Update: Getting worries off my chest.

Hey y'all, just wanted to put a few things down here even if it's rather late my time...I kinda feel that I don't do as much stuff here as I really should.

I've always thought of Patreon as the pride of the channel + that I'd done very well with it, and I certainly have in the past...however, I fear that's kind of slipped a little lately. As have, perhaps, some other things. Perhaps not to a major degree, but...y'know, enough to make me worry a little. While packages still get sent out every month, they now get sent at the end of a month as opposed to the beginning. Patreon streams seem to happen on a whim, Q&A's sometimes drift completely out and even the lists just don't seem to get the updating they need...these are things that I wouldn't have thought of happening a few months ago - but here we are. I get the feeling that 

To be honest, I'm not sure why this is - I can't put my finger on it, but perhaps there is a certain blockage, and a frustrating one. Is it general YouTube worries? The changes in the algorithm have certainly affected me too, in that regard - it's greatly increased the pressure on the weekly videos, hoping that whatever's out next will do well and then getting annoyed if it doesn't. It's a bit of a frustrating time at the moment when it comes to YouTube - I have these big projects that excite me greatly, whether it's Disappearing Southend or the X68000 or documentaries about Sensible Software and The Oliver Twins that will hopefully feature the very people who made them possible, going to England's worst town...and yet, the weekly pressure is almost feeling like a hindrance - and that in and of itself, frustrates me.

For the first time in a while, this week I have...almost nothing. I'm not the most organised YouTuber (perhaps I should be) and I often think up ideas on the fly, but lately it's been a struggle to do that and this time?...well, it's just not happened - I tried to think, but only ended up annoyed as nothing came to mind. And it isn't the first time lately...in the end, there'll probably be a little thing about London Expo - but is that going to be of the standard I set for myself? Are people going to unsub because I've put my face on camera again, or my girlfriend's face? Is it going to hurt?...these are the thoughts that run through - and it's not healthy for them to be negative. As an aside, I am ETERNALLY grateful to those who've chosen to pledge on the request tiers - Andrew, Gary, Iain...honestly, in the past couple of months you've probably kept this channel going a great deal more than you think. The same also applies to my lovely Soph, who often comes up with ideas of her own. If I didn't have these things, I dunno where the channel would be at now honestly. 

The really annoying thing is that, in all other areas? It looks like it's all going swell. In 2018 I have essentially made a whole new circle of not just contacts, but very dear friends. I made a decision late last year to come out of my shell and start attending Expos, and it's been such a boon - I've met so many great people. I aim to do things with these people that are going to be VERY special - I've had opportunities to work on amazing projects, and there's more to come, things I'd have never dreamed of when I started this...and yet, the weekly YouTube thing seems to be getting to me.

So what do I do? I worry about just dedicating everything to these big projects, knowing that there isn't going to be a video every week - I worry not necessarily that people will forget, but that the algorithm will. That if I don't keep up the relentless pace I set years ago, then it'll be a disaster...is that healthy? Not really. It's annoying to think like this when I should instead be focusing on making something quality, even if it takes more time than just a few days to put it all together. 

I write this not just to vent, but also to welcome people's thoughts - I never want this channel to be just me putting things out and not welcoming thoughts, especially from you folks who really make all of this possible, to whom I owe an eternal debt. There's certain things I'm doing to try and bring back my dedication - I'm finally, after so much umming and ahhing and so many false starts, going to try and really hit Twitch in the coming months. Admittedly I see and love what Octy, Nuh-Nerd, Top Hat, Ashens and so on are doing there - seeing that was the real kick I needed to make me wanna do more than just the occasional stream where I get ratted and watch Gamesmaster, and actually make it a more regular thing...if I can bring my dedication up for that, then other areas will come.

But I also wanna say - for any message not responded to, name not mentioned...I'm sorry. I don't feel in myself that I've given my best to the place I've been most proud of, and that's gonna change - and anything that does change with this Patreon will be for the better, most definitely, for everyone. 

Thanks for reading (if you got this far!) and all the best :)

-Kim