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heatherbeck from patreon

heatherbeck

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heatherbeck posts

"I didn't do it!"

heatherbeck post "I didn't do it!" from patreon

I'm not one to be star-struck. Back in a previous life, I actually interviewed celebrities pretty constantly, and the hard truth is, they're a bunch of working stiffs, just like the rest of us. Nice group. They're more eccentric than the average person, so that does make them somewhat interesting, even if only in a mildly ico...

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“All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”

heatherbeck post “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” from patreon

I know, I know, I know.

It was one of those apps I downloaded for a moment. $7.99 a week?! Ew. I said yes, and canceled. But, I still have my 3-day trial!

Which I won’t use. Kicked it off the Subscribe pane. It was a fine diversion while I was lounging in the heat (definitely not pooping), and like most things ...

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Playing Footsie

heatherbeck post Playing Footsie from patreon

They say the part of the brain that’s attracted to boobs is located right next door to the part that’s attracted to feet. Something to do with very-early childhood. Small babies spend a lot of time on the floor, next to their moms’ feet, or a lot of time nursing. Safety, security, sustenance, all during a time of life w...

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Transatlantic

heatherbeck post Transatlantic from patreon

It was… Shit, which month was it. It was still cold. There was a fire going, one that had been roaring since the morning.

It wasn’t the first time Astrid and I had met. (That little backstory takes place back here.) But at this point, we ...

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Oh, Dear Sweet Shitttttt. It Happened Again.

heatherbeck post Oh, Dear Sweet Shitttttt. It Happened Again. from patreon

So, I understand. With great power comes great responsibility. I want to insert a disclaimer here, because this seems to be the right time to do so: I do not go out into that good world with the intention of causing any trouble. More often than not, I am only running my errands. These days, that involves hitting up the same h...

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I’ve been asleep…

heatherbeck post I’ve been asleep… from patreon

…But I’m awake now.

“If you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.”

As the Spaniards say, “Give them your hand, and they’ll take your arm.”

Or, if you offer food to a cow (it was a mule, but pretend it was a cow so the story can continue), “If you give them a carrot, they’ll take your th...

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The Nocturnal Antics of My Ephemeral Roommate.

heatherbeck post The Nocturnal Antics of My Ephemeral Roommate. from patreon

I don’t believe in ghosts. I never have, even when I was a little girl. But, as far as my imperfect memory can recall, I always wanted to.

I used to work in an old building that, at one point in its history, had been used as a county jail. Legend goes, there was a fella named Hosea, who was the last person to be hange...

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Why So Serious?

heatherbeck post Why So Serious? from patreon

I know, I know, mixing Batman universes. But for what it’s worth, Astrid recently reminded me that I look a bit like Jared Leto’s mom. I mean, hey — not a huge fan of his work, but I’ll take it. Massive props to a woman who (one can only assume) cultivated and encouraged such an eccentric individual.

I...

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Srry.

heatherbeck post Srry. from patreon

(You ever wonder what people thought of you before? A while ago? Gritty. Welp! This above pic is just a stupid thing, from waaaaay back in the day, before anybody cared what a Heather was!)

Hey. (Still italics!?! Wait, no? Ah, cool, nevermind.)

3x Octothorpe (That's what they used to be calle...

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Big Things in Far-Away Places: Part 4(a)

heatherbeck post Big Things in Far-Away Places: Part 4(a) from patreon

***The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. This post does not constitute, insinuate or recommend an offer to sell, a solicitation of an offer to buy, o...

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All Things Heather - Spring, 2022

heatherbeck post All Things Heather - Spring, 2022 from patreon

[Editor’s note: It’s 3:30 in the A.M., and I'm about to hit the publish button. I would LOVE to give this a proofread, and I will… tomorrow. So I hope you enjoy it, warts and all, before I have a chance to give it the fine-toothed rigamarole. Kisses and Hearts, Peace and Love.]

[Other Note: This is th...

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Fiction - "A Matter of Life and Breast" - Prologue

heatherbeck post Fiction - "A Matter of Life and Breast" - Prologue from patreon

[Ed. Note: I hope you really enjoy this new little tale I'm embarking on. I've been working on it for a while, and have been collaborating with a positively amazing artist who is illustrating it. I normally post the tales of pure fiction in the appropriate $12 tier. But for this first chapter, however, I'm putting it up f...

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Big Things in Far-Away Places — Part 3

heatherbeck post Big Things in Far-Away Places — Part 3 from patreon

***The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. This post does not constitute, insinuate or recommend an offer to sell, a solicitation of an offer to buy, o...

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Ec-Clue'd-in-Black

heatherbeck post Ec-Clue'd-in-Black from patreon

Well, well. A murder most fowl. Buck-buck-buk-aw. 

What a terrible trist this was. Wherein some dames, with the best of intentions, found themselves in the midst of a post-war board game. 

And so the story goes,...

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Big Things in Far-Away Places — Part 2

heatherbeck post Big Things in Far-Away Places — Part 2 from patreon

***The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. This post does not constitute, insinuate or recommend an offer to sell, a solicitation of an offer to buy, o...

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Track 12 - Samantha

heatherbeck post Track 12 - Samantha from patreon

In short, my first (semi) kinky(ish) experience that actually meant a great deal to me. And, as it turns out, it was with a (gasp!) lady...?! I know, sinful, right? I'm not gonna dwell the shit out of it here, or anything. One of those tracks that didn't get goofy enough for me to be goofy in the body text. Besides. Let the w...

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Big Things in Far-Away Places — Part 1

heatherbeck post Big Things in Far-Away Places — Part 1 from patreon

***The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. This post does not constitute, insinuate or recommend an offer to sell, a solicitation of an offer to buy, o...

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Track 11: The Lightning Round!

heatherbeck post Track 11: The Lightning Round! from patreon

[Update — Technical difficulties on the first attempt to upload? I think? Anyway, the audio wasn't working for some of you, so here's try No. 2. Apologies for the blargh! :-) As my grandmother used to say, "Oy, Gevultah!"]

There was a volunteer campaign that the New Zealand government did a little while back,...

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Monopoly with a Seven-Year-Old

heatherbeck post Monopoly with a Seven-Year-Old from patreon

When I was younger, some friends of the family would hold this annual shit show they affectionately referred to as “The Buddy Bash.” This motley group of friends-since-highschool — otherwise respectable, tax-paying, God-fearing Americans — would generally start on a Thursday, and wrap up around Sunday. The goal? To dr...

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Fucking Cat.

heatherbeck post Fucking Cat.  from patreon

[Editor’s Note: Hola, fans of fiction. So, during Covid, one of my things was to commission artists from around the world to illustrate these “one-offs.” I have a small idea of a story; share it with them; let them have their way with the idea; and then, they illustrate. I finish the story, and post it here. View Post

We Could’ve Had Pi.

heatherbeck post We Could’ve Had Pi. from patreon

I like to imagine, sometimes, the smaller moments in history. These instances we all know about, but we just don’t know the details. Like the Defenestration of Prague: did you know there were three of those? The second one didn’t count, apparently.

But who cares about the act itself. I want to know what the con...

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Silly moons.

heatherbeck post Silly moons. from patreon

And big trees.

And empty plates.

And the patience of geckos, who are waiting for a snack.

Yeah, I acknowledge the entendre.

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Found a thing.

heatherbeck post Found a thing.  from patreon


Written on the back of a street-side stumble-upon. I wonder about Fausto. Seems like a nice fella.



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Damned what you know.

heatherbeck post Damned what you know. from patreon

Remember that episode of “The Twilight Zone?” where the dad from “My Three Sons” flipped a quarter into the newsie’s coin box, and it stood on its side, and for that whole day, he could read peoples’ minds?

I laid down a beer can, randomly, and it stood on its corner. It’s been that way for about an hour. ...

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Track 10: The Pros. Plus, a Little Sentimental Ditty.

heatherbeck post Track 10: The Pros. Plus, a Little Sentimental Ditty. from patreon

I think, in a bunch of these previous audio files, I've sort of addressed the cons of having big boobs. Which is a bummer, because there are actually some good parts, too. It's a mixed bag, and I'll be the first to admit that some of it's gonna sound a bit strange. But, hey. I'm a bit of an oddball, #NatAndOlga, or no. <...

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Post Mortem: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Take a Forbidden Stroll Down Memory Lane

heatherbeck post Post Mortem: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Take a Forbidden Stroll Down Memory Lane from patreon

When you’re a big boob lady on internet, you tend to gravitate toward other big boob ladies on internet. There aren’t a huge number of us, but we’re a decent, motley crew. I’m not gonna name names or anything, but suffice it to say, some of us don’t know each other at all; some of us are just passing acquaintances; ...

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Hole.

heatherbeck post Hole. from patreon

One of my favorite artists is Ralph Steadman. By all accounts, he is a perfectly delightful man. Kind, friendly, outgoing, rightfully eccentric, and just generally good.

If you don’t know him, Google will remind you. He’s that guy. His work is dark, and gritty, and fierce, and just very scary, in a lot of ways.

<...

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Podiatric Health

heatherbeck post Podiatric Health from patreon

Fear not, ladies and germs. While it is not entirely uncommon for days to pass without me ever actually laying eyes on them, I have been informed that my feet are, in fact, in excellent condition, and that there’s no cause for concern.

Well, I mean, at least my left one is, if this picture is to be believed. Haven’t...

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ChirpChirpChirp.

heatherbeck post ChirpChirpChirp. from patreon

That’s the thing about quiet moments. They can be so damned quiet.

I’m a night owl. There is something refreshing about the idea that between roughly 1 a.m. and 5 a.m., the world is asleep and doesn’t really demand anything from you. I can putz around (putzing being one of my most cherished pastimes), and...

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Track No. 9 — "So, if you could choose..."

heatherbeck post Track No. 9 — "So, if you could choose..." from patreon

This one is kinda an answer that leads to another question. I do get asked a lot, "If you could pick an ideal breast size, how big do you think you would want to be?" The answer is... complicated. I think I did a pretty good job of laying it all out here, and since I'm just about to post a pretty decent chunk of breast expans...

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