“WHAT I AM” Wednesday: The Witcher on Netflix!

OK, So let’s talk about the Witcher!

Before I start it’s important to note that this is my second time trying to watch the show. When I first started the show I found it incredibly confusing which made difficult for me to pay attention to. I know that sounds quite blasphemous considering Henry Cavill’s ass is in leather pants the entire time, but I am a but a humble man, and it will take more than a thick ass in tight pants to win me over.

My biggest criticism is that the first episode is essentially like everyone’s very first dungeons and dragons campaign. There are way too many names that you can’t pronounce way too many places that you can’t pronounce and a storyline that makes absolutely no sense because you know absolutely nothing about anything. (I’ve never played the games or read the books)

Additionally, we are literally asked to care about 12 different characters and because it’s the first episode I foolishly made the assumption that they would all eventually be important and... wait… Don’t read any further because this might be a spoiler... SO MANY OF THEM DIE. Like...so you’re saying I just spent all this time trying to make sure that I knew peoples names and who they are and their importance just so that... what? You could just get rid of them?

Yes! That is exactly what they did!

I know I’m complaining a lot but honestly it’s a pretty good episode and the end fight is pretty incredible. Oh, and while we’re being honest, I wasn’t actually sad about all the deaths. In fact I was actually pretty releived that most of them are dead. That just means there are less people I’ll have to remember right?

Wrong! Welcome to episode two dummies!

Remeber when I was saying that Henry Cavill‘s ass in a pair of leather pants wasn’t all I needed? Well I take that back because episode two starts off with 25 minutes of introducing new characters and giving me absolutely no ass. It’s a travesty.

But fear not weary traveller because we get to meet the bard that everyone in the entire universe has a crush on. Although I’m sure this crush is sure to infect me as well, currrently he has yet to win me over. At this point he’s just a loudmouth sidekick talking about onions to a big angry guy and as I type this I’m quickly realizing that this is a Shrek and donkey kind of relationship (thicc ass in leather pants not exlcluded). You know what...now that I’m saying this all out loud, I’m really kind of digging it a bit more. Maybe I’ll give episode 3 a shot. We shall see.

*singing under his breath* “toss a coin to your Witcher...”