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1.32 In Which the Dark Lord Lights Up the Town

“Yes, yes, I’ll pay your price,” the nobleman said impatiently, dry-washing his hands.  As dry as possible with how sweaty they looked, at least.  “Name it, money is no object.  Just heal me!”

We were still behind the curtain, separated from the Sizzle’s common room.  Everyone out there w...

1.31 In Which the Dark Lord Passes the Time

Despite myself, over time I started to like the Fflyr.

Sure, they used a whole overcomplicated set of hand gestures to signal social status (apparently that most common folding-down thing was just the tip of the iceberg) when a simple universal bow would have been sufficient, and refused to eat anything that wasn’t sp...

1.30 In Which the Dark Lord Takes the Kids to the Park

“Yeah, I can do it,” said Harold, turning the crossbow over in his hands and holding it up to peer critically at its cocking mechanism from up close.  “Just need the materials…and proper tools.  It’d help if I could take it apart…”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” I said.  “Not to question...

1.29 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Played

“There’s my girl!”

Junko came barreling out of the fortress pretty much as soon as we were close enough to see it; I’d started to hear her distant barking around the same time I’d spied the watchtower through a gap in the khora foliage above.  Now I knelt in the broken old road, setting down my crossbow a...

1.28 In Which the Dark Lord Chews the Scenery

Being pursued by people who wish you harm is obviously stressful.  However, if you’re being pursued at a sedate walk through an idyllic countryside (weird alien plant life notwithstanding) on a sunny morning, with a miniature oracle who obviates the need to check over your shoulder, it becomes an amazingly laid-back ex...

Bonus 2 In Which the Hero's Harem go to Bible Study

They rose from their kneeling postures simultaneously.  Not by planning, but simple familiarity; Pashilyn and Flaethwyn had prayed together so many times over the years they instinctively recited the Benedictions at the same pace and rhythm, even when doing so silently.

Gwyllthean’s temple sanctuary was somewhat ...

1.27 In Which the Dark Lord Almost Makes a Spectacle of Himself

It’s difficult to project your voice through a layer of muffling fabric; I can only imagine how difficult it would be for someone who hadn’t had formal vocal training from middle school through university, and also spent much of his free time during that period screaming his soul out at rock venues and band practice. &nbs...

1.26 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Hot and Steamy with Aster

Progress was paying off.  Bit by bit, North Watch became more livable, thanks to our efforts.  And, as I’d predicted, I noticed an uptick in morale.  Just having something to do with their days was good for the bandits’ health, both physical and mental.  So was living in quarters that weren’...

1.25 In Which the Dark Lord Unilaterally Declares Naptime

My decision to drip-feed myself answers as I had questions and not just sit down with Biribo and have the whole world explained in an afternoon had, to be honest, been made simply because I was overwhelmed at the time.  The discovery that I’d already glossed over some of his early pointers had validated that choice, ho...

1.24 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Cooking

There was always something to do at North Watch.  Or at least, something that needed doing.

The ongoing cleaning project would be the work of months at least; it didn’t seem like a huge fortress, as fortresses went, but it was still an echoingly empty space for such a small group of people and we weren’t even d...

1.23 In Which the Dark Lord Wheels and Deals

“And that squares us,” Maugro said, sweeping the stacks of coins off the table into a bag, which he swiftly made disappear into his coat in an impressive feat of legerdemain.  The goblin grinned up at me.  “A pleasure doin’ business, Lord Seiji!”

“The first of many, let’s hope,” I replied, lift...

1.22 In Which the Dark Lord Pets the Dog

Over the next hour I learned that Miss Minifrit was a capable administrator, as well as someone who had the respect of her working girls and did her best to look after their interests.  One by one, she singled out and brought before me women who needed medical attention of one kind or another, and also one of her bouncer...

1.21 In Which the Dark Lord Ministers to the Poor

On Ephemera, the red light district was actually a blue light district.  The traditional marker of a brothel, it seemed, was a lamp over the door which burned cool blue behind frosted glass; there were also paper lanterns strung on ropes across the entrances to Yrshith Street—or Cat Alley, as it was fondly called—wit...

1.20 In Which the Dark Lord Brings Refreshments

Our shopping trip occupied the rest of the morning because I insisted on acquiring each of the several items we needed from a different shop.  I was aware that this was probably overcompensating, but after my first visit to Gwyllthean I was making a deliberate effort to think ahead and act with care, and by doing it this...

1.19 In Which the Dark Lord is Brought to Justice

There he was, in the flesh, mostly as I remembered him.  It wasn’t like Shinonome Yoshi’s visage was burned into my brain, but there were exactly two Japanese people on this planet and only one was that chunky, and also not me.

Actually, he looked a tad less chunky than I recalled, though not so in shape that t...

Bonus 1 In Which the Paladin Gets the Party Started

He watched the peculiar young nobleman stride to the door of the Guildhouse, collecting a more shabbily-dressed man loitering nearby whom Rhydion took for a servant.  Shifting his concentration, he let the almost blindingly intense blaze of magic illuminating Lord Seiji give way in his sight to the more restrained (in th...

1.18 In Which the Dark Lord Meets His Match

“Oh, it’s all anyone’s talking about down at the Trader’s Guild,” Cadimer Auldmaer said as he set a plate of fruit pastries between us on the desk in his office, still warm enough to be slightly steaming.  “They were able to salvage a bit of their stock—but it got thoroughly soaked in the course of ‘salva...

1.17 In Which the Dark Lord Plays with Fire

It took us most of a day’s hike to get into position along the main trade road where it led to Gwyllthean from the surviving northern landbridge.  The khora forest encroached onto civilized territory in the northern reaches of the island, not quite pressing against the central highway but with an arm coming close and i...

1.16 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Down to Business

“Can I ask a favor?” Aster said quietly as we strode toward the road and the embattled wagon, where Mr. Auldmaer was now clambering back and forth atop his wagon, looking for a position from which he might be able to jump over the fire slimes encircling it.  I’d been careful not to leave him one, even had he been a...

1.15 In Which the Dark Lord is Responsible for a Workplace Safety Violation

“This is a Spirit?”

“This one isn’t exactly…typical,” Aster admitted.

“These are the things that hand out spells and artifacts.”

“Well…among other things.  And, not all of them.  Not this one, obviously.”

Four days after my unexpected but profitable visit from t...

1.14 In Which the Dark Lord Plans Ahead

There were goblins in my kitchen.

At least the kitchen was clean, as per my parting orders to the gang.  Actually it looked rather nice, with the garbage and general filth (and skittering crawns) gone and everything organized, but I spared all of that no more than a glance and a passing breath of relief th...

1.13 In Which the Dark Lord Experiences the Horror of Self-Awareness

Ephemera was giving me plenty of practice at maintaining a stage presence, despite the lack of actual stages.  I seized that familiar poise and wrapped it around myself like a fluffy blanket, continuing to look aloof and amused at the kid and giving no outward sign of the loop for which he’d just knocked me.

“A...

1.12 In Which the Dark Lord Takes a Level in Bard

“Lord Seiji,” Aster said in clear relief as I approached.

The three men around her all turned to study me, the young clerk blinking owlishly, the old one controlling his expression better, and the one behind a visor…behind a visor.

“Aster, is there some sort of problem here?”

“Ah,” the disappro...

Back in business

I have a couple of important announcements!

First of all, a clarification of how Patreon's systems work, because moving to the reward tier structure has caused some confusion.  If you're pledging above a tier amount and not getting the reward for that tier because you want to continue donating to me in that higher ...

1.11 In Which the Dark Lord Dresses for the Part

The next morning I found myself having a nice breakfast at a charming little inn which catered to Gwyllthean’s wealthy class of travelers and reflecting on how damn surreal everything was.  Life on Ephemera so far seemed to consist of cycles of tedium and terrifying violence.  I’d spend all day on the road, pond...

1.10 In Which the Dark Lord Immediately Unmakes a Friend

My new asshole friend Lord Arider of Clan Olumnach, whom I had no immediate plans to betray but had a feeling that was where this relationship would end up, took a step to the side and paced around the end of the ramp.  Beckoning me with a courteous gesture, he proceeded into the space alongside it, which I now saw forme...

1.9 In Which the Dark Lord Makes a Friend

We arrived at Gwyllthean in the afternoon, having walked for most of the day.  That gave me an idea how far it was from my evil lair, even accounting for the roundabout route we’d taken, and it was a favorable distance: I had access to civilization but a comfortable amount of space from it.  I could get to town at...

1.8 In Which the Dark Lord Goes to Town

The sky of Ephemera was weird.  During the day it was a deep purple, with stars faintly visible even when the sun was high, fading to a rosy pink all around the horizon.  I had my first clear sight of this when we emerged from the khora forest, along with some more pleasant details.

“Plants!” I exclaimed, ...

1.7 In Which the Dark Lord Takes a Walk in the Woods

So that was how my first day as the Dark Lord ended.  I’d left Akihabara in the afternoon and apparently arrived on Ephemera in what was the early evening local time, but given how much of that had been spent running around in various states of stress I was more than ready to collapse by the time I felt safe to do so. ...

1.6 In Which the Dark Lord Meets the Gang

They continued to stare.  I stared back, as imperiously as I could manage, focusing on my breathing, projecting outward confidence.  I couldn’t help noting that all of these people had swords, except the captive.

“Well?”I prompted, raising an eyebrow.  I could’ve just opened by Immolating...