09/08/2017-19/08/2017

09/08/2017

I asked him if he’d like to go to Mari’s with me for dinner today. It wouldn't have interfered with his schedule if he was eating at 8pm as I assume he does. It is not possible, he said. He had plans.

11/08/2017

I asked him if he was free tomorrow. There is an exhibition that I think he would enjoy at the museum. He looked troubled. Said that he had planned to drop by the office. Something hurt in my chest when I heard that, and I suppose I am not so proficient at keeping my face neutral as I believed. He must have seen something, because he said he would only stop by for a short time.

He was a little late to the event. Got swept up with things pertaining to work. I didn’t say anything about it. We went to the exhibition, but I couldn’t take in everything. It was about energy and the developments humanity had made through the years. I could not bring myself to be as present as I wanted to be, but he was happy. I think he enjoyed it.

13/08/2017

I asked him to dinner again, this time on Tuesday. I know he did not have plans that far in the future. He held his face completely neutral. That is not normal. Viktor is the most expressive person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Try as he might, he cannot hide what he is feeling. His eyebrows will always betray him. Yet he held them completely still. He agreed, dinner on Tuesday.

15/08/2017

Dinner at Mari’s. I spent the whole day wondering in some strange amusement if he would cancel on me at the last minute. I was in the garden for the first time in a long while, plucking at the petals of bright yellow dandelions that I found by my fence. I thought he would cancel, I really did. But he came by at 5:30. So we had to get ready and be out the house by 7:15 if we were to be there by 8. I looked at myself in the mirror properly for the first time in a long time. I look at myself in it every day, but I do not scrutinize as I did today. My under eyes looked discolored, and there were fine lines. It felt like my heart seized in that moment. I am only 30. Only 30. So I covered it up. A little concealer here and there, a natural lip stain, a little plucking of the eyebrows, and a little blush on the cheek, and it was fine. It was alright. We were a little late setting off, but thankfully, traffic was not as bad as I had expected. He ordered the beef as he always does. He loved it. He missed the savory, deep flavor that he swears he can only find at Mari’s. I was happy he enjoyed it. I had some chicken and pasta. I don’t really care to remember much about that. We talked as well. I talked…asked him questions. Normal questions that would have appeared as such if it were everyone else, but strange to hear from a couple coming up on a decade of marriage. “How was work? What did you have for lunch? Did anything interesting happen at the lab?” the kind of questions that I ought to have known before we even got to the restaurant. I should not have offhandedly mentioned that he didn't tell me how the conference went. That was the end. He seemed entirely uninterested in answering me, but he told me anyway. About the things he learned, the ideas he heard. I’d thought I’d hear more passion from him if it involved his work, but there was none.

We had dessert, and then went home. I was so tired. I could not find any energy to try anymore.

19/08/2017

I have been spending more and more time in the garden. I want to plant something new, but more thought needs to be given into. I’m thinking of starting on gardenias, but if I decided on that, starting them in the fall would be best, and that is soon. For some reason, I want to start them from seed. It will take years to fully grow them, but I’ve got the time now. It would be a good challenge. Well, I’ve to give it a little more thought. It wouldn’t be very responsible of me to jump into difficult plants when the past few years were spent far away from the garden. I did have someone tend to the plants I’d already planted at the time, and he’s been amazing at keeping them alive and thriving. But I have not been the one to tend to them. Perhaps that's why I feel this itch to begin a new plant that will grow by my hands and my hands only. How long has it been since I nurtured something, tended to it carefully and gently, checking all its conditions to ensure it survived? I missed my flowers a great deal. Far more than I realised.

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