Time Slaughter is what happens when an outsider developer attempts to be as unpleasant and nasty as possible. The minds who brought us NESticle also made this parody of Mortal Kombat, complete with over the top violence, garish characters, and shitty, shitty voice acting. But mostly we talk about how we don't want to be curse...
2017-07-02 00:13:54 +0000 UTC View Post
It's a technically interesting footnote in survival horror, following Alone in the Dark's act with its own strange rendering technique. And it seems like it's made for us, because everything is an orb. You would guess that Kole will be into it, while Gary will be turned off by the visuals. And you'd be right. But tune i...
2017-07-02 00:13:27 +0000 UTC View Post
Our patrons have backed us into a corner. While E.Y.E. is undoubtedly a weird, inscrutable mess, it's also pretty inspired, systemically interesting, and worth a deeper dive than we could ever give it in a half hour of talk. So what you get here is a hodgepodge of an episode where we praise the opening of Divine Cybermancy, t...
2017-07-02 00:12:40 +0000 UTC View Post
Sometimes you're just not ready for this level of concentrated lameness. Claymation is inherently cool, so you have to try pretty hard to make it suck this bad. Shitty non-puns, lazy attempts at satire, and barely audacious attempts at outrage abound... and that's just us! The game is pretty bad, too.
2017-07-02 00:12:22 +0000 UTC View Post
What is there to say about yet another wrestling game? Almost nothing! That's why we cruise through the game itself and respond to lots of miscellaneous prompts from Twitter. It's a real change of pace, but really, what all is there to say about Sting?
2017-07-02 00:12:06 +0000 UTC View Post
Animorphs seems right on the edge of coming back as some kind of YA novel reboot, so we figured we'd get in on the ground floor by talking about this Pokémon clone. Let's dig real deep into the franchise that launched a thousand transformation fetishes. And if that's your thing, boy, 2017-07-02 00:11:48 +0000 UTC View Post
Heathcliff is a pale substitute for Garfield, so it's hard to know where to go with discussion about a terrible kart racer from the Wii shovelware era. That's why we veer pretty quickly into one of the darkest YouTube holes we've ever found.
2017-07-02 00:11:31 +0000 UTC View Post
This one is on loan from the Night Trap collection, an FMV adventure game that desperately wants the word "mind pirate" to become a thing. Let's watch as community theater rejects with bad Russian accents slowly grow more and more out of control, as hurtful stereotypes about people with intellectual disabilities slip in aroun...
2017-07-02 00:11:15 +0000 UTC View Post
It's a boilerplate, mostly competent third person shooter that's obviously of its time, with lots of really neat arcade-style reward loops thrown in for good measure. But the real star here is the surreal, over the top trappings that could only come from the mind of the hubristic branding tycoon that is 50 Cent. Yes, this gam...
2017-07-02 00:10:50 +0000 UTC View Post
Discussion of an exuberant advergame from Japan gives way to all of the horrifying biological niches Pepsi and other colas might fill, creating a new, upsetting, and most of all REFRESHING way of life. All hail the new blood.
2017-07-02 00:10:30 +0000 UTC View Post
It's always a good time when we discuss religious games. Except for the feedback we get, that is. Captain Bible casts the forces of good as a traditional superpower, and the forces of The Liar as ultra-cool spider robots who make some very salient points. Join us as we play this flashcard game about arguing in bad faith.
2017-07-02 00:10:06 +0000 UTC View Post
Star Fox Adventures represents a confluence of several factors, any of which on their own would have made it fertile ground for the show. Rare? Check. Bastard entry in a beloved series? Check. Over-sexed anthro characters? Check. But we had no idea how bad it would get. Come with us on a journey to Dinosaur Planet, and into t...
2017-07-02 00:09:47 +0000 UTC View Post
This is probably someone's favorite game. It's wacky and weird, and comes from a 32-bit era that people still look back upon fondly. But however much it reminds you of God Hand, it will never be God Hand.
2017-07-02 00:09:30 +0000 UTC View Post
There's a class of game that's regarded well simply because there's little else like it. Rising Zan is one of those. But repeat after us: novelty is not enough!
2017-07-02 00:09:11 +0000 UTC View Post
Join Gary and Kole as they frolic through Bearland, moralizing about how to be closer to God and not swear so damn much. Also: The disturbing origins of corn syrup, and the grizzly applications of combines in the bloody fields of Illinois.
2017-07-02 00:08:50 +0000 UTC View Post
In this episode we discuss a game where you play as a magical transforming ball and his Hamburger Helper companion. Your mission is to collect musical notes using the least intuitive control scheme possible, defeat the Dorito Wizard who threw you into acid, and uncover the secret to why this era of platformers fell short of i...
2017-07-02 00:08:27 +0000 UTC View Post
Buckle up, kids, because we're about to go on the oiliest, most musclebound, most smoke-machine laden ride of your lives. That's right: the American Gladiators are here to Eliminate your expectations of what an episode of Exquisite Suffering should be. One part coverage of the NES American Gladiators game, one part "Let's Wat...
2017-07-02 00:08:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Somehow we ended up playing a pretty good game! The most interesting thing about Whomp'em is its botched localization... because western audiences weren't ready for Dragon Ball yet. So, stick around for that, and two midwesterners trying to talk about their history with Native American culture without offending anyone.
2017-07-02 00:07:48 +0000 UTC View Post
Another entry in our "Classics of Bad Games" chronicles, we look at the infamous Night Trap. But it turns out that it actually has a lot of good ideas hindered by a laughable execution. Listen in for Night Trap's goofiness, and stick around for Nick at Night remembrances.
2017-07-02 00:07:28 +0000 UTC View Post
Proving that Ursula K. LeGuin's Lathe of Heaven is nonfiction, Gary's sheer desire for skeleton warriors to be real has birthed *Skeleton Warriors* into existence. This episode is mostly about the television series of the same name, and Kole is having NONE of it.
2017-07-02 00:07:12 +0000 UTC View Post
The second premium episode of Abject Suffering features a game whose very existence is more interesting than the game itself. Discussion of a misguided FPS quickly turns into grim contemplation about what fame and renown will do to someone who isn't ready for it.
2017-07-02 00:06:53 +0000 UTC View Post
Our first episode of the premium show "Exquisite Suffering" covers various versions of the video game adaptation of "The Last Action Hero", a crazily metatextual action movie from the early nineties. Also covered: How weird masturbation has become.
2017-07-02 00:06:31 +0000 UTC View Post
It was supposed to be a massive achievement in filmmaking. The premier video game studio had set its sights on making a CGI movie that would trick you into thinking you were looking at actual people. But that wasn't the right thing to chase.
Despite its star studded cast, we found very little to love in this movie that'...
2017-07-02 00:01:32 +0000 UTC View Post
This is the big one... 1993's Super Mario Bros. was the first video game movie, and it certainly set a... tone... for the quality of things to come. It's almost universally reviled, and it's been talked to death by people a lot smarter than us.
However, revisiting this movie directed by monsters has re...
2017-07-02 00:00:54 +0000 UTC View Post
Recorded to coincide with our coverage of the original Tomb Raider game on Watch Out for Fireballs!, this episode covers perhaps the best adaptation we've seen yet. That's right, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, the Angelina Jolie movie from 2001, is worth watching.
Of course it's brainless. The action is dumb, and the way it's...
2017-07-02 00:00:25 +0000 UTC View Post
It had to happen eventually: we'd have to cover an Uwe Boll movie. It's probable that you've read a lot of breakdowns of Boll's ineptitude, but nothing beats getting a first hand taste. This is one of the worst movies we've ever seen.
Alone in the Dark is about as successful as an adaptation as it is as a film... not at...
2017-07-02 00:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Did you know that Maniac Mansion was adapted into a television show in 1990? Did you know Eugene Levy was in charge of it? Did you know that Gary and Kole are actually pretty into the show, by and large? All these questions and more may or may not be answered.
The commonalities between the Maniac Mansion TV show and its...
2017-07-01 23:59:11 +0000 UTC View Post
The Pokémon anime from the '90s is rightfully beloved. It was a colorful and entertaining look at this magical world chock full of monsters just waiting to be your friend.
We're not talking about that show.
Instead, we're talking about the soulless and bafflingly-paced miniseries that was originally released alon...
2017-07-01 23:58:30 +0000 UTC View Post
The secret was friendship. The secret was always friendship, but we just forgot... over and over again... in this premium show dedicated to bad adaptations of video games. Or bad movie sequels to video games, like the 2005 movie "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children".
A good sequel has similar requirements to a good adapt...
2017-07-01 23:58:01 +0000 UTC View Post
Get your asses to Mars in this second episode of our premium show dedicated to bad adaptations of videos games. It's all about the 2005 movie "Doom".
We really didn't intend to do another Resident Evil movie, but here we are. Take Doom, remove all of the action, and take away Hell. Add in ridiculous non-science about ex...
2017-07-01 23:57:31 +0000 UTC View Post
