’s crazy how they just sing nonsense words like ‘David Bowie’ and ‘UB40.’ They’re so creative! How do they come up with this shit?”

Friends have had little success in trying to correct Meadows.

“The last time I saw her at a show I tried to explain that the Phish song was referencing a real dude who is one of the most accomplished musicians of all time, but she just couldn’t get it, man,” said friend and fellow Phishhead Lentil Quinoa. “It doesn’t help that we were on a shit-ton of mushrooms at the time, but still. It devolved into a real ‘who’s on first’ situation. I tried to prove it by showing her on my phone but it just wasn’t working. After 45 minutes I realized I was trying to do a Google search on a Nature Valley granola bar. Melody had already gotten bored and wandered off by then.”

Henry Stokes, author of several rock star biographies, worries that Meadows’ mistake is indicative of a generational music literacy problem.

“There’s an education crisis when it comes to rock music today,” said Stokes while applying a Misfits sticker to his CPAP machine. “There are kids out there who have never even heard of The Stooges or Joy Division! Just the other day, I mentioned Captain Beefheart to my nephew and he thought I was talking about a character in an upcoming Marvel movie. I’ll give Ms. Meadows a little bit of credit for being a Phish fan. While they are an objectively appalling band, at least they are well established and could be considered classic by some definitions.”

At press time, Meadows had changed her mind and renamed the puppy Dylan after Timothée Chalamet’s folk singer character in the film “A Complete Unknown” that she believed was entirely fictional.

I Played Every Hero in Marvel Rivals and Forgot to Pick up my Kids From School: My Review of the Game and Also Child Protective Services

BY Brendan Osorio

Hey guys! It’s ya boy MrLMFAOMayo here to tell you guys about my experience checking out Marvel Rivals over the first month of release. Also for a little bit of a bonus I’m gonna mention my brief sojourn to my local Child Protective Services building, which may have been related to me forgetting to pick up my kids while i was gaming all day to bring you the best Marvel Rivals coverage this side of the interwebs, let’s jump into it gang!

So right off the bat I know what you’re all wondering “Is this game basically Overwatch with Marvel characters?” and while it does have a lot of similarities, I think it does differ in a few ways. I mean keeping track of the objective is still a big part of the game, I found myself a couple of times forgetting to stay on the payload both in and out of the game.

Like for instance when playing a flanker like Moon Knight it’s easy to forget to stay on the point to get the capture. Just like while deep in a Rivals gaming sesh it’s super easy to forget to pickup the payload that is your kids and bring them back home safely. But these are just basic mistakes anyone can make and you shouldn’t feel too bad about it, no matter how much that bitch Linda down at CPS yells at you about it!

Like with all games though it’s really most important that you’re having fun. So make sure you play around a bit and try out every character. You’re gonna want to make sure you don’t get too attached right away cuz you never know when someone is gonna instalock Winter Soldier if he’s your main.

Just like how you never know when your ex wife is gonna swoop in and take your kids away and call you an irresponsible man child and a failure and threaten to never let you see them again. The point is, it’s good to have options! Maybe tryout the Punisher for a game or have some new kids! Just give it some thought.

Now I know you guys are probably gonna want some advice on the META on this game and frankly in my opinion it’s still kinda changing. Right now Iron Fist is still the most troublesome to play against in most 1 on 1 fights so if you can get good with him I recommend it. You’ll definitely attract a lot of toxicity in chat though.

Kinda like when my kids talk about their mom’s new boyfriend Kyle all the time. Much like Iron Fist punching you in the face repeatedly, the thought of Kyle banging my wife is constantly being pummeled into my head and for sure causing a lot of tunneling and even tilting as a dad on my part.

So yeah I guess in conclusion I’d say if you haven’t picked the game up go ahead, I’ll for sure try and keep you guys updated with my thoughts on future updates if I can. May be a bit of a gap between videos if I can’t beat this child neglect charge but I think I’ll be okay. My Lawyer is like Cloak and Dagger, adaptable and annoying as hell.