Fetlife is Rigged to Fuck This Up For You and Other Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was New to Fetlife

• If you behave like an asshole on Fetlife, a fiery, screaming horde of cannibals will descend upon you just like in The Green Inferno. This site is full of intelligent, confrontational, ethically-sound individuals, so that cannibal horde could be a great blessing. I know thread wreckage is hard, but try to listen. You might just become a better person for it like I did. Yeppers. I, too, have had sketchy opinions. I listened to the cannibals, though, so I’m a bit less of an asshole than I was yesterday.
• Yes, Janet. You should definitely watch The Green Inferno. It’s basically a fairytale about gastronomy. It’s not scary at all.
• If you fuck with our Only Fans models, we will scream at you. There’s a reason for that. The US “Fight online sex trafficking act” (FOSTA) removed sex workers’ ability to screen for dangerous clients online. People die all the time as a result. Fetlife is one of the last online places that support sex workers’ presence, and their safety is more important than your inability to click the “commercial profile” filter. It’s one click, Brent. Just dooooo iiiiitttt.
• But seriously, you’ll get tons of cooking tips from The Green Inferno. You should definitely check it out.
• There are two ways to Fetlife: by using it to integrate and find kink events or by trying desperately to pick up women in personals groups for quick shags. I know you think attending events is the least lazy way to go about this, but it takes six hours to meet sexy people at parties and six years to find a date via inbox spam. That’s because…
• Fetlife is rigged to fuck this up for you. Baku decided not to make it a dating site, hence all the features that keep sticking in your ass every time you try to use it like a dating site.
• Copying a URL of a Fet photo into your post with spaces above and below will display the photo! Preceding your comment with a “>” and then a space in front of your comment will turn it into a quote. Preceding it with a ### will make it red. It’s a pleasure.
• If you’re miserable about a caretaker's decision, you can request a senior staff review at appeals@fetlife.com.
• Reposting someone else’s intimate images without their consent could be classified as intimate image abuse in your country. That’s a crime, but I'm sure you’d look sexy in an orange jumpsuit.
• Crumbs are trails leading your friends to cool posts just like in Hansel and Gretel.
• If you wish you could love this more than once, click the love button more than once, Gemma.
• The odds of picking up a stalker on Fetlife are too high to even contemplate. They wait in the grass like fleas. Some people will tell you to ignore them. Some will tell you to fight. Me? I wish I’d never started writing feminist posts because once you find a stalker, you can consider them a part of your life for years. You need to be incredibly wealthy to prosecute a crime in another country. Most people can’t afford it.
• But if you need some love and lightness, it’s The Green Inferno all the way.