The Female Orgasm Has Just One Door

<Puts on David Attenborough voice> The living world is a spectacular marvel. Billions of individuals on this great stage we call “earth” are true pussy whisperers, dazzling in their cunnilingus talents. If you ask these Yellow Breasted Dudebros under the tree canopy what they’re best at, they will say, “Pussy licking, obviously.”

“I’m not like those other guys,” they’ll say. “I was taught by the Boerrie Satva of Boksburg when I was but a teen.” I know they’re wrong, though, because every vagina is different. If you think you’ve mastered all of them, it means you’ve mastered none.

So what does make someone a guru? I thought you’d never ask.

Powers of Observation.

Lemme just bring David Attenborough back for a second.

Vulvas! With immense forests straddling the north and dense blood vessels colouring the south, the common household vagina shares its secrets if you pay enough bloody attention. Blood vessels dilate. Skin turns scarlet. Goosebumps bristle through the underbrush, and the temperatures rise… and rise.

If you go according to touch alone, you will feel precisely when she’s started wondering what to cook for dinner later. If you pay attention to the complete absence of goosebumps, you WON’T KEEP STOPPING BEFORE SHE COMES BLOODY HELL! You wouldn’t drive a car with your eyes closed, and you shouldn’t drive a vagina that way either.

You might have orgasms from mechanical action alone, but no, no, no, that ain’t me, babe. Sorry. I don’t know how Bob Dylan managed to get David Attenborough’s microphone.

The second step to being an oral sex guru is:

Enjoy the Journey, Not the Destination.

We do want a destination, but you’re more liable to reach it if you enjoy the journey on its own merits. A woman can smell an ego-driven pussy licker at 50 strides, and by the time he gets his tongue out, she’ll prolly start faking it just to get his ego out of the way. I don’t want to be a project with an end goal. I want to enjoy this. I need you to enjoy this. If you’re filthy and kinky and have thrown yourself into the act with abject abandon, you will have unlocked the female orgasm by its only door: The mind.

Female orgasms are a kind of orchestra. They need to be led at varying paces and pressures. Very few of my exes have understood this. They find one thing works just before orgasm, then employ the same furious enthusiasm afterwards when they’re shooting for the next orgasm. That’s enough to make a clit defect to Vanuatu. You’ve got to:

Learn Her Rhythms

Post-orgasm clits are a whole different animal to pre-orgasm clits, which are a whole different animal to just-squirted clits. We’re back to those powers of observation. If she’s shutting her legs around your head, it could mean one of two things:

She’s loving this.
She’s hating this.

I open up when I’m loving this, but a lot of women close. That’s why the fourth talent of oral sex gurudom is:

Communication.

If you don’t know why she’s squishing your head into a pancake, you should ask. If you don’t know how many orgasms are too many orgasms, ask. Fucking talk, guy. This is not rocket surgery, but it’s the reason literally every man who’s ever congratulated himself on his cunnilingus skills lacks those skills—because a guy who knows everything doesn’t need to ask questions. He knows it all already, which is basically admitting that he doesn’t know a damn thing.