I'm feeding ya'll with 6 chapters today.
Added 2024-09-20 16:57:02 +0000 UTCSO, I have been a bit late on getting you a few
Comments
In my honest opinion, while this is better writing than Lawful Times. I just dont find this story as engaging or unique. I feel like I could see this being somewhat generic by both its magic system (though the talismans are cool and could be formed into something even cooler) and the general characters and story just feel meh. Obviously this is without an editor behind you so I can understand this would get some changes and updates, but as of right now I couldn’t see myself saying this is better than Lawful Times or Neon Ghosts. I also don’t know if I would buy this book. I will go over the story one more time then leave another comment mentioning changes I think could elevate this story.
Shlobo mobo
2024-09-30 02:42:11 +0000 UTCOkay, so this is an early draft of an unfinished work. You may wake up tomorrow and hate it so much you delete it all and start over. We've all been there. I got it. This is six chapters, a touch over 32k words. The issue I ran into is I'm not sure who the main conflict is against. At that length it should be more clear. There's hints of a people's revolution led by Mikeal angle, but it gets muddled dueling the champion of the underclass and him being so comfortable with his status as an elite. If it's a political/family drama where Mikeal trying to save his brother and country from his father, then that is spoiled by making his father breakdown right before the duel. Even if its a temporary victory against his father, it still feels too early. As far the characters themselves, Mikael is a tad too much of a jerk. I can understand if you're going for a character that starts as a jerk then grows and evolves, but maybe scale his initial jerkness down a notch. When Mikael was losing the duel I just felt like he deserved to lose. The betrayal by his friend could be pushed back and done with more dramatic effect. Like at some big, tense moment when he really needs his help he betrays Mikael and the father is there to rub it in. There's not enough time spent establishing the friendship that when it breaks there's an emotional impact for the reader. On the "You missed a comma" front, a few more "he said" and "she said" could help. While most of the exchanges are private one on one conversations, there were still a couple times I had to reread to figure out who was speaking. There were some word choices that could be adjusted. Like a head guard is called, "lovely". My bet is you wanted to write "kind" but thought that sounded too simple and "lovely" is what came to mind. These things happen in first drafts. Understandable. Anywho, that's what I got for the moment. Feel free to private message me to talk more if you like. No big if you don't. toodles.
Nate Knox
2024-09-29 23:23:53 +0000 UTC
