Do you think…

Don’t mind me, I was just thinking about what would have been going through Viktor’s head when he decided to have a baby despite all the sound and reasonable logic his brilliant mind formulated pointing to that being a bad idea. So many considerations. His career, the logistics of raising a baby possibly alone (I will get into that in another post just know that in my head he and Wynn didn’t know each other in THIS particular modern pregnancy AU timeline. ONS, folks) if he could even manage pregnancy at all, if he should even try, the cost of a baby, the time the energy the labor. Everything in his head probably said “a juice not worth the squeeze”.

I’m thinking about how he did go through with it anyway, because despite many many many logics, there was just something he couldn’t neatly put away and ignore. He has no idea, maybe it was hormones. Though Wynn saying he was going to absolutely be present in all ways he possibly could did help him decide that.

I’m thinking about how when the baby was here, this small, helpless thing that couldn’t care for itself, that relied wholly on another to exist, the horror of realizing that he brought this beautiful, innocent, precious into a world as terrifying as this. Through entirely selfish desires, he brought this sweet bundle of warmth into a world he couldn’t ever trust to be kind and gentle to her as he’d be. The guilt of the act, and the guilt of having absolutely no regrets. Indeed, he may choose again and again to bring her into this world, because she would be in his arms then.

And then finally, in a reconciliation of many turbulent feelings that throw him all over like a ragdoll, and a silent acceptance of all of them, he resolves himself. Resolves to protect and cherish this little baby so fiercely that she will never know what it means to go without love. Never know that the world can be cold, can be harsh, can be painful. She will not know that. Not in the same way, anyway. Those are realities he cannot shield her from, but he resolves to love her so wholly and completely that those things will diminish from a fatal knife to the heart into a pin prick. Love her so greatly that it is like a blanket that she can use to navigate this frigid world. A fire to warm her, a beacon to guide her, a home for her to take refuge in. That is how much he will cherish this little girl. That’s just what I’m thing about :/