Self portrait and self perceptions

Last night while working on some pages for a comic im collaborating on with another artist i sketched up a lil self portrait. It’s probably the first self portrait I’ve done in a lil bit and a lil less ‘cute’ as I’m become accustomed to. I think the reason I usually have gone with a cute approach has been because A) I don’t take myself seriously I mean ya get one look at me and it’s hard not to say I don’t look cartoony, B) it’s just more fun outright to simplify yourself and C) the amount of guys in the art field with a mustache and scruffy hair is just….there’s a lot of ‘us’ so let’s make things a lil more interesting. All this to say I’m a funny looking person, not hot or ugly just a lil funny. So my portraits will always look funny, but maybe this time I don’t have to make it cute.

One time I was at in n out and there was a little girl just staring at me. I was like 15 or 16 so I forget if I had bangs, side swept hair, or if I had major “cuh” energy. But when I told my sister she bluntly said “you just look outta place most of the time” which to a teen who was obsessed with being perceived as quirky that should’ve blown up my ego but instead it was just a phrase I would remember if some random stranger came up to me outta nowhere. Did I call their attention because I stand out? I watched the movie creep with my best friends and one of them said to me “that looks like the kind of guy you would run into” and I hate to admit she was right.

An old friend I haven’t seen in years once told me that he thought people approached me simply because I smoke. “I always wondered why people come up to you and then I realized it’s this!” He said while pointing at my cigarette. He had gotten into the idea that if he started smoking (and he wouldn’t get addicted bc he’s stronger willed) he would also start getting peoples attention and peculiar exchanges. It’s not completely far off the more I think of it since I’ve had a lot of encounters of people asking me for a smoke or a light. Though , to my dismay, the times I’ve quit smoking have still been riddled with odd encounters. I remember the first time he smoked so clearly ,because we were at this bar and I motioned to our mutual friend the hand gesture for “wanna go smoke?” And suddenly he (new smoker friend) lights up and walks after us and whips out his brand new yellow American spirits pack, unwraps and opens it up, and starts nodding along as if he’s done this a million times. It was oddly kinda cute since it carried the energy of a little cousin who wants to play with the older kids and was even funnier when a guy still came up to me to ask me for a light and he goes “oh oh!” And offered his lighter. I do wonder if he ever got past the habit. Maybe he really was stronger willed than me and smoking really was just a conversation starter he managed to stop after the novelty faded, I certainly hope so.