Frustrations, Developments, Self-Care [UPDATE]

Heya, folks.

If you've been following the mess that has been my Twitter page over the past few days, you may have some idea about the subject of today's ramble. If not, a quick summary.

So the last video bombed. Real hard. Like to the level of getting half the initial engagement of the next worst performing video since my channel came back (already underperforming generally, but that's to be expected). I've gone through a lot of feelings about that fact. 

The first feeling was of pretty strong indignance, specifically in YouTube's direction, because it quickly became clear to me that at least part of the blame came from a severe reduction in upload notifications. Add on top of this a 200K celebration post mentioning the video which would fail - repeatedly - to have ANY notifications sent out for it (and which I now have strong reason to believe was actually hidden from subscribers), and my paranoia was way up. Could YouTube be suppressing the video/posts deliberately because of my video's subject matter? I decided instantly this must be the case, and the weekend quickly became a blur of pointless customer support back-and-forths as I tried to get to the bottom of what happened.

The second feeling wouldn't come until this morning when, panicking about this whole situation, I decided to write up a new community post warning viewers about this suppression going on. A flurry of new comments came in, and my anger was replaced with embarrassment.

What if people just weren't interested?

I've been getting occasional messages from old viewers letting me know that, while they support my work and my channel in a 'general' sense, they're too burned out to listen to "depressing" content and so haven't been checking out my more recent output. I had found that pretty belittling, honestly -- from my own perspective, my newer content was specifically created with the attitude of destigmatizing these topics with fun and lighthearted content (which, in general, people who watch the videos seem to have picked up on).

With the new comments, it was a combination of about 70% those who empathized with my situation, and 30% people who had been notified of the video and wanted me to know specifically why they chose not to watch. "Looked boring. "Sounded depressing". "Can't handle depressing stuff rn". "I didn't want to hear a white guy whine about how hard his life is". In an emotional haste, I hid the most hurtful of the comments, but everything suddenly seemed clear to me. I was indignant because this video, the longest since I'd come back, the most personal, arguably the most high-effort and comprehensive, wasn't getting the attention I thought it deserved. On the flipside... Was it just a long boring-looking video on a depressing subject people don't want to hear about?  

I never felt this was the case because, again, subverting the dourness of the subject was part of the whole point, but maybe it looked that way. Ok, new plan. Rebrand. Change the title. Change the thumbnail. 

Didn't work? Change it again. I need to make sure everyone knows this video is NOT sad or depressing. And if people don't want to hear about these sorts of things, I should NOT focus on these topics in future, and even then there CANNOT be indication of a downbeat vibe now that I know it's engagement poison. This new video has to be re-edited to remove the depressing parts. And any upcoming videos that aren't 'fun'? Scrapped. Scrap it, rebrand it, hold interest--

It was a relapse.

The video I'm currently editing is a sort of conclusion to many of the thoughts I've gone through over the last few videos. In it I elaborate on some things said in the YouTube Burnout video, discussing how I'm never again going to let myself be constrained by anxiety about what kind of work is expected or desired of me - to essentially let myself be in ultimate control of where I put my energy and why. 

And all it took was a bomb to send me over the edge. 

Was I justified to be upset? I think so! I spent weeks on a video about YouTube and mental health, and suddenly on the day of release YouTube plays hijinx with the notifications and refuses to give a straight answer about it? It blows! But the outcome was still the same: I was immediately second-guessing everything and putting so much more mental energy into worrying about the failed video than focusing on what I was actually working on. I was lashing out at my followers, acting like I had to rethink everything because of a few critical comments, in my manic state I was even neglecting food and water (I am now eating soup - thanks, Brit!). It was all a giant pointless waste of emotions and energy.

All of this is a process. I make myself care up to the point where I know it's out of my control. I make myself not care up to the point where I feel like I have agency in what's going on. I also decide when something is even a problem in the first place, whether I care or not. Is it a problem that my video failed? In the immediate sense that it's materially something I have to be aware of, in the distant sense that my livelihood is held in balance by a website that makes no effort to inform me about what's going on. But the fact is, I will never have any absolute level of control over how my work is perceived or received. Of course sometimes my work will not be taken in exactly the way I wanted it to. Of course sometimes I'll be fucked over by some aspect of a system I hadn't even thought to consider. It's in my power to keep all of these things in mind, but is maximizing engagement my ultimate responsibility?

I know the answer is no. The answer, as I elaborate on in the new video, is that I make videos until I'm happy with them.

Was I happy with the last video?

Yes.

Sometimes it's best not to overthink things.

I had intended on getting a draft of the new video up for you all tonight, but tonight I'm ready to admit I burned myself out again these past few days and honestly everything aches, so I'm going to take it easy and then be back at work tomorrow. Thanks again to all of you, for your wonderful comments, for your support old and new. I hope you all have a great night, and you enjoy what's next in store.

Jack