Update. Plus Webtoon Update. Plus Tour Update. Plus Poll. Plus the Legend of Meatus.

• Hey, first off I wanted to apologize for not having the first few chapters ready yet. I know it's been a minute. I had a due date of January 15th with Penguin Random House for the standalone novel, Operation: Bounce House, and I'm still fiddling with the climax of that book. I have been writing my ass off, but in typical Matt fashion, I made the book a lot less linear than it should be. Once that is done (and it IS done, I'm just tweaking now), my writing attention is 100% focused on book 8. I know that's not a great excuse for those of who pay for the Patreon, but it's the truth. Again, apologies. A couple things.
  
  Poll
  
  In book 8, when a team hits the pit stop, they can upgrade their vehicle. But if they come in the bottom of the current heat (and survive), they can't choose the upgrade to their vehicle. Instead, the audience gets to choose. You don't actually know yet what sort of vehicle Carl and Donut have. You don't even know if it's mechanical or biological. What upgrade should they get should they ever find themselves in this position?
  
  
  Webtoon. 
  
  If you saw the other day, a random pre-order appeared on Amazon for the book version of a webtoon (comic) adaptation of DCC from Vault appeared and then disappeared on Amazon. The book showed up on accident, and if/when a print version appears, it'll come with plenty of notice. The webtoon itself should be out in May. But because of that weirdness, I asked if I would be able to share some of the storyboards. Unlike some of the other webtoon adaptations we've seen, this follows the book VERY closely.
  
  These are just the pencils. It'll all be in full-color. If you're not sure what a webtoon is, check out an example.
  
  PLEASE DO NOT SHARE THIS.
  
   
  
  
  
  Book Tour. 
  
  I will be going on a short but chaotic tour to support the hardcover release of books 4, 5, and 6 from Penguin Random House. As for all of these, check with the individual bookstores for the rules about how to get tickets. Only the very first one is up yet. Also please don't share these dates yet as it's not public yet.
  
  Only the very first one of these is official and out in the world yet, but these are pretty locked down. There may be one or two more added here and there.
  
  The book 4 release will be in Seattle at University Book Store March 10. (Click for tickets) Also, at the Penguin Random House booth the weekend before that at Emerald City Comic Con Seattle if you're going.
  
  The book 5 release will be at Strand Bookstore in NYC on April 9. This isn't yet up on their site I don't think.
  
  The book 6 release will have a short, Matt-doesn't-need-to-sleep-anyway tour that will hit multiple cities. They are:

  • 5/13 - Portland, OR: Powell’s Books

  • 5/14 - Sacramento, CA: Barnes & Noble #1996

  • 5/15 - San Diego, CA: Mysterious Galaxy

  • 5/16 - Tempe, AZ: Changing Hands Bookstore

  • 5/17 - Dallas, TX: Half Price Books

  • 5/18 - Miami, FL: Books & Books

  • 5/19 - Washington, D. C.: East City Bookshop

  • 5/20 – Naperville, IL: Anderson’s Bookshop

  • 5/21 - St. Louis, MO: The Novel Neighbor

  • 5/31 - Bremerton, WA: Ballast Book Shop

Again, these aren't public yet, so please don't share. 

In addition to all the above, I will have a few con events throughout the year. We have LITPRG Con in Denver in July, DragonCon in Atlanta, and more. More on that soon. 

The Legend of Meatus. 

Okay, since we're not getting a chapter today, I figured I'd give you guys SOMETHING. This was originally going to be a prologue, but I re-purposed it to be the Soundbooth Theater commercial at the end of the audiobook. As you probably know by now, these commercials are all silly little things we add to just the audiobook, but I always put something in there that adds hints to real, in-book lore or upcoming storylines. This one has more than most. Here is the script for the commercial that appears at the end of the book 7 audio coming out February 11th.

If it's REDACTED, it's stage direction for Jeff only. It probably doesn't say what you think it might say.

THE STORYTELLER

Kids: He’s coming! He’s coming!

Door opens. Storyteller enters. He’s a very old man. (REDACTED). An old, female voice greets him. Just old. The woman sounds a little (REDACTED), but very, very old.

Old woman: They’re restless today. You made it in the nick of time.

Storyteller: (Under his breath) How are they doing?

Old woman: (Also under her breath) You know. Like usual. About what one can expect from immortal children.

The kids sound just like normal children. There are lots of them, and they clamber for attention.

Kids: Yay! Hi Storyteller!

Storyteller: Hello, little ones. It’s been a minute. How are you today?

Kids: Tell us a story! Tell us a story!

Storyteller: (chuckles) All righty. Come on. Circle around. What do we want to hear today?

Kids: Tell us about Princess Donut and Carl again.

Random kid: No. He’s told that story a million times. I want to hear about the last stand of Ntumba.

Another kid: No, tell us about Corcunda the half-mantaur and the womantaurs and how they enslaved him.

PJ: No, that’s what he told us last time. I want to hear about the intergalactic taxation relief subcommittee’s 35 hour session to break the Soother filibuster. 

Random kid: Shut the fuck up, PJ. Tell us about the harem. I want to hear about Gash and Slit and Mudflaps and all the others.

Storyteller: (Chuckling) I think it’s Jabari’s turn to pick a story.

(All groaning.)

Kid: He’s just going to pick what he always picks.

Another kid: Yeah, he’s a pervert.

Storyteller: Well, let’s see. Jabari, what story do you want to hear today?

Jabari: I want to hear how Harpocrates lost his dick.

(All groaning again.)

Rando kid: See? See?

Random kid: You’re a fucking weirdo, Jabari.

Storyteller: (Chuckling again.) It’s okay. Remember what I said last time? Even if you’ve heard a story before, when you change the point of view of the person telling the story, it changes completely. Whose point of view did I tell it from last time?

Random kid X: The stupid gremlin. Not Meatus, but the gremlin. Why do they have the same name? That makes it confusing. And the time before that, it was Harpocrates. 

Another Random kid: No, it was the Taurin bartender, Whisky Jack.

Random kid X: No it wasn’t, doofus.

Storyteller: It doesn’t matter. This time we’ll do it from the point of view of Thumbtack. Remember, this was a long, long time ago. Thumbtack was one of the pharmacists at the Cosmic Lounge, and he’s the one who gave Meatus the Gremlin the knife in the first place. Now I want you all to close your eyes. I’m casting the Cinematic Audio spell now.  I want you to picture it. We are in the cosmic lounge. There’s some quiet whispering and chatter. Soulful jazz music plays in the background of the bar. There’s a woman singing over a jukebox. We focus in on a table in the back of the bar. Meatus the gremlin is at the table, looking over the suitcase of pharmaceuticals that’s being presented to him by Thumbtack, who is a half djinn, half bobcat.

Random kid Terry: What’s a bobcat?

<REDACTED>

Storyteller: Just close your eyes, Terry, and you’ll see.  

(As he talks, the scene changes to what he’s describing. We fade from the storyteller’s circle to a bar. We start to hear the sounds he’s describing)

A bell above the door jingles.  Heavy feet walk across the bar.

Thumbtack: Look, it’s another god. This place ain’t been the same since they added an entrance on the Ascendency levels. So, anyway, I’m knuckles deep in her mouth, and she’s like gagging, right? And I said, if you ain’t got the gold, then I’ll take the pills back myself. So she starts coughing, and if she wasn’t an ice fairy, I’m pretty sure she’d be blue anyway. I don’t want to extend my claws cause I don’t want to rip her throat out, but you don’t just cheat ol’ Thumbtack either.

Meatus: (sighs) Yeah.

Thumbtack: Meatus, you okay, buddy? You’re not your usual self. You usually love these stories.

Meatus: Eh, sorry Thumbtack. I’m a little distracted bud. It’s just... you know nothing seems to work anymore. Ever since I met her. Everything is like it’s in black and white.

(From across the bar)

Harpocrates: Turn off the music. It’s too loud. It hurts my head. 

Thumbtack: Godsdamned deities ruining everything. Listen, Meatus, buddy. You want a love potion? I got a love potion. Right here. Fairy wings and menses of a cupid pig. It’s a suppository. Like one for her, but once you get it up there, she’s yours forever.

Meatus: It’s not that, man. She already likes me. She’s a demi-god herself. She used to bang Yarilo, and she’s always talking about how exhilarating it was. Look at me, man. I’m just a gremlin. What do you think I’m packing down there? I can’t compete with a god.

Harpocrates: Turn it off, or I will turn you off.

Meatus: (Under his breath) They’re always coming in here, bossing everyone around. The fucking music was here first.

Thumbtack: Dude, keep your voice down. That’s Harpocrates. He can hear you.

Meatus: I don’t give a shit. I liked that song.

Thumbtack: Listen, don’t worry about him. But I know what you mean, man. I’m a half-djinn. Everything is spinning down there. If I don’t time everything right, it can get really messy. It’s like a carnival ride gone haywire. Remember Licky-Licky Lucy? I accidentally tossed her through the window of my apartment the other day.  Here. You’re my friend. You can borrow this, free of charge.

(The sound of a large knife being put on the table)

Meatus: A knife? What does this do?

Thumbtack (whispering): It’s called the Knife of Ophiotaurus. I’m not supposed to have this, so keep it on the downlow. Let’s take a stroll to the killing fields, find an ogre or something, and (Makes a slicing noise). It resurrects dead flesh and allows you to attach it to yourself. You’ll have to cut your own off first, but you can keep it on ice and stick it back on if it doesn’t work out. But it’s a resurrection tool that allows you to attach things to yourself.

Meatus: Uh... and I can feel it, and it’ll work like normal?

Thumbtack: That’s right. It’s from the old age. From before the Ascendency.  I got it so I can cut my lower half away and replace with real legs, but I keep chickening out.

Meatus: But you’re sure it’ll work?

Thumbtack: Oh, it’ll work all right. You ever wonder why I got six fingers on this hand? Slices like butter, too. Super sharp. You don’t even feel it cuttin’

Meatus: Really? You’d let me borrow this?

Thumbtack: If it keeps you from moping around, then...

There’s a loud smash, followed by an angry shout. The music abruptly stops.

Harpocrates: I want to listen to my stories! Not this music! 

Whisky Jack (Bartender. He’s a Taurin (a bull). REDACTED): Goddamnit, Harpocrates. I was about to turn it off.

Harpocrates: We listen to this, or we don’t listen to anything.

(click)

(A Soundbooth theater audio production starts playing in the background.)

Whisky Jack: What the hell is this?

Harpocrates: It’s a cinematic audio production from Soundbooth theater dot com. It’s better than that stupid music. It’s like a regular audiobook, but it has a full cast, original music, and sound effects. It’s like a movie, but in audio form. They have an app and everything.

Whisky Jack: Okay, but why did you have to destroy my jukebox? One doesn’t normally play audiobooks in bars. I was about to turn it off. 

Harpocrates:  Bartenders aren’t usually twisted around their own bar like decorative lights, either.

Whisky Jack: Point taken. Listen away.

Thumbtack: Fucking gods. I do like a good audiobook, though. Nothing compensates for a person’s inadequacies more, both physical and moral, than being an audiobook narrator. There’s one. Her name is Annie Ellicot. She once killed a bald eagle with her bare hands, ate it raw, and wore its corpse as a hat.  And nobody cares because she’s so good. Anyway, be careful with that knife.  Whatever you do, don’t try to use it on a god. Cause whatever you cut off, it’ll... Meatus? Where did you go? Meatus?

Harpocrates: (shouts in pain.) What the fuck? What the fuck?

(Someone): Dude, that guy just stole your dick!

...

Storyteller: Harpocrates was so distracted by the amazing, silken voice of Jeff Hays, the gremlin sneaked under his robes, and he managed cut his wang off. The gremlin attached it to himself, and the rest is history. 

Kids: Yay! Tell it again! Tell it again!

Lone kid: I’m starting to feel as if these stories are just paid advertisements.

Kids: More! More!

Storyteller:  One story at a time. It’s time for me to go. But remember, before I get back next time, you can always go to Soundbooth theater dot com and get more immersive stories just like this.

Storyteller gets up. To the woman, he says quietly:

Storyteller: Until next time. I miss you. 

Old Woman: Is that Annie Ellicot story with the bald eagle true?

Storyteller: Does it matter?

Old Woman: I guess not. 

~~~

And that's it for now. More soon. I appreciate you all.