CWD: OE ~ Twenty-One

They fought their way down several additional levels of the fry pit dungeon cells. On the third floor, they started encountering ‘Extra Crispy Prisoners’. Those weren’t lightly breaded, instead having layer upon layer of batter that provided them with decently thick armor.

The new batch of fried monsters had fifty Health. They were also exponentially faster than the earlier versions, and their chains were able to deal damage through the humans’ mana barriers. Each ECP hit for a walloping thirty damage, even before their sizzling hot iron added on the damage-over-time effect. The Dinner Party was fortunately able to barge through by making sure to keep Brie fed, all so that she could use her Defensive Whirl to keep the attacks at bay while the rest of the party waded into battle.

“I thought that this was supposed to be some kind of math dungeon?” Reuben complained as he expended more Mana to heal his teammates, as well as to give them some Positive Vibes. With the extra thirty-eight percent bonus damage, they were still moving fast enough to keep from being overwhelmed. “Let me give you a heal, Nacho. Your face is freaking me out. I can’t leave it like that, ‘cause I can’t look away.”

“It is a math dungeon! Don’t you see the enemies multiplying?” Luckily for all the living people in the area, one-hit kills were still the norm for Brie. “All the way until I square root them into the floor?”

“It… that… an effort was made, and that’s good enough for me.” Reuben chuckled cheerfully as a one-two punch turned his target into a slowly dissolving mess. Nacho and Jennifer were starting to have to ramp up the number of blows they landed to achieve the same effect as the heavy hitters. It was taking multiple strikes for them to take down an opponent due to the thick layer of extra crispy armor protecting the strangely beguiling meat underneath.

The Extra Crispies at the front were the main concern, but Nacho remained at the rear to keep the variations of Lightly Breaded Prisoners at bay. He was enjoying himself; there was something darkly satisfying about cleanly slaying his opponents. “Just gotta make sure I don’t accidentally take a bite of them.”

“You say something, Nacho?” Jen queried in confusion.

Nacho shook his head in sharp denial, feeling at his face. The raised welt had vanished, thanks to the Healer, but he swore there was still lingering pain. “Sure didn’t.”

Eventually the Dinner Party managed to fight their way through to the fourth level of the dungeon, finding that the interior had changed from the previous iterations. This hallway of cells ended in a colossal iron-reinforced door that sported the same iron bar construction as the door in the mosaic tile entrance room.

“I need a donut.” Brie gingerly accepted the fried disaster from the smugly smiling cook, turning his frown upside-down when she loaded it into the net of her stick and launched it into the bar as though it were one of her explosive orbs. To his disappointment—as well as piquing his experimental side—the circle of food impacted hard enough to force the bar off its hooks. As they had expected, the door sloshed outward as a fountain of rancid canola. “I think I found a solution for your failed recipes, Nacho.”

“Food as weapons? Are you kidding me?” Reuben was practically vibrating with excitement. “What can we do with this? Baguette swords? Lacrosse meat-ball projectiles? No! I got it! Pound cake!”

“Like… a cake golem that goes and pounds stuff for you?” Jennifer questioned with nearly as much excitement. “Can food be used like that?”

“I think so, I mean… look at those potstickers flying around and providing light?” Reuben stated consideringly, rubbing his chin twice as he continuously nodded. “I think he is more than just a cook, or he could be, at least. I think he is actually some kind of crafter class. I've been wondering why his class is so completely expensive, and the most rare of them all. If it's really just food and nothing else. Nacho, I think the class selection was a double red herring. The first decoy was making the class seem unappealing; the second was making your class look like a one-trick pony! We need to look for recipes that let you make weapons, items-”

The oil started to congeal on the stones, allowing them to cross the threshold as Reuben waxed eloquent about the possibilities of the Common Cook class. Stone stairs circled down to the fifth level of the dungeon, and for some reason, none of the monsters they had encountered thus far followed them down. Happily, instead of a series of fry rooms like previous floors, the stairwell deposited them into a cavernous chamber.

On the walls hung iron shackles, empty for now. Nacho noted them warily and hoped they wouldn’t find themselves strapped to the stone. The center of the room was dominated by a slightly rusted iron cube with seams welded along its edges. Nacho recalled the welcome message, and how it had said they had to fight their way to the Skillz Cube. That iron was certainly cube shaped… it looked promising.

That was the only happy thing he could note. Three devices dominated the space—an iron maiden that looked suspiciously like Mrs. Butterworth, a smoking cauldron of boiling oil, and a rack made from long pieces of wooden planks that Nacho was fairly certain were used to smoke salmon. There was something strange about the rack, something that stood out to him: on it were several shelves full of herbs he didn’t recognize.

“Hey, look, a spice rack!” Reuben cackled nervously. As though his words were a trigger, the sound of the fried prisoners parading down the stairs filled the air.

“Abyss, I knew it was too good to be true. They were just gathering their numbers.” Brie loaded up another donut in Mr. Lacrosse Stick, making Nacho’s face fall, though she kept a proper exploding orb on hand as well. “This is either a trap, or we’re going to be facing some bad things.”

“Some kind of pepper?” Jennifer worriedly offered as she pointed at the rack. “I think the spices just moved.”

Just as she spoke, the ‘furniture’ wrenched itself up by its chains, metal legs unfolding from the bottom. From the top emerged long arms that gripped the chains and manacles, giving the metal lengths a practice *snap* and  using them as flails.

Spicy Cuddle Rack

Effective Tier/Level:???

HP:?

“It’s a Tier two monster!” Nacho warned them, his Sewer Skewers materializing in his hands. “Watch out; we don’t know what kind of effect its aura will have on the area.”

At that moment, the smiling iron maiden came to life, the kindly metal face opening and silently screaming; revealing rows of nails instead of teeth. Nacho sped forward to hunker down in front of his team as the iron maiden’s body opened to showcase the fact that it, too, had access to spikes.

Those fired off like railguns from old Earth.

Nacho raised his shield and barely deflected the sharpened metal. One wasn’t properly shifted and managed to catch him in the side as it *whizzed* past him.

Health Remaining: 134/156! 25 total taken; ten percent mitigated by donuts!

Look at that! I guess you are what you eat. You’ve got a hole in you, just like your donuts!

Reuben leapt in front of Brie and took the next spikes, which clattered to the ground like metallic rain, sending the pungent aroma of his cheesy protection into the air. He howled in pain as he looked down, “Ahh! Spike in my thigh. Ring of Cheese is already maxed out for damage absorption?”

Right off the bat, Nacho and Reuben were wounded, and their troubles didn’t end there.

The biggest fried prisoner they had yet encountered crawled out of the cauldron and slopped onto the ground, spilling an oil slick that washed out to coat nearly a quarter of the floor. It had been so heavily egged, battered, and cooked that there was very little human about it any longer. The monster was so crisply armored that it could hardly walk, and the breading glowed an ominous neon orange. Two gargantuan chains hung from its arms, also encased in a bright orange crust.

Jennifer called out, “I got a lock on both! The iron maiden is a ‘Mrs. Syrup Spiker’, and our big, fried friend is a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos UltraPrisoner! Both are Tier two.”

“What is with the power scaling in this place? The other monsters were all Tier zero or early Tier one!” Reuben ineffectually complained as the tantalizing scent of Cheetos filled the room with a nostalgic aroma, which was rapidly overpowering Reuben’s Ring of Cheese stench.

Nacho mentally went through their inventory in an instant. Two disaster donuts, two Life Hack yogurts, and a single pocket pancake. Reuben had cast three Healing Hugs and two Positive Vibes, so he was down forty percent of his Mana and thirty-five Thirst Points. He had extra water stored away in his Storage Slots, along with the mysterious bottle from Jennifer.

As for the cook, he had Mana and Thirst Points to spare. He’d been healed after taking the chain to the face, so his Hunger Points were also fine. A plan started to form, so he quickly yelled to the others, “Brie! We can’t have that iron maiden throwing spikes at us. Take that one out first. I’m going to get the UltraPrisoner between us to soak up any more spikes until then. Jennifer, Reuben, keep the spice rack busy, and—if you can—try not to break all the spices. I might be able to use them.”

“Fight the thing without breaking it?” Jennifer wondered sarcastically. “That sounds great; why not just feed ourselves to it at the same time?”

“If he thought that would defeat it, he would have already fed himself to it. Probably.” Reuben waded into combat, fists leading the way. “Nacho leads by example. Great quality. Best not to ask too many questions. I’ll take it head on;, you hit it from the back.”

There was a real chance they wouldn’t be able to ‘hit’ it at all, since it was a Tier two monster, and the two of them wouldn’t get any damage bonuses against it. They also needed to account for the still-unknown Tier two bonus that it carried.

Nacho wouldn’t have that problem with the UltraPrisoner. His knives allowed his damage to stick so long as he was only attacking one Tier higher, so he got to work. He flung his skillet shield onto his back and drew his cleaver and chef’s knife, *clicking* the Sewer Skewers to his chest in a bandolier formation for easy access. He danced forward, glowing slightly from a fresh dose of Reuben’s Positive Vibes, and whirled into chopping the bright orange UltraPrisoner.

Damage Dealt: 26/26/52! Nice!

Total Damage Dealt: 104/400!

With every attack, breading went flying as though an ornithologist had just found the favorite snack of ducks. The effect was concerning at first, until he realized that the HungerCry Knives prep effect was activating, giving him fifty percent more yield. Apparently, that included the crunchy, crackling Cheeto-enhanced batter of the prisoner. He accepted the oddity of it when he realized that the crumbs were soaking up the spilled oil wherever they landed.

Nacho’s eyes watered as spicy dust filled the air, and he blinked away the tears. As though waiting for the disruption, the Flamin’ Hot UltraPrisoner let out a muffled roar and lashed out with huge chains. Nacho ducked one, but took the other right across his shoulder.

Health Remaining: 94/156! 45 damage at once? Ow! Good thing you scarfed those donuts. Aren’t you happy you front-loaded your misery?

Losing forty health in a single glancing blow hurt. Nacho danced back and positioned Mr. Flamin’ Hot right where he wanted, blocking the door and any spikes that might be hurtling through the air between them. “Speaking of spikes…!”

Rolling forward, he slammed first one, then a second skewer through a foot, nailing it to the ground. Avoiding the Retaliatory attack, he dodged to the other limb and did the same. Behind the enormous boss monster, the smaller fried critters tried to push the Cheetos goliath out of the way, but the bright orange chicken tender was too big and bulky.

Damage Dealt: 25/27/30/33!  Wow! 25 damage was the base damage, and it was increased by 10% per skewer correctly inserted into a single target! What a shafting legend!

Total damage dealt: 219/400!

Target is effectively rooted! Can you keep stacking those percentages?

Mr. Flamin’ Hot struck back with one of his chains, the links crashing into Nacho’s Helm of Boiling and sending him flying into a wall. He felt blood splash down the side of his face, and an instant headache formed as he tried to get his bearings.

Health Remaining: 44/156!

Coughing blood, nursing a concussion, and knowing another hit would likely kill him, Nacho went on the defensive. “Reuben! I need a heal!”

The cook knew that he was doing pretty well. In two rounds of fighting, he’d halved the monster’s Health. He just needed a bit more time. Just then, the sound of glass breaking pulled his attention, an indication that many spices had been lost. Even if he hated the idea of losing any of them, it was nearly the last thing on his mind at the moment.

“We can’t hit it,” Jennifer yelled over the sound, “but Reuben and I are keeping it busy.”

Along with the shattering sound came metallic banging that reminded Nacho of their time fighting the Rave-ins as Brie pounded rhythmically on the iron maiden. She must’ve been keeping it busy, because they hadn’t needed to deal with any more of the miniature ballista bolts.

As he took a step forward, Nacho felt himself embraced by Reuben from a distance. It was a ghostly hug, mostly just the sensation of pressure, but the pain in Nacho’s head dissipated as he felt his Health Points fill.

Health Remaining: 139/155!

That made Nacho feel much better about finishing the fight. He went back and focused on one of the UltraPrisoner’s arms, hacking and slashing at the arm until the sheer weight of the meat tore the limb off entirely with a satisfying *squelch*. The length of chain clanked to the ground, mostly missing him as additional puff of Cheeto dust filled the air.

Total damage dealt: 318/400!

That last chain struck Nacho in his left arm, and he was back down to ninety-four Health. A small part of him railed against the idea of being the one to kill the Cheeto UltraPrisoner—they wouldn’t get any credits—but he couldn’t exactly pull Brie away from the iron maiden.

Two more Sewer Skewers slammed into the chest of the massive chicken strip.

Total damage dealt: 394/400! Do it! End this abomination! After that, we suggest sampling it. Yummo!

“Brie! Take down the UltraPrisoner with one strike! Four health left!” Nacho called out as he retreated from the chain that shattered the stones of the floor.

The Berserker backed away from the iron maiden. “Not a problem, Nacho! Hup!”

A glowing lacrosse ball blitzed through the Mr. Flamin’ Hot’s breading, then drove onward into its mass before detonating; unveiling the fried ECP’s that had built up on the stairwell behind it. The Tier two monster fell to the side, already dead. As soon as it was truly slain, the other prisoners on the stairs shrank to half their size with a whining *hiss* as its aura effect on them ended, only to be blocked from entering as the corpse rolled at a sharp angle thanks to its skewered feet… crunching to a stop and fully blocking the doorway once more.

The Dinner Party was down to two monsters in the chamber.

“Look out! Spikes!” Brie twisted her stick, throwing a swirling vortex of energy right into the center mass of the Iron Maiden. Mrs. Syrup’s spikes were caught in the whirl, and ten of them ended up falling onto the floor. Two flew off course, their wild trajectory driving them into the walls.

“I’m out of action,” their Berserker called out, moving only half as fast as she had been moments before. “I have to eat!”

Jennifer was pounding on the spice rack with her spoon and paddle, leaving no damage. Reuben was in the front, fists up, trying to block the *cracking* chains, but it was obvious he hadn’t been too successful with that strategy. He fell back, panting, “Heals for everyone, starting with myself!”

He glowed a buttery color, then Jennifer was given a long-distance Healing Hug as Nacho sheathed his chef’s knife and pulled his skillet from his back. Knowing he was going to have to play defense for a minute, he rushed the iron maiden.

Mrs. Syrup lunged for him, trying to rip him apart with her terrifying metallic teeth. For being made of metal, she had surprising speed and flexibility, and he only managed to keep those teeth out of him with careful usage of his shield and a whole lotta dodging.

Brie took some distance, then sucked down two tubes of the Life Hack, one after another, for fifty of her Hunger Points. That was the last of the remaining food, beyond two donuts and the pocket pancake Nacho was carting around. The cook *clanged* his cleaver into the iron maiden, leaving behind a deep dent as he dove out of her way.

Total Damage Dealt: 94/400.

“How does she still have this much health?” Nacho called almost accusingly over to Brie.

“Her aura effect! It drains Health based on damage dealt, and she gets bonus Health for all the damage done when it’s full. I’ve been beating on this thing just to take out the health you and Reuben gave it!” Mrs. Syrup opened her belly to reveal a fresh round of spikes prepped and ready to fly. “Also, she can re-grow her spikes super fast!”

Nacho didn’t know how he was going to protect himself and everyone else, until another warm feeling swept over him. Healing Hugs. He was back up to full Health Points… until he took the spike attack at close range.

He protected his head and chest fairly easily with his shield, but his legs were tattered remnants after four spikes hit him one after another.

Health Remaining: 66/156! Wowzers! You lost over half your health in less than a second! Only 90 after mitigation, but you should run—oh wait, your legs are shredded cheese!

“So… many… cheese jokes.” He struck the iron maiden twice more with his cleaver. Didn’t have to be standing to get the job done. Mrs. Syrup had regained a bunch of health thanks to the successful attack, though it still looked like she’d been hit by a series of motorcycles—there were more dents and crushed metal than smooth patches by this point. Even as he watched, some of those dents popped back into place, and the metal reformed. “Brie! I’m dying here!”

“Coming as fast as I can!”

Nacho rolled away, painting a smear of bright red arterial blood across the floor behind him. He heard Reuben gulp down the last of his water, and an instant later, the big guy was granting another heal, boosting Nacho’s precious Health Points by ninety-five and instantly repairing the damage to his legs.

The spikes that had been embedded in his limbs clattered to the floor, and he took stock of his personal situation. His wounds were mostly healed, but he was still covered in blood. “They say it’s better to be covered in your enemy’s blood than your own, but maybe this is the more hygienic option?”

Healed up near full, Nacho switched targets and charged the Spicy Cuddle Rack as Brie swung back into combat with the deadly metal monster. Only two shelves of spices hadn’t been destroyed—one at the very top of the rack, and one at the very bottom.

The cook caught one chain on his shield and pushed it aside as he moved in. For some reason, the chain smelled faintly of rosemary. The other chain grazed his formerly holey legs, but Nacho fought through the pain and chopped his cleaver twice into the side of the spice rack.

Damage Dealt: 52/400.

A *screech* of tortured metal arose, and a moment later, Brie dashed into combat and hit the rack with a full force *thwack* from the rear. A huge slab of the rack was smashed off, and Nacho smelled cayenne pepper, or something close to it, filling the air. Jennifer dropped back, keeping her spoon and paddle ready.

“Almost outta mana! Drinking the drink!” Reuben tipped back the bottle Jen had given him at the entrance, letting out a happy yell after the first sip. “Jennifer, this tastes exactly like cream soda! You’re a genius!”

The spice rack didn’t turn, but the shouting had distracted Nacho; he paid dearly for that by taking both chains across his chest and belly, then being grabbed and slammed into the ground.

Health Remaining: 8/156! Hey! That should have killed you!

Nacho could barely feel his head swimming. Every part of him hurt, but distantly. He was riding the knife’s edge of unconsciousness… when a happy Healing Hug from his best friend brought him back up to one hundred and three Health. He turned his head and vomited as the massive concussion was eradicated, then sprang to his feet to kill the beast once and for all.

Brie Combat Dashed into the Spicy Cuddle Rack, and Nacho followed, attacking with everything he had in him, chopping wood and crushing spice containers left and right. He must’ve hit this world’s version of cinnamon and curry powder, because he suddenly felt like he was fighting an Indian food restaurant. With all that hullaballoo, they only managed to bring the killer Spice Rack’s Health down to sixty-eight.

All Brie had to do was hit it one more time with her Combat Dash ability… but to manage that, she’d need food. Nacho dropped his chef’s knife, produced his last pocket pancake, and frisbee-d it to Brie, who caught it and shoved it into her mouth with a grimace and a growl.

Jennifer charged into the gap with spoon and paddle both, slapping the chains away just before they could injure Nacho once more. The Spicy Cuddle Rack vented its rage by flinging her back across the floor with a sudden backswing.

Brie noisily gulped down the last bite of pancake, and with a sudden burst of speed, she slammed her lacrosse stick into the back of the spice rack, shattering a huge hole in the wooden body, which froze oddly in place before falling to the ground.

Long moments passed, and the System finally admitted that Active Combat was over. Jennifer rejoined them with a few pitiful noises as she felt her distorted broken nose, which set itself with a wet *crunch* as their Health Regen kicked in. Nacho made sure everyone had survived… then started snatching up spice bottles, as many as he could carry, and tossing them into the Brewer’s backpack.

Reuben barked out a laugh from a short distance away. “You are not going to believe what I’m seeing.”

“Oh, that’s so gross.” Brie gulped in a breath, sounding like she was about to be sick all over the floor.  Nacho realized he could hear the sounds of chewing, and his rampant curiosity induced him to turn in time to see the Lightly Breaded Prisoners, the extra crispy ones, chomping their way through the Flamin’ Hot UltraPrisoner’s body. The smaller ones had ripped off the breading covering their faces and were using yellow-stained teeth to try and eat their way into the room.

Worse yet, they were succeeding.

The problem was, there was only one way out of the room: through the hordes of fried monsters that clearly had filled up the stairwell.

Jennifer’s laugh in the sudden silence sounded disturbing. “Looks like our victory doesn’t taste so good. How are we going to get out of here?”

Nacho searched around the room and pointed to the center. “Let’s hope that the big iron cube in the middle of the room has more than just ‘skillz’ in it.”