Post 160: Mental Health Day

Oh man I’m glad this day is almost over, I had thought, Weird, it’s been a weird day. It started off fine, I guess. I knew Melissa wasn’t coming in - a “mental health day”, she said - and I actually figured maybe that’d be good, maybe I could exert a little authority here in the office, get a few people in line. But, as the otherwise uneventful morning went on, I started feeling more and more strange. Uneasy. Anxious. I actually avoided some people I’d wanted to speak to, some of the, uh, stronger personalities. I found myself looking over my shoulder, expecting...something. Like, hoping to hear...someone’s voice. There was an emptiness in the office that was keeping me on edge...and I think it was affecting the others as well.

Lakshmi, for example, who was working as my scribe today, actually snapped at me. She was usually a pretty quiet, reticent presence, respectful almost to a fault. But when I had corrected her on a mistake she’d made on a patient’s medication - well, I got to see a little fiery side of her; it made me wince, getting yelled at.

Other things, too, as the afternoon wore on. I heard Amelia speaking curtly to a sweet elderly lady, a patient. Brittni and Bobbi at the front desk were not their usual, bubbly selves and didn’t even look up at me from the front desk as I came into the waiting room to check on another patient. And when I walked by the scheduling office I caught Randi berating poor CiCi for something related to her appearance; it seemed mean, and I did nothing about it.

So, yeah, everything was weird. I felt uneasy, and the only relief I could find was in the few stolen moments I could get to myself, where I’d pull up Melissa’s Instagram. A mental health day? She'd obviously been spending it shopping, out and about...she seemed fine, and intent on posting it all. Inane as some of them were - pictures of her cat, photos of her lunch - they made me feel a little better. And the few that were blatant thirst traps like  - nnnngh, jesus christ - the one with the ripped jeans? Yes, they really captured me, took my mind off the day, made me....well, they seemed like a drug, and I needed my fixes, every so often, just to settle my head.

God almighty, I found myself thumbing though her entire feed, back to when she was first hired, some even earlier than that. Sitting at my desk, furtive, making my patients wait while I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled...

I hope she comes in tomorrow...

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