Arc 9 Chapter XX: Preparation For Ungoblination

The house is contractually obligated to offer praise to the gremlin who shall not be named lest we suffer a fate worse than death.

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What was at first meant to be a night of rest and relaxation inevitably turned into an impromptu feast due to all the excitement with the devil bitch, and I doubted the Mindwormed Multitude would have stayed peaceful even without that.

We found ale, and adventurers rarely needed more reason to celebrate than that.

"Mmm." I hummed as I took a gulp "Nice and earthy."

Without looking I grabbed another tankard and extended it to my left "Want one?"

The weight disappeared from my grip and a familiar raspy grind came in response "Certainly."

Chuckling lightly I directed my guest with a sideways glance "Enjoy the show, Lord Jergal?"

The lich looking god took a deliberately slow sip of the drink before answering "Withers shall be my pseudonym while on these mortal shores."

"As you wish." I inclined my head in acknowledgement "Yet my question remains."

"The devil's kind exist for a purpose in our cosmology." The false undead answered patiently "Yet I cannot deny a degree of contentment at seeing them humbled so thoroughly."

The desiccated face turned to face me fully "So long as it is not taken to too grand a scale, of course."

"Escalating infinitely sounds annoying, so no worries there." I waved his warning off "Don't expect me to tolerate them if they show themselves to me however."

"An acceptable compromise." Jergal, or Withers I supposed, inclined his head.

We spent the following few minutes in silence.

Withers straightened his back to get my attention, and spoke "I have come to offer my services to thine mortal followers. Should they fall in battle, the laws of the world will permit, and ease their return."

"The crisis is that bad?" I quirked an eyebrow.

He considered the answer but only briefly "As ever, fools reach above their station, and in their wake millions suffer."

"Ah, a casual tuesday then." I quipped only a bit sourly, and then shrugged "Do as you will. While I am capable of the act myself something tells me you will have a much easier time of it than myself, and I doubt you want my meddling."

"Correct." He stated simply.

And that was that.

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(General POV)

Waking up with a mild hangover, the wizard of Waterdeep had to pinch himself a few times to make sure he wasn't still drunk when his fellow enjoyer of the arcane decided it would be the most hilarious thing ever to introduce them all to their newest companion.

Except of course said companion was a lich, and was offering revival services for when they all inevitably ended up dead...

The undead refused to give anything even resembling a straight answer to their questions about its purpose, and when those were then aimed at Dagoth all the elf had to say was "Don't worry about it."

Which of course made everyone worry even more.

But since the undead was obviously not going anywhere and would simply reappear whenever they set up camp next, or so he claimed, all they could do was accept the new state of things and enjoy an admittedly delightful breakfast.

Inevitably however they had to get their move on, and began debating on a plan of action.

"You want me to what?" The grey elf's right eye twitched.

"Oh there is no need to be so dramatic." Astarion's teasing lilt carried immense amusement "I just believe we could find out much more about the absolute and the tadpoles if we... delayed killing the goblins."

"Delay." Reyvin's eyes darkened "Murdering the goblins?"

"He does make a good point." Shadowheart interjected "We can't interrogate the dead."

"Can't you?" Reyvin gave her a pointed look.

To which she turned contemplative.

"Really?" Astarion asked "That is your plan?"

"I've made worse." The elven archmage shrugged, and then surprised them by adding "But fine, I suppose I can hold off on bringing righteous armageddon to the hordes of evil. For a while... maybe."

"How generous." The paler elf drawled.

"I am nothing if not magnanimous." Reyvin nodded smugly and then clapped his hands "But that is enough of that. We should get moving if we want to get this done sometime today."

Only Gale managed to catch the quiet mutter of "And the sooner I start tolerating goblins, the sooner I can stop."

'Well.' He thought morbidly 'At least he is consistent.'

Done with their preparations, the party marched out of the village of Moonhaven and headed due west, their destination cut off from them by only half an hour's worth of walking and one of the many shallow canyons that dotted the Sword Coast.

Thankfully, the goblins had seen to connecting their base of operations to the rest of the area with a surprisingly sturdy wooden bridge.

Less thankfully, the walled checkpoint looming over them was the only way they could reasonably access said base, which meant talking to them.

Reyvin didn't break his stride even slightly as he strolled up to and over the bridge, the dozen goblin lookouts staring down at him with suspicion not so much as drawing a glance from him as he approached them.

"Who are you lot then?" The lead goblin, clad in metal scraps instead of leather ones, grunted "One of the drow lady's?"

That finally made the grey elf pause as he sneered down at the goblin "Who we are does not concern you." He said, sounding more disgusted than they've ever heard him "Guard the gate and do not question your betters."

He didn't wait for the goblin's response as he simply passed him by, subtly waving for the rest to follow him.

And to their utter bafflement, the goblins let them through, merely scowling at them as they passed.

"What in the Hells just happened?" Karlach couldn't help but ask as they left the checkpoint behind.

"One of the most important tricks when it comes to infiltration." Reyvin turned back to her with a smirk on his face "Pretend like you are meant to be there, and more often than not people will simply accept it."

"You insulted him." Wyll said "To his face."

"Arrogant elf mage forced to work with goblins." Said elf shrugged as his smirk grew larger "Truly, I only had to be myself."

"I hate how that makes sense." Wyll shook his head.

The party bantered for a while longer as they walked and soon they reached their ultimate destination.

A crumbling temple, overgrown with trees and rickety wooden constructions built over a few of the ruins, only a few broken or cracked statues jutting out here and there making out as the temple to the goddess Selune it once was.

The outer section whose roof had caved in many decades or centuries prior was practically overflowing with hundreds of goblins, bugbears, and even a few ogres all of whom were swarming about the place with an air of excited anticipation.

Even a few humans could be seen exiting and entering the grand doorway that led into the temple's inner chambers, though notably they did not stay among their 'comrades' overlong.

But before the enterprising infiltrators could continue admiring the view, all of them felt their tadpoles stir, and as one were assaulted by visions of three great silhouettes, promising them unity and salvation if they were but to swear themselves to the Absolute's gentle cause.

They felt their minds begin to slip and just as they were about to succumb, another similar pulse shuddered through their minds and the oppressive presence was lifted, making them all snap awake.

Before them stood the only one among them not to share in their affliction, his back turned to them and his raised left hand clutching a familiar spiked semi-spherical object.

The source of the pulse, all of them somehow understood instinctively.

"Where did you get that?" Shadowheart muttered, her voice revealing her dawning horror. Horror that was quickly turned to rage "Give it back!"

"I'm afraid I will not." He responded coldly and finally turned to face them, looking truly serious for once "Whatever just tried dominating our minds was too powerful for me to push back on my lonesome, at least without letting you all be mind broken in the process." He added blandly.

"This thing." He hovered the artifact in front of the half elven cleric "Is the same thing keeping you all from sprouting tentacles." He stared directly into her eyes "I do not care what you did to get it or where, but understand that your mission or whatever you think entitles you to its possession is not my priority."

Shadowheart grit her teeth, but knowing in her bones she could do nothing, all she was left with was a rage filled "Fine."

Which only seemed to amuse the grey elf as he rolled his eyes and began bouncing the ball in his gauntleted hand.

"You said the presence was more powerful than you." Gale interjected "How strong are we talking about here?"

Reyvin scoffed "It is stronger than me solely in the realm of psionics." He rolled his eyes "I doubt it would survive a second against my pyromancy but that is beside the point."

"Apologies." Gale chuckled "I did not mean to imply anything. But how strong are we talking in said realm?"

The grey elf hummed, scratching his beard briefly "Strong enough to control a large cult army of lesser beings under mental suggestions while using mindflayer parasites as relays for direct control of the leaders?"

Gale's mind began racing before it all clicked near immediately, he faced the amused elf and asked "Are you thinking what I am thinking?"

"Elder Brain?" Reyvin smirked.

"Elder Brain." Gale nodded with a sigh.

Which is of course exactly the moment the two scholars remembered they were not quite alone and found themselves facing a fuming Githyanki who proceeded to curse an imaginary someone's entire familial line before interrogating the human wizard for all she could learn.

(Reyvin's POV)

"Finally calmed down?" I asked as Lae'zel stopped shaking poor Gale around.

"No." The warrior woman flashed me with a fiery look "We must inform my people of your discovery as quickly as possible. Only the Gith know how to defeat an Elder Brain, and our covenant binds us to face them wherever they are found."

"If we find mention of your people we will naturally pass them the message." I nodded indulgently "I doubt the people of Faerun will mind their erstwhile invaders drowning their current enemy in blood."

The looks on the faces of said locals all but confirmed my statement.

Either missing my implication entirely or just straight up not giving a shit, the Gith firmly nodded "It is as you say."

"Right..." I trailed off and deciding not to poke that particularly single minded bear, I clapped my hands "I believe we have tarried enough! Into the gobbo pits we march!"

We descended into the disgusting dung pile that was the goblinoids' campsite, naturally being accosted by no guards since if we were here we must have been let through the checkpoint.

Right?

We suuuurely weren't invaders, that would be impossible!

Fucking degenerates simply shoved us about and called out greetings as if we were old friends returning from a long quest in the name of our common goal.

'We should burn them alive!' The sole fount of wisdom present chirped.

'Let the mortals have their fun.' I grumbled to him 'It will not last them.'

I waved for the party to disperse where they liked and explore the temporarily peaceful camp.

Immediately, I saw Wyll and Karlach move towards some kind of animal pen where a tiny mix between owl and bear was being shoved about by a pair of goblins, while the rest of them zeroed in on what looked like some kind of merchant selling suspiciously non goblin sized equipment.

At least they could loot the fucker for all he was worth later.

While my servants explored the place, I strolled into the center of the locale, drawn forth by a distinctly off key ditty currently being sung by a foppishly dressed man I knew from the Emerald Grove.

At least he had a tasteful beard on his face to cover his trembling.

My mind refused to even compute the words he was 'singing' in a terrified stutter of a voice under the mocking cheers of the goblins as I approached.

His eyes flashed with recognition as he saw me approach, and for a brief moment his voice rose to something that may have even been tolerable if it didn't immediately collapse to something even more pathetic than moments earlier.

"Look at what you did!" A female goblin pointed at me accusingly "You broke me pigeon!"

"Your pigeon was non-functional before you caught it." I drawled back, voice seemingly flat but carrying enough threat with it to make the disgusting little thing wilt down "I believe I will have to examine him for his loyalties to the Absolute."

"Unless of course." I turned my aura to straight up menacing "You wish to keep me from doing so?"

The creature began trembling in fear and a few of its fellows quickly scampered away "I wouldn't dare!" She raised her hands, cowering "Take it, take it please! For the Absolute!"

"Mhm." I hummed and waved for the 'singer' to follow after me.

"What are you doing here exactly?" I asked as we reached a somewhat hidden alcove below a ruined tower "You did see how the goblins tried to murder everyone at the grove, right?"

"Ahaha, I merely wanted to study the new goblin subculture my good fellow!" The fop chuckled far too cheerfully "Why I was making so much progress before you distracted me."

"Uh huh." I deadpanned "Really looked like you were diving into the deepest depths of scientific research there."

"Well" He shuffled "There may have been some... complications, but!" He raised his index finger "I've got just enough material for my next grand tale of adventure!"

"Fancy yourself a writer, eh?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"Fancy?" He balked at me and then huffed "I am Volo, the author of Volo's Guide to Monsters! I am no mere amateur I assure you."

"Clearly you are not successful enough to have others gather your tales for you." I pointed out dryly.

"I will have you know I am a true artist!" He huffed "Not one of those fools who demand we rely on silly things like sources! Hmph!"

By this point I was pinching the bridge of my nose and thanking the Aedra and Daedra both for being incapable of suffering a migraine "Right, sure, whatever."

"You seem a touch distraught here my good fellow." The man's eyes widened slightly "Perhaps I should sing you a fine tune to help you recover?"

"No!" I snapped my hand up to stop him, and very nearly slapped his neck off "That is very kind of you to offer, sir Volo but I am... quite content, thank you."

"Ahaha." He chuckled, and took a quick step back "Maybe next time then."

I didn't dignify that with a response.

Instead I focused on the present "You need to get out of here."

"Get out?" He blinked "But I've only just started my research! This goblin camp is such a fascinating trove of ideas and I've yet to enter their deepest halls."

"There won't be a goblin camp for much longer." I lowered my voice "So take what you've managed to learn so far and get your ass out of this place before I kick it out."

"But why destroy it?" The man, whom I was starting to suspect had long since traded his family tree for a circle, asked "You seemed quite jolly with those goblins down there."

"For someone who claims to be a writer you want to tell me you never read of a daring infiltration?" I deadpanned "How disappointing."

"Ah!" He exclaimed "But of course, you must tell me everything about it when we meet again!"

'I pray we do not.' Scorch lamented.

My gaze trailed behind the man just in time to see a group of my followers standing in front of a larger group of goblins, and just in time to see Durge kneel before an unacceptably imperious goblinoid fuck.

Scorch was equally unimpressed 'I am going to peck his fucking eyes out-'

And then the albino lizard lunged forward, and promptly bit half the goblin's foot off, making all the goblin's flinch away, and Astarion laugh his ass off.

'You know what maybe he can see for a few days longer.' Scorch beneficently decided.

"You can ask my albino friend." I told Volo who had followed my gaze a moment prior "I'm sure he would be... delighted to regale you of our adventures." My voice turned dark "To your heart's content."

"Ahahaha." Volo chuckled awkwardly "I wouldn't want to impose on your dear... friend." He gulped "But if you say he would be delighted I will of course take the chance!"

"Oh he will love it." I chuckled "I assure you."

The fop was sweating by this point.

"This is the part where you fuck off and let us do our jobs." I said when he didn't move for a good ten seconds.

The man rapidly nodded, pulled out a scroll, and turned invisible.

I just kept staring at him.

For a good three minutes.

Only then did he finally sigh and decide to trudge away in defeat.

"Well, at least he has dedication." I shook my head and stepped out from under the tower, noticing the feast the goblins had been preparing so far had started picking up, the already rowdy bunch of subhuman filth somehow turning even louder by the minute.

I scanned the area, and absently noted that some of their great cooking fires were not preparing animal meat but instead bits belonging to creatures of the more civilized variety.

That decided it.

I strolled over, pass the writhing mass of goblin, and pulling at my cloak's power made myself almost impossible to notice. With speed they wouldn't see even if they could find me, I fished out a flask of berserk potion and grinned.

The noise of liquid hitting liquid was almost musical to my ears as I emptied its contents into the large bronzed skull they were using to warm their grog.

"Bottoms up, you disgusting freaks." I chuckled darkly and moved to rejoin my group who had gathered in front of the temple gates, ready to begin the true purge of this place.