Dose 𝓢eventeen

Dose Seventeen Observations:
Subject appears confused by emotions. Subject struggles to unpack deeper feelings.

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“No.”

“No?” I echoed the word back to her, genuinely surprised by the decision she just made.

It wasn’t entirely unexpected, but I thought she would’ve at least said maybe.

Or that she’ll think about it.

“Not until you want to have a proper discussion, Liberty,” Monroe said, her blue eyes not wavering from mine.

I was silent for a moment, processing the aftermath of her words.

How they didn’t affect me to the full extent.

All I could do was shrug my shoulders and say—

“Your loss then.”

I turned away from her before she could say anything else, walking toward the double doors of her office.

“Liberty.”

“I’ll see you around, doc,” I murmured over my shoulder. “Or maybe you’ll see me around since you’re stalking me and all,” I added, my tone entirely petty.

“Don’t walk out of this office,” I heard Monroe calmly say. “Not unless you want me to publicly drag you back in.”

I kept walking anyway.

I even reached for the door handle, refusing to let her words affect me.

But then I inevitably pause, whether I wanted to or not.

It was fucking annoying, but the last thing I needed her to do was create a scene.

Or a narrative.

 “Okay,” I determined as I turned back around to face her.

Then I lowered down to the ground.

It made her blue eyes narrow slightly at me, watching as I fully sat on the ground with my legs crisscrossed over each other.

“You’re being immature,” she said, distaste clear in her tone as she walked over to me.

I purposely didn’t say anything.

I remained silent as I looked away from her, refusing to give her my attention.

“Liberty,” she said, her voice firmer with me as she stopped right in front of my legs.

I still didn’t say a word.

I just stared at the wall of windows behind her, admiring the clouds and distant buildings below.

Monroe didn’t say anything else.

Instead—

She lowered down to the floor in front of me.

It was enough to divert my attention to her— my brows furrowed as I watched her sit directly in front of me with her legs crisscrossed like mine.

You wouldn’t believe that this is Monroe Leclair, the CEO of one of the most powerful companies.

A daughter bred by true monsters.

Someone whom people can’t even look in the eye.

No.

Right now, as she sits in front of me like this, she looks normal.

She feels like her again.

The woman who sat through my made-up fashion shows, knelt in front of me, and even kept a picture of me on her nightstand.

I wonder if it’s still there.

The picture or the nightstand.

I wonder if she even lives there anymore.

I’m sure everything is replaced.

Even the fucking walls.

“Hi,” she whispered so softly, tilting her head with furrowed brows.

It was so effortlessly cute.

How puzzled she looked by me or our current predicament.

The last thing I expected from this conversation was this.

Sitting on the floor, staring at each other.

“Hi,” I finally said, blinking a few times as I stared at her.

It felt like something had softened in the air between us.

It didn’t feel as charged as before.

It made the imaginary walls around me lower, just slightly.

I could feel my shoulders loosen and my breathing grow relaxed.

“This is me meeting you at your level,” Monroe stated with impossibly perfect posture, her blue eyes not wavering once from me. “I’ll always meet you halfway,” she added, blinking once.

Then she blinked again.

“I would appreciate it if you met me halfway as well,” she whispered so softly that it made me draw in a deep breath.

I didn’t know what to say to her.

It felt like everything just took a complete one eighty.

Us.

This dynamic.

Everything took this weird turn.

I felt… calmer all of a sudden.

“I’ll give you an arrangement if that’s what you want,” Monroe determined, suddenly clasping her soft hands together in her lap. “I’ll give you anything you want, Liberty.”

I felt confused by her words.

How she just suddenly agreed?

It wasn’t like her.

But still I said—

“Okay.”

“I only ask that you meet me halfway,” she clarified, my eyes drifting down the moment she squeezed her hands together in her lap. “Let me talk to you.”

I was silent for a few beats.

Then…

I wordlessly shook my head.

I don’t know why.

It just felt right.

It was the only answer for me.

No.

No, I can’t hear her out.

No, she can’t talk to me.

“May I ask why?” Monroe said, her blue eyes entirely fixated on me. “Why can’t I talk to you?”

I shook my head, my lips parting slightly—

But nothing came out.

I stared at her wordlessly for a few moments, the air heavy between us.

Then I drew in a deep breath.

“Because,” I forced out, furrowing my brows at the tightness in my chest. “You really hurt me and—” I cut myself short, drawing in a deep breath.

Monroe didn’t say a word.  

She didn’t disrupt the silence I left behind.

She was giving me the time and space I needed to say what was on my mind.

What she wanted to know all this time.

“If you talk, and if you justify anything…” I trailed off, glancing down at my lap as I anxiously played with my hands. “It diminishes everything I went through.”

Monroe tilted her head, her expression still as calm as ever.

“I disagree,” she didn’t hesitate to say, her blue eyes not wavering from mine. “I hurt you. I acknowledge that I hurt you, Liberty. I acknowledge that these few months were painful for you.”

I shook my head. “I just want an arrangement. I…” I trailed off, inhaling a deep breath. “I don’t want anything else.”

“And what does an arrangement solve for you?” she softly whispered, her voice so soft that it made goosebumps trickle down my spine. “How will that fix any of this?”

“I don’t want to fix,” I breathed out. “I thought redoing it the right way would be better. It would make me feel empowered.”

“The right way?” Monroe emphasized, her stare trailing across my face for more.

“The other way hurt me. It was wrong,” I whispered, glancing down at my lap again. “Maybe it was always meant to just be an arrangement.”

“You were always more than an arrangement, Liberty.”

I remained silent at her serious words, awkwardly still staring at my hands in my lap.

“God, you are aware of that, yes?” Monroe suddenly said, sounding almost offended. “You have to be aware, Liberty. You have to know that if you were anything less, I wouldn’t have dated you, let you in on my tendencies, even sitting here on this floor with you right now. You have to know that I—”

She suddenly cut herself short, letting out the deepest sigh.

I was silent, a tightness burning in my chest as I tried to navigate this conversation.

How she’s actually sitting on the ground with me while having this conversation.

It was the deepest conversation we’ve had in months.

It wasn’t just surface-level, and I didn’t know how to feel about it.

“You ended it like I was nothing more than an arrangement,” I pointed out, glancing up from my lap to meet her stare.

“I know,” Monroe sighed, her face softening as she stared so deeply into my eyes. “God, I know, Liberty.”

I let out the deepest exhale, trying not to react to her words.

But my chest really hurts, and the way she’s looking at me—

Everything she’s saying to me, it just makes me want to cry.

But I refuse to cry.

I refuse to look fucking weak in front of her, the person who caused this.

I glanced down when Monroe suddenly extended her arms, her expression softer than ever before.

She was… holding her arms out for me?

For a hug.

But she didn’t touch me—no, she wanted me to lean in for the hug.

She wanted me to meet her halfway.

I shook my head wordlessly.

Even if the action alone made every bone in my body tense up.

Whether I liked it or not, I leaned closer to her anyway.

It was almost like my body was thinking for my brain.

Or maybe it was my emotions—the longing to just give in and lean into her arms.

I nearly let out the deepest sigh when her arms finally wrapped around my waist.

Then the warmth of her body was pressed to mine.

She held me so close, fully pulling me onto her lap and guiding my legs around her waist.

And I let her.

I let her hold me, even if she broke me.

I could hear her draw in a soft inhale before she cupped the back of my head, her other arm tightening around my waist.

I buried my face in the crook of her neck, keeping my arms by my sides as I leaned all my weight into her.

My body naturally relaxed as she massaged her fingers into the back of my head, her soft breath warm against my shoulder.

I relaxed deeper and deeper with every inhale she took, and every exhale she let out, somehow matching my own breathing to hers.

I hadn’t felt this feeling of ease in so fucking long.

All I wanted to do was bask in the moment of it.

Because I knew when we pulled away, once her arms untangled from me and we let go—

It would be the same reality.

She would still be the enemy.

Everything that happened months ago would still exist.

Her parents, even this stupid company that I now work for.

It would all be the same when we pull away.

“I missed you,” she softly whispered, gently caressing her hand up my back. “More than you could ever know, Liberty.”

All I could do was sigh, sinking deeper into her arms as she nuzzled her face against my shoulder.

I could hear her inhale again, openly smelling me as she held me even closer to her.

I’m not sure how long we sat like that.

Seconds… minutes… maybe even an hour.

All I knew was I didn’t want to move quite yet.

And Monroe didn’t seem like she was going to move until I did.

Eventually, I had to pull away.

I had to stand up and walk out of this office.

I knew I did, but with each fleeting second, it felt harder and harder.

It felt like our bodies were tangled at this point, and it would be impossible to get them unwoven.

It would be impossible not to think about this for days to come.

It would be impossible not to miss her again.

I fucking hate missing her.

Still, I pulled away from her, halting the soft caresses she drew against my covered back.

I didn’t meet her stare as I untangled my legs from around her body, quickly standing up as she rose from the floor with me.

“Let’s just pretend this didn’t happen,” I determined, tucking any stray hairs behind my ears.

“If that’s what you want, Liberty,” Monroe emphasized, making me nod stiffly.

Her words felt deeper than they needed to be.

Like she needed to hear confirmation on what I wanted.

“It’s what I want,” I determined, turning away from her before either of us could say anything else.

Then I reached for the door—my motions slower than I’d like to admit.

But then I finally grabbed the handle and twisted it, leaving her office as I closed the door gently behind me.

I walked past Sienna without a single word, walking down the hallway past the tech division and toward the elevators.

I had decided that maybe I did want Chinese food, so I headed downstairs to the restaurant level, where everyone else seemed to be.

Zion was seated with Grayson and a few other coworkers, laughing and conversing over their meals.

Apparently, Monroe and I had sat in that hug for at least thirty minutes.

I noticed the time on the digital clock hanging on the perfectly curated walls.

It genuinely didn’t feel like thirty minutes.

It felt like she held me for a few seconds max, but time always seems to speed up when I’m with her.

“Libs,” Zion called out as soon as he noticed my presence.

I smiled, “Hey guys,” I murmured, walking over to their table.

“You need to try the orange chicken,” Grayson said, pointing at his plate loaded with food.

He’s definitely one of those people who take full advantage of a buffet.

It made my smile widen in amusement, eyeing Grayson’s plate. “Got it,” I said, glancing over to the perfectly curated buffet.

It was the cleanest one I had ever seen, with a motion hand sanitizer machine at the beginning of it.

The food was even steaming from the heat lamps overhead.

It made my mouth water, especially as I got closer, inhaling the delicious food.

My thoughts were all over the place after what just happened in her office, so it was nice to divert my focus to something else.

Even if I knew this was what she wanted.

She wanted me to eat this.

I didn’t care in this current moment, though.

I grabbed one of the glass plates and began loading it up with food.

Once I was satisfied, I walked back over to the table Zion and Grayson were seated at, sitting down beside Zion.

They were in a deep conversation about how cold it always was here, which I internally agreed on.

I was too focused on eating my food to really contribute to the topic, but overall, it was a really nice lunch.

I think if Monroe did continue to have them catered that I might just come down with everyone.

It was nice.

It felt like it brought us all closer compared to eating lunch at our desks while we multitasked with work.

Taking a real lunch break actually helped the day pass by just a little quicker.

I swear I blinked, and I was heading down to the parking garage with Zion and Grayson.

That office and Monroe were still on my mind.

That hug was still on my fucking mind.

How gentle she was with me—the way she caressed my back or her warm breath against my shoulder.

I still can’t believe we were there for close to thirty minutes.

I can still feel her—smell her perfume.

The smallest part of me annoyingly craved that warmth again.

One that I had longed for during so many months.

I found myself zoning out as I got back to my apartment.

Whether it was when I handled Jynx’s dinner or when I headed down to Zion and Sarai’s to eat dinner myself.

They made baked spaghetti and homemade garlic bread, so I wasn’t passing up on that.

Jynx was comfortable on my lap as I ate dinner and pretended to listen to whatever Zion and Sarai were talking about.

But the truth is—

I could only think about Monroe.

And wonder if she’s thinking about me too.

“Libs.”

I hummed, snapping away from my plate that I had zoned off into.

“Your phone is buzzing,” Sarai said, tilting her head slightly as her dark eyes trailed my face. “Everything okay?”

I nodded before I could think it through. “Just tired. Work was long,” I murmured, grabbing my phone to see who it was.

Maris

That’s what the caller ID displayed on my bright phone, making me sigh more dramatically than the call required.

Only because I knew I couldn’t ignore her or this topic for much longer.

Especially after she found out about the press conference on Friday.

I don’t owe her an explanation, but I also don’t need her just randomly popping up in Seattle.

“Who is it?” Zion asked curiously as I carefully picked up Jynx from my lap with one hand, earning a short meow from her.

“Maris,” I reluctantly said, making them both purse their lips. “She recently found out about Levane.”

“She didn’t know?” Zion immediately asked, while Sarai’s brown eyes seemed to go a little wide.

“No, she would’ve freaked the fuck out—which is what she’s doing now,” I quickly explained, slowly lowering Jynx to the floor so I could take this call outside, “I’ll be right back.”

“Good luck,” Sarai murmured.

“You’re gonna need it with Mama Maris,” Zion added, earning a deflated hum from me as I headed outside onto their balcony.

The Seattle sky was the gloomiest of grays, a light mist coating the air around me.

It was chilly, but not quite yet cold, green leaves subtly bleeding into shades of brown and orange.

Once the door was shut behind me, I swiped my thumb across the cold screen, accepting the unwanted call from my mother.

“Hello,” I mumbled, staring off at the dull sky.  

“Liberty, finally, you answer my call,” my mother’s voice echoed from my phone speaker.

I sighed in response. “Yeah, just been busy recently.”

“With Levane,” she just had to say, bringing up the topic that I knew she called me about.

“Yeah,” I said, my stare shifting from the sky to the different trees changing colors for the fall.

“We worked hard to get you away from this,” my mother reminded me, her voice echoing from my phone. “You were making immense progress in California.”

“I didn’t know the fellowship was for Levane,” I emphasized, shaking my head a few times. “By the time I did, it was too late—I had already signed a contract.”

“Liberty,” she sighed in disapproval.

“What? How am I supposed to know not to sign a contract? Am I supposed to be paranoid all my life?” I forced out, annoying tears burning in my eyes. “This is really unfair.”

I don’t even know why I was crying.

I just felt so overwhelmed.

By today, her office, everything I’m feeling now.

“I don’t want to be paranoid,” I forced out. “I don’t want to worry about every little thing in my life. That they could be behind it.”

“You got involved with a Leclair,” my mother said in response, the words a deep exhale from her lips. “This is the price you pay, Liberty.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to count to ten.

But all the numbers felt meaningless.

They didn’t matter.

It felt like nothing even mattered anymore.

“What did you want?” I suddenly forced out, wondering what this call even consisted of. “You wanted to rub it in my face? That I fucked up?”

“No,” my mother said almost immediately. “We need to figure out what to do here. You need to get out before they have a chance to put whatever plan they have into motion,” she briefly explained. “If it’s not already in motion.”

 “I signed a contract,” I blankly reminded her, quickly wiping underneath my eyes.

“Send it over. I’ll have our lawyers take a look,” my mother determined, earning a deep sigh from me.

“Fine,” I whispered.

“Have you spoken to her?”

It was a simple question.

And I knew who her was.

I knew who my mother was referring to.

Monroe.

“Yeah,” I forced myself to say before I had a chance to lie. “I work down the hall from her. There’s really not a choice.”

“This is a dangerous game, Liberty,” my mother said, her voice as serious as ever.

“I know,” I said, drawing in a deep breath as I tried not to think of her arms wrapped around me.

“Do you?” my mother asked, her question rhetorical. “People got hurt last time.”

“I know,” I repeated, my brows furrowing as I drew in an even deeper breath.

People did get hurt.

Including me.

“Glad you’re aware of that,” my mother determined. “Send the contract over by tomorrow. I’ll see what our lawyers can do.”

“Kay,” I mumbled, leaning the phone away from my ear to hang up the call.

Then I stood there for a few moments, staring silently at the gloomy sky.

It took me some time to gather the courage to walk back inside.

Mostly, because I had to pretend like everything was okay again.

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t sit there and laugh and smile over the most random topics with Zion and Sarai.

I had to leave with Jynx and head up to my apartment for some much-needed alone time.  

But as I made it inside.

Past the kitchen… past my bedroom, and into the bathroom—

All I could do was open one of those cabinets again.

And stare at the glossy snakeskin makeup bag.

I refused to open it, so I just stared at it with tears blurred in my eyes.

I didn’t even touch it.

I probably looked like a maniac, sitting in front of the open cabinet as I stared at the makeup bag, tears streaming down my face.

So many things flashed in my head, and I knew my reality was collapsing so fucking quickly around me.

My mother is right.

I am playing a dangerous game.